I feel utterly hopeless and yetself-loathing
I feel at a loss for words. My throat is dry, my chest is tight, and inside my mind there is a swarm of eating away at my mind.
they tell me to avoid the mirror, and bury myself in scents until I can't tell that the husk of a body holding clothing no longer exists...telling me it's better not to look in a mirror, unless I want to see a shadow of myself looking back.
with big shadows, and a white paler, who would be excited to shake a ghosts hand?
I feel just hollow. then, I think tell someone just tell someone and relief will come. you're not alone. And still my dry throat-the ceiling of my mouth- holds back my tongue. no one would care, because your not pretty.
Another thought zooms by, just write a letter...and three days later, I find myself holding onto twelve pieces of parchment. hating myself even more for being so gullible. but, I still hold onto these feelings and settle.
I'm so tired, of holding on. tired of remembering broken promises, insults, and threats. I want to just scream and speak about it...but, I can't because the past always comes back to haunt me in the present and in my dreams.
So, I settle with a text...I'm sad, the rain makes me feel so depressed-hoping talk of weather would provide me some form of human contact-and yet for five minutes of pleasant chatter, I find myself worrying more so about the clock, then the warmth of another's proximity and words...
my throat closes up, my tongue clings to the ceiling of my mouth, and I excuse myself...I hate myself...I need a mirror.
But, heaven forbid it be that glass reflecting item....no, I need an echo, a resonance something or someone to return my sentiments. I just want to, break free...
I'm lost, I hate myself, and I hate the locusts, that dance about in my mind picking away at every sentence, every word someone gives me-telling me I'm not deserving, that it's all just some game...
and I think, if I'm just a toy. I'm happy, at least there is one person out there who wants to play with me.
I hate the hollow me, who would settle to betoy'dwith.
Sometimes we let our past control us. It may result to good but it may also headtowards the worse. Moving on is a hard thing to do but once you do it, you'll feel infinite, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. If you don't move on, you won't completely recover. You'll get worse day by day. You can not let other people toy with you. If a person is only your friend for being a pushover, then that person is not truly your friend. You may not know it, but there are lots like you. Try talking to the girl next door, the bullied guy or the guy who everyone expects won't graduate. If you feel like you're all alone, maybe you're just searching the wrong places. Love lots, Danielle Xx
I feel your pain. Please be good to yourself. Reach out as many times as you can, as you have hear, it is a beginning. You are worth being loved. Focus on all good things, and do not gravitate to the negative. Seek out good friendships, nd hobbies. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for the advice, Tortoise.
was not expecting any word from anyone. So, hearing something from both you and Lost, makes me feel a little better.
I'm sorry, I said a little, I am truly bogged down by my past. But, just hearing such kind words makes me feel a little better...I mean I've never really heard that I deserved to be loved before, and so it brings a smile to my face.
Maybe you are right, that I should try some new hobbies, and surround myself with a friend or so, to remind me that there is something in the present and future to look forward to, rather than just remain trapped by the sentiments of yesterday...
Regardless, thank you, Easytortoise for being so kind.
~Carmilla
Yeah, You're right, Danielle. Maybe, I am looking in all the wrong places. It just get a little overwhelming when things come at me all at once and suddenly go quiet. I guessit's like one of those things where you feel like you're in the eye of a storm.
It can be really peaceful and give a sense of finally making it out of hell...until the other end of the hurricane comes in for a second wave. Or it can be absolutly dreadful, just knowing that the calm is only temporary and beyond the still silence of nature there's is another flood coming.
It's funny how life's like that. But, I guess it's all about timing and setting, right?
I mean thank you for reminding me of this, it makes me a little happier knowing that someone feels as I do, even though we may be a world apart. It's just comforting, to know I'm not alone in enduring, or fighting this temporary gray cloud.
So, thank you for your encouragement, it truly means a lot to me.
~Carmilla