Is This What You Wanted? Emotional Poem

Is this what you wanted?

To teach me that "I love you" always comes with an expiration date.

To make me wonder if every smile is just someone practicing for the day they leave.

Is this what you wanted?

You taught me that silence is louder than screaming.

That "I'm okay" is easier than explaining why I'm not.

You taught me to apologize for bleeding from wounds I never asked for.

Is this what you wanted?

Fear doesn't knock anymore.

It has a key.

It walks in, puts its feet on the table, and reminds me that everyone has a breaking point.

Anxiety... doesn't ask questions.

It answers them.

"They're mad at you."

"They've had enough."

"You're about to lose everything."

Before reality gets the chance.

Is this what you wanted?

Depression is different.

It doesn't scream.

It doesn't threaten.

It just sits at the edge of the bed...

waiting.

Waiting for me to believe that this version of me is the only one that ever existed.

Is this what you wanted?

Because I don't remember what peace feels like anymore.

I don't remember what it was like to hear my own thoughts without wondering which ones were actually mine.

Every room feels like a courtroom.

Every conversation feels like a confession.

Every goodbye... feels permanent.

Is this what you wanted?

To turn love into something I inspect instead of something I feel.

To make every hug feel temporary.

Every "I miss you" sound rehearsed.

Every "forever" feel borrowed.

Is this what you wanted?

I keep looking for the version of me that believed people...

before fear introduced itself.

I think he died so quietly...

no one noticed.

Not even me.

Is this what you wanted?