tw; really heavy. s/h, grief, probably wont make sense

i have been bawling my eyes out for four days straight. two weeks ago someone i really love disappeared entirely and theyre completely uncontactable by everyone. i think they k/illed themself bc i know they were dealing with a lot lately but the possibility that they k/illed themself without even a *** s/uicide note or any kind of goodbye hurts me more than i think anything else ever has. i cant cope.

this year has been very bad for me because im dealing with a lot of repressed trauma/emotions (i am a child s/a and domestic abuse survivor, ive lived through it all at this point) and my boyfriend has been with me through it all, but im scared to tell him about this rn bc he knows them too and i dont want to worry him more bc i feel like im already putting him through a lot with everything going on now
i just. i miss them. more than anything. ive lost so many people this way and i dont want to lose them too. all i ever do is cry c/t myself and starve and its been getting worse lately, partially bc of this, i just, miss them. i will love them forever even if they stopped loving me as much as they used to. i feel like i created such a rift between us because i dont want to really talk to anyone besides my bf and it hurts knowing our last memories together were so , bleak. all because of me. i feel so stupid. they could be dead and i couldnt have even stopped them. it hurts so much because theyre doing the very thing they told me they were afraid of me doing; k/lling myself without a single *** word. no goodbye, no explanation. just waiting, hoping theyll tell me they love me again. they called me their sunflower once because they said no matter how many times i die mentally and wilt i always come back as bright as the sun andthey told me i filled the void in their heart and that it was where i belonged andn ow theyreufcking gone and i miss them i feellike theyw ere already replacing me but its okay because i want them to be happy. if someone else makes them happier than i did then thats, ok iguess.i just love them. and i want the best for them. they tried to be there for me but i pushed them away and they wouldnt let me help them when iknow they needed it and now theyre probablt d/ead and i feel like its my fauly. everything isalways my fault. we had so many plans together, so many things we were going to do and now its just all fuckinggone and it hurts so much. i will never find someone like them again. i feel like when i take one step forward i take fifteen steps backwards. everything always goes so *** wrong and i feel like its all my fault. i feel like a bad person and a bad friend. i miss them. i wake up and they are all i think about. their birthday is in three days and i just want to tell them how much i love them. i miss how much time we used to spend with each other. the days we would spend on call listening to music together. id rather listen to them cry and not be able to help than have them be *** d/ead and not know what happened. they were like a missing part of my soul and now that theyre gone i feel so empty inside again. part of me is dead and i wish i was too. ive been like this for years but this year has kind of pulled me apart. i dont know who i am. i dont know what i will be. i dont know what to do. i feel lost. i feel hurt. i cant stop crying. i want to k/ll myself too but icant do that to my boyfriend because he is my everything and i never want to hurt him. but i miss my friend. i love them. they will always be my special boy even if they stopped loving me. i see them in everything and i just want to hear their voice again. but i feel like im not even a person to them. if theyre dead, why didnt they tell me anything. i dont want to sit here and wonder and hope for something that will never happen. i miss how we used to be. i miss them more than anything. i love you j. so much. i hope i dont wake up tomorrow