What’s happening and me trying to process why I did and how Ifeel about things.

I am unsure if people are allowed to give others advice, if you can go for it and please do. If not then can someone just help try to explain what kind of emotion I might be feeling? Here’s the story:

Hello, this is my first time reaching out on this app. You can call me Ellie. I am 18 years of age and use He/Him pronouns. I am posting with an issue that has been long-term but especially present tonight that started due to a small mistake and resulted in lost relationships. I recently reconnected with one of the broken relationships.

Around 5 months ago (June 2022) I was apart of a discord server with several online friends whom I grew very close to. I was in that server from December 2021 to when I left in June 2022. The reason I left is honestly a silly, stupid mistake that could have been easily resolved had I simply explained what happened rather than getting scared and leaving. Promise not to judge? You are probably about to hear one of the biggest most irresponsible and irrational things someone has done to ruin relationships.

I was added to a discord sever by a trusted friend one day. Upon joining we all were simply chatting as usual with nothing out of the ordinary. Someone else said to add our other friends to the server so they could chat with us. Here’s the fuck up: I, without checking what the content of other areas of the discord server I was about to add people to was, started to invite my friends. (MAJOR rookie mistake).

Unsurprisingly I just added my friends to a discord server with very NSFW content. I got scared and immediately logged out of and deleted discord for fear of them being angry with me. Why did I not explain what happened and apologize? I’m not sure. I know I should of and I know I could still have that wonderful friendship if I just did, but for some reason not even I myself know, I didn’t.

Months passed with me ghosting them. (June 2022-October 2022) (today). I joined another discord server and happened to meet one of the old friends in it. Particularly the person I was closest to. They immediately started to send me upset messages about how I just left and how badly I hurt them. I feel horrible and guilty and stupid and can’t believe I caused them all that much pain because I guess I didn’t want to own up my own actions.

I so badly want this relationship back with them; they were one of my best friends. But I know how low the possibility of that is after what I put them through. I suffer with medical conditions and they thought something horrible happened to me. Everyone did.

How do I appropriately respond to them? Is there any way for me to salvage this relationship? I know I need to apologize. I just don’t know how. Am I even ready?

What emotion is this I’m feeling? It’s like a sense of longing for going back in time but also wishing I never even met them or it never happened.