It’s been 8 months and I still don’t feel better

Hi, I’m new to this community and app. In March of this year I lost my grandfather. He lived in a different state, and in January I moved away from home to stay nearby and be with him and help as much as I could. He was on hospice but there were 3 different occasions that we were sure he was going to pass away, so 10 of his 11 children came to say their goodbyes- and I came as well.

The day he died I was so unprepared- I truly thought that this was a “false alarm” and when he died I just couldn’t believe it. I watched it happen- I had to call my Dad, (his son) and tell him and it was terrible. I watched my Grandmother break down and mourn and I hear what she cried out everyday. I can’t get it out of my head, my family’s cries of grief replay in my head almost daily.

We kept his body in the house for almost 6 hours after he died, and when they took him away I was one of the only people who stayed in the room to watch- to make sure they treated his body with respect. I wish I didn’t stay in the room.

I moved back home shortly after. I can’t go back to the state he died in. I tried, in July for a cousins wedding and I disassociated the entire time and ended up leaving early. I can’t look at my family anymore without hearing them crying the day that he died. I don’t know what to do. The holidays are coming and my Dad wants me to visit with him at Christmas and I don’t think I can stomach it. What do I do?