I miss here.

I miss being here, spending time in here. I miss answering on forums, I miss having deep and random conversations with a long-term listener, and this is obviously me asking if there are any interested and patient enough here to chat with me?

I wish I could be more active in here; especially on weekdays when exhaustion, melancholia, shame, and loneliness hit me so much because of so much work. Oh god, how I hate my job! But see, these are what keep me from expressing and articulating all my cruel thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I'm carrying every damn day. By the time I come home, I'm drained and paralyzed to deal with them; let alone talk about them. I can't even write them in my journal anymore, and you have no idea how much I love to write but every day I feel like I'm losing everything that makes me feel comfortable, confident, and secured. I haven't had social media accounts for a long time, I don't know what to read and watch anymore. Nothing seems to lift my spirits; I feel everything but I don't feel myself anymore like I'm only good as dead. How F that I get to deal with tons of shits of other people (clients) but not mine.

At work, I get this rush of fear keeping up with all the demands, deadlines, orders, and all the people at work. Did I mention that I'm the only new person there? And yeah so that's why it's hard to, it's so hard for me to share to them how I'm actually feeling. There's so much work to do and I'm very slow, and they're all experienced. Damn! I suddenly remember all the things that I worry about my job while typing all of these things, and now my heart and mind are racing in a depressing way. Anyway, as I was saying, they are all experienced, not to mention, God I feel so alone! Sorry, I'm distracted. See this what I'm saying about me having a hard time writing now; I get so depressed, distracted, and lost. What I'm trying to say is, they are all experienced and enhanced at what they do to understand me. I don't know I guess I'm just terrified of venting to them because they might start discussing it and the superiors might find out.

This is getting too far but the point is I want to release all these cruel thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I'm carrying every day but my mouth, my head, they're betraying me. I mean, god, please help me. Anybody there? A friend? Please.

P.S. This entry is getting depressing to me now. There are so many things to tell but this is the best I can give for now. Please, let's talk about the rest over PMs. Please notice this. Notice me.