Hearing Voices

when i was 12 or 13 i was introduced to a group of people who were enthralling and delightful they were entertaining and amusing
and i was captivated by their engaging conversations and their fascinating ideas
but just as easily unfortunately theyd turn on me and their words would become brutally humiliating and very critical of me
they crushed my spirit with their savagery fortunately or unfortunately they said they would stick by me
they said they would never leave me and they began to protect and guide me
but also punish me if i didnt do what they thought i should be doing we would spend hours in deep conversation
where i learned the worlds a dangerous place they told me i was hated that people were out there that wanted to get rid of me
they told me i was useless that i was hopeless that i was unlovable that i would never be successful bc i was too damaged
things i had tried so desperately to hide from myself and from others but they had uncovered the truth
i became terrified of going out and suspicious of everyone
they told me i was a messenger of depression and they promised me redemption if i proved myself worthy
they led me down some very dark paths with promises of enlightenment but all i ever experienced was bitter disappointment
i became dependent on them my companions were authoritative but they were vibrant vital genius and impossible to ignore
they knew so much about everything and i was totally absorbed by them over time it became hopeless to release myself from their rule and i excluded everyone from my life
including those people who were the most important and those people who fucked up and loved me i was now in a slavemaster relationship
its impossible to flourish in life when u are hidden from light
i constantly strived to gain their approval their praise and an invitation into their inner sanctum
but that door remains closed to me all of this disappointment just reinforced my internal self hatred which dominated my every thought and i became blocked from all thats wonderful in this world
yet without them i felt so desolate so alone because they filled a huge void in my life u see i have schizophrenia and hear voices
i hear a variety of different voices male female young old some of them even have these crazy accents and they are completely obsessed with me
they observe and remark on my every action my every thought theres no privacy theres no place of sanctity
they can access my thinking at will and i am never free of their ceaseless commentary and criticism
this collection of internal narrators meddles in every aspect of my life so whats it like hearing voices i
m sure youve asked yourselves this sypmtom of schizophrenia is tough but easy compared to some of my other sypmtoms
ill hit on those maybe another time but as far as hearing voices
all that happens is i hear people when they arent in the room and its as clear and concise as if someones directly in front of me
i tend to hear my voices from behind me so ill look around sometimes theres someone there sometimes there isnt
but the experience is exactly the same like most schizophrenics i live in a world dominated by words
i am easy prey to the power of words words can defame they can defile but they can also bring a heart back to life
i have come to view voices as an extreme form of anxiety due to other symptoms of schizophrenia
a coping strategy to deal with my high levels of anxiety and my propensity to worry about everything try to think of it this way
when feelings become too intense the mind decides u cant cope
so u cultivate a technique to ensure u will survive the onslaught and will not become overwhelmed by your emotions
theres little question that the primary objective of voices is to isolate
creating the ideal environment for them to have exclusive access to me it deprives me of any alternative view
and u are completely dictated by their views then that isolation it becomes a protection
and it becomes a protection against the anguish of living with such an extremely fragile soul
the specific clinical term is "auditory hallucinations" so auditory is hearing as im sure u know and yes i hear them
the fact is i hear voices other people dont hear thats my reality
but i acknowledge that is my reality and i acknowledge that not everyone is attuned to these exchanges
that doesnt mean they dont exist there are a lot of things that we experience as individuals that we do not share
they are unique to ourselves that does not mean they dont happen our mental health operates on a continuum
a sliding scale oscillating from low to extreme stress depending on life events living is a stressful business
and no person is immune to the trials and tribulations of everyday life
as human beings we are brilliant at dealing with complex difficult situations as well as the external stressors we have internal vulnerabilities
which make us susceptible to certain stressors sensitivities that have accumulated over our lifetime
fear of failure fear of rejection fear of conflict fear of being out of control u share these fears i have no doubt about that
and each vulnerability brings with it a mental load which we carry like in a backpack on our back
most of the time its light and we can easily carry around that burden but when circumstances add to that load such as
arguing with someone u care about bouts of depression letting people run over u little by little just everyday life
as each instance occurs the load accumulates and theres limits to how much stress any one person can tolerate
and when u add in our quiet vulnerabilities the effect will multiply and there will be a response there has to be
and in your backpack of stress its getting heavier and the effect multiplies exponentially your stress level has moved along the continuum
it has gone from medium to high to unbearable there is when we get stressed
hearing voices is a technique that we use to divert our attention and keeps us from the deeply wounding issues that overpower
us at times and make us incredibly fearful
the voices become a guide to help navigate a world that throws so much adversity and animosity towards us
fear is an instinctive response to a perceived threat and it safeguards us against danger
when your fear is activated your anxiety level will increase and your brain will be bombarded with instructions about how to deal
with this imminent threat with schizophrenics that fear response is triggered constantly and consistently
feeling unsafe u constantly scan for danger and when you look for it u will find it and this will increase your anxiety tenfold
ultimately extreme fearfulness becomes the minds default position that will make you hypervigilant to any threat real or not
when that converts into unrelenting extreme fear panic ensues and that is incredibly debilitating when i panic i seek refuge
i will frantically try to collect myself and may even shut down completely
trying to maintain the facade of being calm and in control when youre internally freaking out requires huge amounts of energy
when my internal and external worlds collide so dramatically that is when u are likely to see me openly talking to my voices
and when our calls for help and acceptance are rejected that makes that task so much more difficult
its not a crazy person u see but rather a person dealing with intolerable psychological and emotional pain
when u are overwhelmed overcome by fear and desperate its perfectly reasonable to hide yourself away and lick your wounds
to stay hidden its a very typical human response its not madness u are observing its a person trying to survive
the concept of madness is an interesting one arguably constructed by society to dictate social and cultural norms
up until 1974 homosexuality and epilepsy were both considered mental illnesses so times have changed masturbation
smoking in church these were symptoms of mental illness some who might be reading this even qualify or meet the criteria
u may be surprised to hear that 1 in 25 people report hearing voices history is littered with people who heard voices
theres Martin Luther King Jr. Gandhi Joan of Arc Winston Churchill
their memories are not marred by being identified as a voice hearer rather they are seen as heroic great orators great thinkers
yet every one of them would be considered mentally ill by todays standards as for me im only mad bc somebody else says i am
if i say the neighbor told me "dont drink from the tap its contaminated" im socially connected and i can sustain relationship
if i say a voice told me not to drink from the tap bc its contaminated then clearly im crazy please im asking u please
please dont be fooled by those negative images portrayed about people with schizophrenia
they come from a place of arrogance and ignorance i want to thank u for giving me this small moment so i can talk to u so i can be heard
for u have listened with compassionate hearts im sure u support me just by listening to me i am a fearful person im quick thinking
i have a desperate need to be liked i have low self esteem i worry excessively i laugh too loud i talk too much
but im kind and im generous and i am quite fun to be around i have shcizophrenia but im not mad man