Alone

@SleepyShyCat

I can understand how you feel completely from experience. It's not always easy to find people who will care about you. I've struggled with the lack of interest from lots of friends and that's how we grew distance and our friendship ended. You shouldn't expect everyone you talk to to automatically wanna communicate with you. But, I do see where you're coming from and can agree that being lonely sucks and it hurts to deal with. but, I'm really glad you decided to share your feelings, it means a lot to hear how you are.

Have a great one

-Soul

@SleepyShyCat You are not alone in feeling alone. I felt an immense sense of loneliness and sadness last week. Thankfully I got a call out of the blue from a family member and we spent two hours on the phone. That definitely cheered me up to open up to her and talk about other things. It's not the same as having a close friend or even many surface-level friends, but it's better than nothing. Hopefully you can reach out to someone similar in your life.

You shouldn't give up on reaching out or trying to meet new people though. Your statement of, "Even though I try to connect with others no one wants to, so it doesn't help." struck me as misconceived. For instance, I go fishing semi-annually. I haven't caught a fish in the past 2 years. Does that mean it's never going to happen? No. I think most people would say that I just have bad luck or that I just don't try often enough. Maybe I should find new places to go fishing. I hope you see where I'm going with this.

Self isolation will ensure that you stay lonely. At least if you go out and try new things, then you'll be around people that have the potential of being your new friend. And you'll have that experience of getting out of your comfort zone. That's a lot better than looking back at your life and realizing how much you let fear keep you locked inside where you felt safe. It's not easy, especially if you're very anxious like me, but the good things in life usually aren't easy to get.

Best wishes, Cain

I feel the same .I feel like this specially after a break up.

@SleepyShyCat

How ironic even though I feel alone, but, loneliness and being alone are two different types of feelings, isn't it? Though you are right, some people find other people who care for them.

But, people like us are alone forever.

@SleepyShyCat Hi Cat! Sorry this is a late reply!

Hopefully you are feeling less lonely now, but I think the topic of "loneliness" is an important one to circle back on. I can relate to the feeling of not "clicking" with people. Very rarely am I "alone" but I do feel "lonely."

The articles here highlights some reasons why we might feel this way:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness#identifying-and-fighting-loneliness

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/about-loneliness/

I thought this was insightful below:

"Why is it so hard to seek out companionship when one feels lonely? There's evidence that lonely individuals have a sort of negativity bias in evaluating social interactions. Lonely people pick up on signs of potential rejection more quickly than do others, perhaps better to avoid it and protect themselves. People who feel lonely need to be aware of this bias so as to override it in seeking out companionship."

There is also something called the Hedgehog dilemma:

"The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is a metaphor about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur, for reasons they cannot avoid.

Schopenhauer conceived this metaphor to describe what he considers to be the state of the individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to explain self-imposed isolation."

This description is a bit dramatic; however, it did help me frame loneliness in a different light. I noticed my "loneliness" amplified when I was around people, and now I know why. It is good to keep a balance of connecting with others and being alone. There can be a power in "being alone" with yourself to reflect, recharge, etc. But connecting always comes with some risk of it not working out. So when you re-connect with people it might be good to note if you feel distracted/guarded during the conversation.

These are some way I had to learn to be more comfortable with myself in conversations.

1. Learning what some of my insecurities are and acknowledge/address them in manageable ways. Sometimes I struggle with keep up with current events in conversations because I avoid the news, so I try to just get the highlights so I don't feel left out completely.

2. Learning to be authentic without "oversharing." People recognize and appreciate authenticity, but some topics just might be a little too heavy or they don't know how to respond appropriately. Eventually I had to learn to share what I am feeling in a way that was more digestible. This varies depending on how "close" I become with someone.

3. Being aware that not everyone knows how to respond in a situation (at first). For example, my friend was going through some medical issues, and even though I wanted to support her I was worried about saying the wrong thing. Eventually I learned that she wasn't looking for reassurance that the treatments would work out, but just wanted someone to acknowledge what she was experiencing was stressful and was tired of having to "act strong" for other people. She just wanted someone to listen to how she actually felt and how scared she was.

4. Realizing that I hate small talk. I think a lot of people feel this way, but it can't be avoided at parties or work events. I just really had to make sure that I didn't get too nervous and ramble about myself or push the conversation into familiar territory because I was uncomfortable. I found the easiest way to break that was just ask people open ended questions. People LOVE to talk about themselves or things they are interested in. And sometimes you learn some interesting information that helps the conversation evolve naturally.

5. Sometimes people ask be about specific things that I don't know or I didn't understand. It is okay to ask for clarification or make light out of not knowing something. We don't always have the perfect answer ready and that is okay. It doesn't help to put pressure on ourselves that situation.

6. To have a good friend means to be a good friend. I am terrible at keeping up with people and remembering things. My husband is a master of remembering small details about people and bringing them up later. People have told me that they are impressed and appreciate it that from him. For example, someone mentioned going on a trip last you spoke, you can follow up on that and then you can have a good conversation talking about travelling, etc.

So here I rambled a bit, but remember we are also here for you if you need!