How to grieve

Hi all. I lost my mum in November 2020, I actually woke up to find her. It took me a minute to realise but when I did I just went into like a shock reaction but I had tears. Today it still feels like it happened an I haven’t grieved her properly I know she is not here anymore but part of me saying she still here an I’ll wake a she’ll be there. We had a tough connection mum an I. We fight then get along back and forth stuff for years. Out last fight was actually about her brother being a phediphile as he abused me for serval years but I never made a statement or went to court but back in 2022 I finally took that step and made a statement to the detective an he’s finally been charged my trial is In April next year. In a good way I’m happy because I had eye witness for quite sometime as he was also abusing my best friend at the time as he was going out with her mother sad part is she lost her court case. I could have been witness for her like she is doing for me after all these years. He’s charged 12 times was 14 charges but 2 got dropped. My mum called me an my best mate liars right up to the end before she passed away an me an mum also had a huge fight week before she passed away an I hold to that a lot because I feel it was my fault she passed away cause we had massive fight where I told her to pack her stuff and leave my house time I get back from walk. When I got back she was curled up sleeping next to suitcase half filled. I let her be just the bedroom. 4 days later she passed away in my house in the hallway and so many stories went around I’m still hurt by the most worst story that went around that apparently I killed an left her laying there didn’t call for help nothing. But if fact I last checked on her 2:10am an she was sleeping in bed then I’ve woken at 7:23am to alarm to get son ready for school to see her feet at my door. I even touched her cool skin to shake her but to try wake her but she was gone an I don’t know how long for. All I know is she felt cool to touch an when I shook her she barely moved an her tongue and lips were a really dark Dark purple almost say black. But she did look peacefully asleep. I am still trying to work through even seeing my own mum passed away an touched her.