Idrk why I’m writing this

i don’t know what typing something out might achieve but I guess I’ve reached this point. Every year for the last 4 years a friend has died, one was an accident and three were suicide. The amount of hurt that sits in a ball of foam at the bottom of the throat is impossible to measure and I’m honestly at a loss, these were the people I have grown up with and expected to continue experiencing life with, and In a split second everything has changed, I don’t know how to cope and I don’t want to, I sit here and I rot. I cancel my shifts at work and spend my money on drugs and food and china crap, I’m completely isolated from our old friends since the most recent death and I left school for my senior year. And the thing is I have no care to change what’s going on in my life, my teeth are probably rotting and I walk around like a zombie, my bf can’t deal with the amount of negativity in me at this point. So anyways lol back to tik tok I guess.