I'm feeling like I'm falling back after 15 years…

I'm feeling like I'm falling back after 15 years…

I have suffered from depression for way too long before looking for assistance. I abused opiates and alcohol. I was high functioning on the outside, but a wreck internally.

I began meds & therapy after September11th. (I worked in Manhattan at the time as an executive-- think of the movies with an office with a cut crystal car... I left on September 13) and have never gone back into Manhattan.

I'm still on meds and in therapy. I'm pretty much a loner for various reasons, mainly being I was born as a reader & writer.
Recently I broke my wrist on my dominant hand. This is the first time in over 35 years where I haven't written every day.

There are a few things in my favor now-- alcohol, or anything else, is just not an option. I'm older, more skillful, and unwilling to give up religious vows that free me from substances that just further cloud delusions. I also have children now that deserve me being there for them.
Yet, I still suffer alone. Being barely able to write, for me, is akin to living in solitary confinement. (I choose my words carefully and don't make light of those in solitary confinement. Years back, I volunteered to teach at my local, pretty low level, prison. $50 might have bought 30 minutes or so of guards 'not noticing' me standing at a door talking ;)

I'm embarrassed to say I actually posted in CraigsList, not for anything sexual, but just to have my back scratched (that way you don't actually face the person you are speaking to). That ended up being a nightmare of spam.

I guess this is just the first time in a while that I'm feeling sorry for myself & letting angry thoughts arise, which I then am upset about because I am a firm believer that anger is akin to drinking poison expecting someone else to be harmed.

I've pretty much lived my life doing for others. Now that I need assistance, from my wife to help around the house & with our children or with my sibling to help my mom (who is 83) get groceries and to the doctor… No one is there. People are quick to say, "…if you don't ask for help, you won't get it." I am finding out that even when I do call out for help, it is ignored. I have never done good with the expectation of receiving anything in return. I have rarely turned anyone away. In fact, I try to do things as casually and privately as possible; I avoid an audience.
I guess I just need to rant. I'm done humiliating myself for the night / morning.

I am & continue to be.