I want to live, dangit

Things are a little bit of a pain right now. Not for any particular reason - I have a good job, good friends, good family... I don't have a particularly bad backstory and I know how absolutely lucky I am to be in the current place I am at. It's that very knowledge that drags me down worse, though. Here I am, stuck in a hole again, when everything should be sunshine and rainbows. Or at least, sunshine and one of those crayon-scribbled red flowers I drew when I was 5. You know, the one where there's a huge white gap between the grass and the "sky" because the blue is way up there and not touching the ground. And the sun obviously has sunglasses, because he's cool.

Still though. I've been out of my bed only a handful of times in the past two days. They say that in order to have more energy I need to exercise, eat well and get between 7-9 hours of sleep a night. Of course, 24 hours of sleep doesn't override all of those things because "life doesn't work that way". No, instead of boundless energy I get more tired. And with the tired comes the lack of motivation to clean my living space, to eat healthy...and lord help me if I even think of exercise. I probably have the metabolism of my front porch. It's made of cement.

Part of me doesn't care, and part of me desparately does. My depression and anxiety both are very conflicting and are always fighting to have the stronger voice. And amidst all of that there's me, trying so hard to be heard over everything. I just want to live, I want to be healthy. But for the time being, all I can do is put what energy I do have into looking somewhat presentable and going to work. I need to break this spiral somehow. I'm totally lost on how to do it.

Now, I've heard people say 'just do it' or 'start small'...I've done both of those. I tried forcing myself. Forcing oneself only works if a person actually wants to do it. On a bad depression day, the best I can do is not eat too much fast food. On a bad anxiety day, I've worked myself into such a panic I can't sleep and the next day I am so exhausted all I can do is inhale what's in front of me and try to stay awake at my desk. They say I'm not trying hard enough, but I've been stuck in this mindset for so long I don't know how to break free. I don't know how to not fall back into old habits. How do I not give up? How do I try harder when I don't want to try? I do, I desparately do, but I also don't. How do I get rid of the don't? I don't know. I don't understand, and I can't figure out how to articulate how...inevitable it all feels. It's frustrating.