Happiness Is A Choice
Attitude of Gratitude
This is something most do not want to hear but it is true.
I suffered from deep dark depression many years. I actually had bipolar I and so the depression treatments weren't working. For three long miserable years I bounced in and out of hospitals while docs figured out the mess, and it was a tough job truly.
I ended up dxed with the following:
Bipolar I, DID, BPD, Anxiety disorder, PTSD, and some dx indicating I had psychotic episodes which changed dependent on who was treating me.
I also had thyroid disease and PMDD so bad my gynecologist, also a surgeon, assigned herself some surgery and removed my ovaries to permanently fix that.
It took many years and multiple docs and therapists to tease apart that plate of spaghetti and treat what was actually wrong.
People notice a distinct lack of self-pity it is one of my notable features. That is because I used up all my self-pity those hard dark years. I didn't just throw regular pity parties; I was a professional pity party planner. I was an expert; I threw them with finesse!!
I got sick of them; I had it; I hated I was gloom doom drama; I literally couldn't stand myself and I stopped it all cold.
I then discovered something interesting. My depression was a liar. That I could separate myself from it, and not believe all the crap it was telling me. That deep in this dark pit, I could be rebellious against the negative voices and choose joy. I started to do so.
Recently I read a tweet by a Ukrainian woman. She said, Good morning. That's a choice.
Meaning, even in her current circumstances of Russia is destroying my beloved country without cause; I go to bed knowing maybe I won't wake up in the morning a bomb hit during the night -- having a good morning, it's a choice.
I said I understood. I feel I have fought a war on a battleground people cannot see. I have been largely successful so the enemy is always encroaching. I get it.
Once I made this choice, I am going to be happy despite all the lies depression tells me, many things happened it was the road to freedom literally!!
Where I Am Today
I am sick I have plenty of bad tests dxes in my medical charts...lots of drama around all that, still not getting the treatment I need.
I get depressed discouraged it is a darker world; I feel mad and sad about all of it.
Those who know me in person and who meet me online comment how joyful I am!
Caseworker: every time she sees me I am laughing, smiling, telling jokes!
Friend who hasn't seen me in awhile: You look good. Your skin looks good.
People here and elsewhere: I have a presence, a vibe, peace, they want to be around that!
It is God in me they feel. I went on a road I really feel now the first step was choose happiness.
Square Zero was don't lose hope.
DID was diagnosed by a psychiatrist; I switched at the clinic and an alter caused a major scene, lol, so he dxed me!!
I was raised by Satanists trauma was extreme. I was a tough, complex case.
But not a hopeless one!!
Have a blessed day!
@RogueOne1983 hello self you knew this wouldn't be loved. Congrats being brave writing it anyway!!
@RogueOne1983 Tbh I saw your post a little earlier but I wasn't sure what to say. Tbh insecurities have been running rampant lately. 😅 I admire your courage and your strength. Your journey hasn't been an easy one. But yet you're persevering and making your life better. I often say that depression is a liar but I still believe what it says. In my defense it has been a really rough past few months
You did great writing this! It's not easy to share the things we've gone through in the past
We share some similar diagnosis. That how it was discovered that I had DID too. Scared the you know what out of the poor therapist at the time. Scared me more later
I can't say that people don't like it or that it isn't loved - people seem to shy away from what they don't understand or can't relate to
It's nice to meet you :)
@mytwistedsoul that last one exactly.
I tend to write things that go deep people say little as a result.
I am glad you responded! Sorry you too have DID.
Thanks much!!
@mytwistedsoul oh and people read this it sounds like "Rogue achieved this with the effortless grace of gods. Has a shiny smile -- use Orbit chewing gum!" OMG
@RogueOne1983 I think depth can intimidate people. A lot of times I think people worry they'll say the wrong thing or be invalidating when they don't mean to. I know I do lol 😅
@mytwistedsoul thanks for your kind helpful comments, so appreciated!!! 💙💛
@RogueOne1983
Hi there 👋🏻
I admire your courage to write all what you feel.
And I am proud of you that you could admit that there's a problem.
And how strong you are saying that it's a lie and realized that you can end this.
I agree with you that happiness is a decision, If you want to be happy you will see the happiness everywhere, maybe in a face of someone smiling, in kids playing around you, in helping poor people, in an animal you gave it some food.
Also I want to add that all what doctors said is not correct 100% and we shouldn't just surrender to what they say.
Stay strong and keep showing to all who around you that if the mountains moved out you will remain strong and will win your war
@YahyaAhmed thanks Yahya Allah hafiz! I am a Christian but I show respect. I appreciate your support!
@KindWolf2023
Thank you for your kind words 🙏🏻
@YahyaAhmed Welcome!!
I can relate to you viewing happiness as a choice. I also understand that in saying this you are not belittling the struggle of others either. It's just a place you have come to and your understanding of how you can handle it.
I start out against it by decoding I cannot let it co trol what I do even of it can control how I feel. I can do the dishes even of I feel like crap emotionally. I can sweep the floor, fold laundry, or pull weeds. Concentrating on paper work can be a little harder and I have techniques for that also.
I have found that the escapism I employ by zoning out to TV or YouTube or social media can be replaced with listening to podcasts and stories that occupy my mind while I get things done. Finding ways to take holistic care of myself while being responsible makes me happier than I would be if I just give in to sadness or depression.
On a scale of miserable to happy we can do things to make it less bad even of we cannot slide ourself all the way to happy. It does not have to be all or nothing.
Also choosing to be happy, for me ,sometimes means fighting not to lose ground in other aspects of life even if I struggle with negative emotions for a time.
It might look like making lots of small decisions to be happy by not becoming more miserable. This could be forcing myself to sit and pay bills so I don't have late fees and such, or it might mean taking time to make healthy food instead of grabbing junk. Or organizing myself and making calls to schedulerepairs or medical appointments.
Not loosing hope is important. Believing tomorrow or the next day can feel better helps making choosing easier.
@purpleFig7203 This is so great. Exactly this!
I looked like a failure for years, honest. Even the docs started giving up.
Something was going on and things came together.
What you say here I did this. Different thoughts different actions sent me off in a different direction.
Little by little this creates real actual change!!
