Hard and Soft Compassion
When a beloved pet, friend, child etc. is running unconsciously into traffic, do you gently ask them to stop? Or do you explode into action and grab them to save them?
Just as love takes various guises, so too does compassion.
It can be the gentlest gaze like a shaft of sunshine in a glade of moss and oak, or a mama bear defending her cubs.
What are some other examples of soft and hard compassion?
@Dallady
I have not heard of that distinction before but it makes sense!
I have read that Dacher Keltner defines tough compassion as the “willingness to bear - even inflict - some discomfort at the moment to promote longer-term well-being. So I think an example would be not allowing our kids to play games till night or before finishing their homework. I have not find the definition for soft compassion but I guess it might be to stay calm and explain to them why it is not good to play games till night and perhaps allow them one game.
Do you know any article where I could read more about this? :)
@globalBraid3744
You're catching on; hard compassion could be something along the lines of yes denying someone playing too many video games if it will cause a loved one to be worse off if one doesn't.
Softer compassion would be used in the situation depending on what's happening. Perhaps soft could be utilized first "you're welcome to play video games for x amount of time in order to have enough time to complete your homework". If that agreement isn't respected then a harder compassion will need to come into play.
If soft compassion is all a child is needing to redirect them then that's all that's needed.
It could also be a style. Some parents or people may have a naturally ingrained hard level of compassion. This could be okay depending on the family dynamics or it could require some counseling and work, communication and change.
It not only depends on the situation and people involved but other factors as well such whether or not tough times are being experienced such as loss, moving or other huge change.
Ultimately a parent will mess up their child so the balance needs to come from the reality of life and the courage and strength to face it to the best of one's ability using discernment and a grounding in values and principles, positive growth and maybe a cookie or two.
Did I say a cookie or two? I meant a box of cookies. Or two. 😆
@Dallady
I would prefer a box of cookies instead of one for sure haha
@globalBraid3744
Haha. I don't smoke or drink or anything like that so lately cookies have been my guilty pleasure. I may or may not eaten a box of Viva Puffs. But I'm quite healthy otherwise.
@Dallady
I have never had Viva Puffs but they look so tasty! I like when there is a fruit flavor as well. Besides it, our body needs sugar! Eating cookies once in a while is totally all right.
@Dallady
Thanks a lot for explaining it to me! I think it is better to be soft with everyone unless it is really necessary to be more strict with set boundaries. I do agree that there are many factors that affect the personal style, it might be family dynamics or own upbringing, past experience, etc. I think people these days would make use of more information about communication and compassion.
@globalBraid3744
I think using soft compassion is better too and using hard only as needed makes sense.
But sometimes I wonder with people...it seems that we haven't figured that out yet.
And that is scary because ideally I like to think I live in a safe, happy and evolved world.
And to me knowing hard compassion (And hard love) people are out there still is upsetting.
I'm working and have worked for decades on being equanimous because I'm so emotional.
It's never seems like enough or like I'm worthy or deserving of life. Do you relate possibly?
I think you're also right that communication is key. Being honest, with integrity😊
@Dallady
I can relate, I am also very emotional and sometimes it can be difficult to hear the news about what is happening around us these days. Even though for me I think that hard compassion is better than no compassion and selfish behavior.
I wonder what makes you feel like you are not worthy and deserving? I think that the world needs compassionate and kind people like you.
@globalBraid3744
Thanks for your thoughtful reply and kind words!
I think what it is is that I wasn't raised by a family I'm compatible with.
If so than the idea of love unconsciously is set on deep denial and rejection of self
😢
Boundaries come to mind for me. It can be compassionate to be soft, to say yes, to care for— but it is equally compassionate to sometimes say no, to put an end to harmful behavior even if it seems like it is easier to let it continue. In these circumstances it is more loving to say, “I know that this may not be something comfortable or easy to hear/do, but if this continues in this way, it will not be beneficial for either of us.” It’s not about putting blame on either party but about saying, “let’s continue on a path of growth and clear the thorns so that we can come out less wounded.” ❤️❤️❤️☮️