Why I don't get support.
Hello, I have been reflecting on why I don't get any support (or rarely get support) on here or in real life.
For a long time I have blamed my own social deficits in not getting support from my peers, but I realised with time, after working a lot on self expression, being accommodating to individual differences in supporting, extending sympathy to those who couldn't/can't support me, I realized what I did or what I did not do was not the issue. I still got not support.
So this time I am reflecting on how people react to me seeking support and I have noticed some patterns,
1) people extend their sympathy in form of pity, display helplessness at my situation, then conclude the conversation by giving me some advice or life lesson. (example: do meditation, do yoga, things happen we just have to move on, this will pass)
2) people act incredulous of my situation, present doubt and scrutinize my situation from all angles, before presenting more doubt and in the end invalidating my struggles or labeling my struggles as a way of gaslighting (example: it's just depression, you're just burntout, you're overwhelmed)
3) people question my own knowledge of myself,this is mostly people who push for a diagnosis (example; how can you feel that?, do you have a diagnosis?, are you sure you're doing self help right?)
In all of these instances one thing is common - They don't listen.
How can someone who doesn't even believe me, ever give me support?
How can someone who doesn't listen even begin to understand?
For some context, I have C PTSD and DID, I am not diagnosed, but I also never seek support for these diagnosis,
I seek support with instances of abuse or trauma work, or daily life hassles, being stuck and decision making- I am never too graphic and I mostly focus on my internal thoughts at the time and not any triggering details. I work on very small basic things which don't even need a diagnosis in themselves.
Facing incredulity in my instances of abuse is horrible, victim blaming or simply not understanding is horrible too.
People do not understand that If I could go for treatment then I would go for treatment, even after I explain why legally and financially it's not viable for me to go for treatment, people bring the whole conversation back to getting a diagnosis and professional help.
Also since I never start with stating a diagnosis, and I finish most conversations without ever stating that I have DID, I find peoples narrative against self diagnosis to be pretty out of context, I never ask for validation for my diagnosis so I don't understand why they feel the need to tell me I can be wrong.
I do not need a diagnosis for someone to help me through a panic attack, or for someone to listen to me speak about past experiences or for someone to empathize with my abuse.
The result of that is, I can never work on the causes of my mental disorder secondly I can never work on the actual disorder itself, I feel very isolated in my issues, since no one even wants to hear it. I can understand why people do it or how hard it can for other people, it still does not stop the hurt I feel. Everyday gathering the strenght to open up, to hope for some support seems useless.
@Orihara Hey - I think in many cases here there alot of people who seem to have some sort of psychology background or they took a few classes - or even just an interest in it. And maybe some mean well - they don't really understand how complex and complicated things can be. How hard it is to reach out - to open up - to even trust someone enough to talk to. Especially with both the cptsd and DID. In some ways having a definite diagnosis is a good thing - but mainly for yourself. It's not anyone's place to tell you that you could be wrong - especially here when alot of people admit that they're self diagnosing. There's a reason this place is here - for support and alot of people don't have therapists for numerous reasons
It's not right that you shouldn't be able to find someone to listen. Sometimes it's nice to just have an ear to vent to. And people don't need to fully understand everything to just listen - but I have noticed that alot of the listeners seem - Idk - looking for easy chats I guess. Break-ups or relationship issues or even just depression - but right away they do seem to push the therapy angle - it does make you feel really isolated
I'm willing to talk - I'm not a listener but we can talk in here if you'd like. I don't have answers to much but I am willing to listen - there are other sections in the trauma community for cptsd and DID - people that would be understanding - You'll probobaly see me around there too :) Allthough things are alittle chaotic right now it seems because I think they're alittle short handed
Idk - I'm sorry if I intruded - I just wanted to say that I do understand - I do hear you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, it's not an intrusion. I appreciate it. (Sorry for the late response)
Yes people do think that they understand everything after studying a little about it and yeah their intentions can be good or they might not want to be involved in the complexity of it all. Which yes leads me to feel more isolated and irrelevant.
Thank you for the offer to talk, I'm just trying to get through this alone right now, except for small instances of reaching out for support when crucial or venting. I'm just too tired. I do try to be as gentle as I can with myself, this kindness towards myself is the only thing preventing me from being more hurt by people.
@Orihara It does make you feel isolated and irrelevant. People don't seem to understand just how hard it is to come forward, admit what you have and feel hopeful that someone will listen. There is so much stigma behind DID. People have these preconceived notions about how violent or crazy we might be. You take a leap of faith hoping to find someone with an open mind. Instead, it seems you just find more evidence to why you should isolate and try alone. The listeners ghost you or ask inconsiderate, hurtful questions and members want scientific proof that alters are their own real people. And there is never any answers to any questions. You ask, they tag someone and nothing comes of it. It's disappointing.
@mytwistedsoul I apologize, I didn't mean to rant and come across aggressively.
@mytwistedsoul
True it's very hard to navigate through all the preconceived notions people have.
It's like we can't just open up and talk about our issues, rather we have to side by side explain things, provide proofs and definitions and engage in all the contemporary debates around DID. To say that least it is very tiring, it also kind of objectifies us, either reduces us to a diagnosis or reduces us to a study subject for other people.
You didn't come across aggressive but well I am pretty aggrieved facing that all the time so it's understandable to be unsettled by it, due to all the stigma as a system we can't even exercise all our emotions because there is so much gaslighting everywhere as you said they perceive us as crazy and they want validation of it, which is why systems have to take so much care in how they come across to people. I wish it wasn't like that.
I know you have said that you'd be willing to listen to me, but if anything is triggering or unsettling you don't have to engage in it, talking to other people with DID can be hard because of mutual hurt over things so I'd understand and yes you're welcome to vent as much as you want.
@Orihara thank you so much for sharing, this is a great reminder about respecting people's knowledge of themselves
@octopuses
Thank you for reading, understanding and being affirmative.
an update:
My frustrations with never getting any help are growing each day.
Even when I'm happy or sharing a precious moment no one cares.
Even when I only seek support once a week or once a month, no one cares.
Even when I keep it short or to the point, no one cares.
Even when I only seek support when the topic is already going on in the room, no one cares.
The apathy of the world is destroying me.
I do not think I should be open to this destruction of open any of my vulnerabilities to this world, simmering alone and isolated with my issues was actually better than hoping for support or hoping for basic human decency, respect.
People just decide you are not worthy, they collective reach the conclusion that it's fine to ignore or sideline this person.
have no energy to fight anything, anyone or take a stand.
I can now only show respect to myself and keep my dignity with whatever I haven't allowed this world to spit on already.
whenever I complain about it, someone does pop up to say we are here speak up,
but they don't realize it's just a denial again, again someone not validating my struggles and actually worse, because they want me to join in, to invalidate my struggles with not getting support.
If in this moment of struggling with an apathetic world someone forces me to acknowledge the empathy, the silver of pretentious empathy they have to offer for a few minutes, yes it does mean something, it might have meant a lot with other struggles or low times, yes it would have kept me afloat or made my day and opening up worthwhile, but now this silver of empathy is like a slap to my face. A denial, a gaslight. It's telling me you could have had it, you are responsible for this misery, that my misery is imagined.
amother awkward uncompleted share, because I don't have the energy, nor the will, nor the sophistication to express my thoughts anymore.
