Anniversary of my father’s passing (trigger warning for drug abuse)

Hey everyone,

Today marks the one year anniversary of my father’s death. His passing was sudden and sad due to a combination of his overdose on fentanyl and the massive heart attack caused by repeated attempts using the remedy.

I’ve spoken to my aunts and my mother today, and each gently asked me how I was feeling. I told them I’m fine- I really am. I think in a weird way his choice to not speak to me for over a decade allowed a bit of distance from these emotions- yeah, at the time years ago it hurt my feelings a lot when I’d hear from my mom about how often he’d speak with my younger sister and if he’d gotten in touch with me too but I’d remind her through grit teeth that he didn’t.

I wasn’t the one who needed him but I would have liked to have some small contact too.

Today I’ve prepared everything I’ll want. Pay day was early, but I wanted to make today more like a party. I wanted to get foods we’d both like (well, food I wanted but he’d have liked too, he just loved food!) a slice of cake that was his favorite kind according to my mom and was the kind his mother would make for each kid’s birthday. There wasn’t any German Chocolate cake at my store yesterday, so I got a single slice of fudge cake that I’m sure he would have found just as nice. Cake is cake.

I’ve had my yahrzeit candle ready since last year, safely stowed away in a drawer with the one for my friend in July. I’ll light it at sundown and let it burn for 24 hours till it extinguishes itself naturally. I’m not the most observant Jewish woman, but I try to do this one thing.

My aunts were touched that I’d planned to even light a candle for him…I may not have had the best relationship with him, but it’s important that the candle be lit so he knows he’s not forgotten. It’s good for me too mostly because all I’ve got is the memory.