I'm left not really understanding my grief over my mom
Well, I was on several days ago and mom did pass. At 84 pounds she still went on for 4 days after when they expected. Expecting it to happen didn't soften the blow of it actually happening at all like I thought it would. From this I've learned mom was the only person who genuinely enjoyed talking to me and she knew me the most. I've been hurt by many people the past 11 weeks and worse since she passed. But yesterday she had a perfect celebration of life at our family church led by someone who had known her since she was barely 6 years old. During the service the shock lessened some, but now it is stronger than before. Mixed with the feelings of anger, hurt feelings, resentment and left feeling if I just faded away nobody would really notice. I've used so much self-restraint towards people. Reality has to be built from scratch because a reality in which all this awfulness occurred can't co-exist, so it needs done away with. I have no clue how to build a new one since I've never had quite a whole grip on this one and sometimes no grip. Mom was the anchor to reel me in. At the service yesterday was the first time I could really look at any of the more recent pictures of her. But now my mind is back to trying to push images and memories out of full range of vision. I've not attempted to try to make since or order of this and my therapist respected that Friday. In a way the shock just staying sounds better, but it actually physically hurts, and I can't feel so many things far bigger than myself trying to burst through. I couldn't survive all of that at once, but I don't know how to gently approach it and try not to let things flow full blast. It feels a lot like very delicately diffusing a ticking time bomb. I also know it's not healthy to suppress. Nearly 17 years of battling severe mental illness with my right there every step. But none of that compares to what happened 11 weeks ago and ending Wednesday at 10 am. I could use any tips, we are all different, but ideas on gradually and delicately approaching this. There are the moments I simply want to be completely left alone by everyone coming around me here. I need this to do solitary since I need to get more used to that now anyways. But I need to remain safe when beginning to touch and have some pressure relieved before therapy this week. I would like to keep my dignity intact as much as possible.
@TrueSight your mum isn't the only one who genuinely likes talking to you, I do to, I think your very very interesting, sweet, lovely person. I understand how it physically hurts, it's not easy to loose your mum, your best friend. Taking your time to grieve slowly, sometimes helps, it varys from person to person though. I'll tell you a few things that have helped me to grieve and let go a bit. I have a willow tree in the middle of the garden, under it is a cross for joshua. (my son) I like to go sit out there early mornings watch the sunrise, talk to Joshua and God. It's just so peaceful, and gives me that special place to relax and be with him. I also have a treasure chest under the tree, with the toys I buy him for birthdays and xmas, I'm into art and crafts so I make him toys too, put them all safe in his treasure box. Also I write poems, notes or letters, would work too ❤ then I attach them to a helium balloon and let it float up to heaven. I don't know if any of this is something your ready to do, or if you found this helpful or not. But take your time, you can't rush the grieving process, and there ain't no shame, you are not going to loose your dignity, by taking your time. People need to understand that your world has been turned upside down. And you wanting to rebuild a new life for yourself that sounds great, a new chapter a new start ❤ I'm glad the service went ok on Sunday, I actually lot a candle for her to in my room ❤ I'm not going anywhere you can talk to me ❤❤ how are you feeling today? Are you sleeping, and taking care of yourself properly??
@Tinywhisper11 I'm working on improving my sleep hygiene, diet and hydration. I see my primary care doctor at the end of the month and am expecting a big lecture. Since the accident I've gone down to waist sizes and gone down to a small shirt size.
@TrueSight it's ok sweetie, you'll get back on track, just give yourself time ❤ I know your trying your best, and that's all you can do ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤squeezes you tightly, it's all gonna be ok ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I moved into her bedroom last week. I figured it would be months before I could. But I feel her in here. I kept her wall decorations as is but rearranged furniture and added a recliner I want rid of to go with the couch. It's a massive room with 10 ft tall ceiling. There's a bit too much space. My old room was tiny which is so unlike the rest of the house. There's its own exterior door to the front porch. ALSO...the room is pure heaven to plants. My plants are thriving just since moving in here last Tues/Wed. And I have a bit of a shrine to my mom and aunt. I kept all mom's clothing and shoes that made me think of her the most.
@TrueSight that was a very brave move your doing amazing ❤ I understand you can feel her presence there. Your really struggling right now 😞 it's ok to feel and grieve, I'm here for you ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ one suggestion, when your ready, if you want to but perhaps put some of her belongings in storage, so not get rid of, but then perhaps make the room your room ❤
@TrueSight I am really sorry for your loss, my friend. I truly am.
@calmMango9611 thank you. I appreciate it. Ever since the accident in March it has been as if I have been watching someone else's life. Because these awful things could never happen to either of them in a realistic world. If it's the realistic world then I just going back to my little alternate reality only mom kept me anchored enough to not get fully lost in.
@TrueSight That is fully and completely understandable.