Grieving for someone who's still alive

I just need to get this off my chest.

I met someone back in 2019 on a game called "wildcraft", i mentioned my niche interest and by coincidence the person knew about it. We became best friends.

They helped through a lot. I never had friends irl because nobody wanted to be friends with the weird kid (undiagnosed autistic child). They understood me. They listened to me. We were like soulmates, platonically. We told each other everything.

Then, November 2024.

We had a fight because they found out i have said stuff (out of jealousy) behind their back, when they confronted me i got scared and ghosted them... I should've texted them. Apologized. Explained everything. But it was too late. They blocked me everywhere so i couldn't text them until a few weeks later when my brother came into my room and i got the idea to text them through his phone instead (i tried reaching out to them before that by the way with alt accounts but none of the messages went through)

I explained myself, apologized and prayed...

I got another chance. But, they didn't forgave me.

Somehow, i messed it up. I didn't text them regularly because it was awkward and it seemed forced.

Then, i got an message from them saying we should stay strangers again.

Another few weeks passed and i let my emotions take over, i asked for another chance through a friend of them this time.

"I can't trust you anymore"

Is the answer that i got. I can't blame them. It's all my fault.

I will never forgive myself for the things i have said in the past. They were my everything. I really wish i could change how things ended.

I tried replacing them, tried forgetting them.

I will never find someone like them again. I would do anything for them to come back... But they won't. They don't care about me anymore, right?

Surely if they would, they would've reached out to me by now, no?

Everytime i think moved on there's something that reminds of them, i hate myself. Please come back :(