Depression & Body Dysmorphia
Body dysmorphic disorder(also known as BDD, body dysmorphia, dysmorphic syndrome, or dysmorphophobia), is a disorder that involves belief that one's own appearance is unusually defective and is worthy of being hidden or fixed. This belief manifests in thoughts that many times are pervasive and intrusive.
It came up in my therapy today about how much I hate my body and how I need to fix it to start living a better life. My hair is too nappy. I'm too short and stocky. I need to get back down to 105lbsfrom my current 118lbs. My skins too dark. My toes are weird. And if I can change some of this and be pretty, I will like myself more and be able to make friends.
My therapist told me she wishes I could see myself how she and others see me. She told me I'm a cute, pretty girl with nothing to fix about my appearance. And she liked how I did my hair (I've never gotten a compliment on my hair before). I struggle to believe what she told me because I pay her, also because she knows how bad I feel about myself and didn't want to add to it.
Ive never had confidence. Today it was 90 degrees Fahrenheit and I wore dark jeans, sneakers, a long sleeve tshirt and a cardigan. I still felt gross and naked, especially when seeing all the well-dressed beautiful white women around.
I dont know how other women become confident. Currently I have no one in my life but my 2 cats and my therapist. My motivation is gone. All I can do is dream and try not to cry while trying to avoid looking at myself in a mirror.
It took me along time to realize that no one even noticed what I looked like or what I wore! People seem to only be concerned with how they themselves are seen and no one is looking at them either!
People that are, and will be, important in your life will not care if your hair is nappy or your head is shaved. None of those things amount toanything about who you are! Beauty is skin deep, but ugly starts from theinside.
Let me try to be slightlymore aggressive here. (I'm not good at this at all, so please humor me.) Howdare you think you can presume whatI think about you by how you look or what you say? Have youever been given any reason to think that I amthatstupid? Have you ever readanypost of mine that indicates that I would stoop to the level of judging someone by what they wear, their type of hair, or "?the color of their skin andnot the content of their soul?"
Wow! That was so unlike me! You've gotten me all worked up into a sweat! ;) I guarantee you that you will encounter people that will judge you on all sorts of stupid things! There just seems to be too many fools walking around and, for some reason, they actually thinkanyoneactually cares what they think! I always wanted to design coffee mugs that said, "What did I say thatsounded like, 'tell me what you think'?"
Ok. I know you have nappy hair. I don't give a damn. I know that youthink you should lose weight. (You guessed it!) I still don't give a damn. I also know that you find it difficult to accept a compliment.That is beginning to let me know whatyou are like.That peques my interest in you. If you like to wear your underwear on your head only bothers me if I can't see your eyes when we speak. Other than that, I say, "go for it" if it makes you happy.
Now I'llget to the point. All the things you described that you'd like to change, will fade in time. Boobs sag. Beards get laden with unseemly germs and bits of food. Libidos change with time and necessary medications. Inever thought I'd be attracted to a 70 year old. I guess I will when I hit 70.
Don't worry!Those who mind don?t matter, and those who matter don?t mind! I'm sureyou wouldn't judge someone by the way they looked, but what they had in their heart. I hope you find people that reciprocate.
Im trying my hardest to believe you right now :( But the only thing I can think of are all the negative reactions Ive gotten to my looks over the years :(
UGH! But Im trying to work on it
Try and be kind to yourself. It's not easy. Too often we are our own worst critics. You still haven't read anything that tells me the important things about you. Do you like art, music, porn? (I am joking about the porn. You may not want to go public with that!). Work on a resumr advertisement of you. Really give it some serious thought. What do you think I would really notice about you after a couple of hours of conversation in the dark? I look forward to hearing back from you! Be well
I really dont have interests anymore. Ive been depressed for so many years and Im on so many meds that I dont even feel like me anymore. Im just a body thats here and has bad thoughts.
I used to like art and I drew my own comics as a kid. I cant draw anymore. Just thinking about it makes me really anxious and sick feeling.
These days I work, go home, try not to cry, smoke weed to stop thikingabout how my life is meaningless, and I watch cartoons like Bobs Burgers. I havent been able to laugh since 2014, but I fake it when Im at work. I fake a lot of things. My nervous tick is to smile so thats not all bad about me.
I also have been forcing myself to take a shower every night even though I have no motivation to. Same thing with makeup, I make myself put on concealer so people thinking Imalert and awake and normal.
I dont really have a self anymore. Its its just chores. I work, I do therapy, I go home, I cry alone among my cats. I sleep. Then I do it again. Nothing changes. No one talks to me. I tried to have friends but they get sick of me after about 6 or 7 months. I just recently lost a friend. They dont message me anymore and stopped answering my messages to hang out.
Its hard to like myself. Id give anything to be somoene else or to hit my head and forget it all and start over.
I went through many years 'faking' a smile and going through the motions. When I did get a bit older, I did abuse many types of drugs. When I was older still, I added alcohol to my repitoire. That was me. I makeno assumptions that I haveany idea what and how things are effectingyou.
Do you read? If you do, what do you like? Are you open to trying something new? I'dlove to be able to share a semi-intelligent discussion. I don't have anyone to share my passion for books with.
Do you write? Want to read something I've written? I'd love your opinion; it matters to me. If you're interested I'll share. (It's not all pretty.)
Do you like music? Want to expose me to something new? (I'm an old fart and don't know many 'popular' music.) I'm nuts over Counting Crows as well a bunch of other 'odder' musicians.
What other passions do you have? What is your 'dream' that may seem 'silly'. I happen tolove reading aloud. It may seem silly, but sometimes I imagine 'nice' things (having my hair stroked) and 'fantasize' about things like that to help sleep. Do you have any silly things that may comfort you?
I really am interested inyou. What are you like? What do you want to be seen as? How do you think you would like to grow?
Please, talk to me.
I dont do a lot anymore. I used to read when I was younger/in school but now I dont have the motivation for anything. I have to force myself to go to work every morning. There are tons of things I should be doing. I should be reading and learning how to write stories. I should be practicing drawing so I can do comics again. I should eat food every once in a while and not spit it out. I should exercise to stay healthy. I should wear clothes that make me feel ok and not disgusting. I should wash my bed sheets and blankets. I should rent out the spare room in my apartment. I should. I cant. It hurts to bad and there no point to it.
The last book I read I did in one sitting, it was about Frida Kahlo and was written based off her diaries. That was last year. I didnt buy the book, I read it in the store.
I dont have passions. I just smoke weed and day dream. In my wildest dream Id be thinner, with beautiful soft curly hair. Id have great clothes that fit me and Id be stylish yet understated. Id do yoga. Id be able to live my life without being cat called and made uncomfortable. Id have a bigger apartment and make more money. Id be respected at my job and not talked down to. I would also be known for doing good work. Id have friends. Id have a guy be interested in me and I would actually be interested back and he would be really attractive and British. Id be able to take time off work to work on my comics. Id be able to go into public places and no be scared and anxious. I wouldnt cry every night. I wouldnt need weed to quiet my thoughts. I would be able to watch somethign new on tv without getting stresed out from losing my routine. A lot of things....
Looks fade. Gravity works! ;)
Would you care to look at one of my 'less than happy' stories I've written recently? (Iseem to have my act fully together, but I'm far from it.)
It was inspired by my desire to be able to perform (although I know I never would) 'Slam Poetry' and is meant to be read aloud.
If you feel up to it and wish to read it, you can see it here. If you read it, tell me what you think. Take a few guesses on how screwed up I am ;).
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-ikIEZh-tJIJuOrMrxCTLwl34FGm6SCEcbn3pNxcwGA/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mY5gDkC_PJMPNa2iajES9qz1eKd_QSHl-0GrcIGutlk/edit?usp=sharing
There! I've laid myself 'bare' to you. Don't feel obligated to read them. Don't feel obligated to be 'nice' about them. I have had a couple of piece published, so I am keenly aware of what 'rejection' is like and I don't take it personally.
J-
I've gained a lot of weight and now I feel tempted to go back to purging and starving... I know I have a problem I'm always binging but gosh! I feel deformed... some days I think I look good with some extra pounds but I think im losing the fight.
Try not to lessen your pain in a harmful way. Please try to treat yourself with kindness. We are all suffering; only the manifestations change.
Any ideas what is at the cause of your suffering? (You don't need to answer here obviously.)
Are there any 'escapes' from your suffering that are not harmful (reading, writing, music, pornography)? (I'm just joking about the porn...you don't have to admitthat here!
)
Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself. Youarecared for. Ask for the type of help you may need. Be courageous.
I am hoping to get something like a workbook to help me reframe my thinking (as my therapist puts it) I also forced myself to do some self care, so I took a shower and washed my hair (always a dreaded activity)
I dontfeel better yet. But Im still trying to improve
Sometimes you have to go through the motions for a while before you feel anychange. Good for you for seeking help. Now, try and be gentle and show yourself patience.
I wish I had friends to help me
How would this friend help? I am an old man, and I assure you I'm not a pervert, but I'll be happy to talk with you.
A little about me. I'm 50 years old and studied & taught Humanities in England. I came back to the US and took the courses necessary to become an elementary teacher and a special education teacher.
I took a 'break' from teaching for a while and was the head of technology for ahugepublishing firm in Manhattan. September 11 happened and I fell apart. I remember laying on the floor watching REM'sEverybody Hurts on MTV. Yes. MTV once played music.
To keep from becoming an 'inpatient' at the hospital, I agreed to attending two, one hour sessions with a psychiatrist per week and went on meds for the first time. At the same time, I began journalingevery single day. I also further pursued my philosophical / religious beliefs taking two or three hour long classes per week and took up meditation. Yup! I througheverything I could think of at it to see what 'stuck'.
After about 4 years, I was well enough to go back to teaching.
I'm married with two children ages eight and twelve. My wife has not grown past the stage where everything revolves around her. I am the one that has to set and enforce all the rules. I'm thebadguy, but I'm also the one that gets to share milestones, go to boy scouts, girl scouts?it all balances out.
I am very lonely and have no one to share my passions (books, writings...) with. My wife is only interested in Second Life (an online game or something).
I wouldlove to have even one real friend. With a family to raise, there really isn't much 'me' time.
What do you dream about with a friend? What would you share?My fantasy (even at 50 it may seem silly) is to have my hair & back stroked, while talking and being acknowledged for 'good' things I've done? Youdon't have to write it here, but think about it. What fantasy doyou have. (Obviously I don't mean that in a sexual way.) How about having your hair brushed and having some one read while you fall asleep feeling safe? That type of thing, and what I mentioned, doesn't go away with age. Even if it issupposed to, who the ##@$) cares! No one gets harmed by a fantasy! (Especially a lame one like mine!)
Share with me. If not for you, then for me. I am lonely and my skin thirsts for some type of attention.
Be kind to yourself. Don't forget! Be patient with yourself!
To be honest I dont like to think about what I would really want. It makes me feel bad because I dont like to dream too much about myself. I day dream about the characters in my head interacting and having fun, but I dont put myself in my day dreams. My dreams dont come true.
I'd like a friend to eat food with and someone who will lounge around with me and we can play cards and watch cartoons or something simple on tv. Just chill. Talk or not talk. Smoke pot together. Maybe if I have enough energy - go to a museum or a garden somewhere and look at stuff. Do some people watching. I dont have the energy for half of that now, so ideally my friend would understand that and my illnesses and not just disappear from my life like the rest of them have.
I find it interesting that you like the idea of someone stroking your back. One day I would like to be able to tolerate human touch, like hugs. I cant stand hugs. Being against someone is so icky to me (a childish word, but thats the word). I only can handle snuggles with my cats.
Also I read your slam poetry to my cats. We liked it. It makes sense to us.
Thank youso very much for evenreading my poetry. That in itself means a lot to me. The fact that you, and your cat liked it, well wow!
Once in a while, when I get 'stuck' I'll amble on over to https://ted.com and see what I can't find. Some of it has gotten a bit silly over the years, but many are people just brimming with passion. Why don't you find one that you like and share it with me and we can 'talk'. If you don't want to try it that way, I'll look at some that I've seen and liked and send you the link.
What do you think? Want to try?
Imfeeling a little bad today. I've noticed how flabby and shapeless my body is but I cant bring myself to do anything about it. Im feeling really pathetic and gross.
I looked at Ted.com - its full of a lot of positive and hopeful things - so I instantly didnt like it very much. Some of it looked cool - like the bamboo house - but some of it is just too positive and silly for me to find realistic/readable - like the How We Prime Some Kids for College and others for Prison. That headline/story makes me mad. I didnt read it, I dont have to.
https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are
The body language and confidence one in the Most Viewed section did catch my eye. I wonder if it works. Maybe one day when I have the energy, I can try to do some power poses and see if I hate myself any less than normal. Ofcourse, when that day comes I may have the strength/time/motivation to exercise and BOOM have a Beyonce body :) nah. Im still clinging to the idea that if i never shave my legs again, I'll grow fur, and transform into a cat. Meow
I am so genuinely happy you browsed teddy.com. Keep going through the motions for a while
I've been suffering with self image issues for a while now and recently, someone told me to do a test forBDD. Iscored 80 out of 100.
I guess I want some guidance as to how to get through this issue.
I understand that I have some eating problems and Irealisethat maybe what I see isn't what other people see but I can see the flaws. I see things that other people apparently don't. I find myself constantly checking in reflective surfaces to see if my face looks okay. I can't wear certain clothes because of the way they make me look. I find ways to hide my body and my face from people.
I'm having trouble accepting this issue and I was wondering if anyone knows of ways to accept it and help myself? Thank you.
I wish I knew but Im still working on the whole "not hating myself" thing. I never look at my face in reflections and mirrors, its too upsetting. Ive never had a photo of me I liked either so I dont do the selfie thing that everyone does now. id rather not be reminded of how gross I look.
And yes I constantly wear an oversized black cardigan to hide my stomach.
I am hear to say that, with the right help, it does get easier. Just a few months ago I had zero feelings aside from dealing with the bdd, but I'm healing. One thing that has really helped me is to take a step back from the mirror and just look at the whole picture. Don't scrutinize.
