Losing the only sister

*TW- Self harm, Suicide, Depression, Schizophrena, DA, abuse.*

I keep blaming myself and my parents. I dont think they deserve that. We are a dysfunctional family but we all have our struggles. We grew up poor. They got us through our initial days no matter how.

I got anger issues, my sister got attention and multiple other issues. As a big sister, i have expectations put on me to be the best, to take care of family, to decide the future; financially and generally. I wanted to create a future for us. I am an introvert which makes it very difficult to share my emotions. My sister was an extrovert who got no one by her side to hear her story. She was bitten down when she expressed something (Asian parenting at best). My father was abusive when we were children. My mother is meek. She had no one beside me but i also distanced myself from others, from her.

By the time we are older, we were not emotionally close. We went shopping together, for food, for fun together. But we didnt share our struggles.

At 25, i got a job. I had a way to give my parents a good life. I struggled with the new place, new people, new expectations. I got frustrated. I forgot my promise to my sister that i'd protect her, that she'll be with me when i get a job. Now that i had a job, i keep thinking about a better future, making my mother happy, saving money, investing. I started to coerce her to study hard, to get a job so that she can help me. She got depressed.

Today, i am 26yrs old and she was 24. She got diagnosed Schizophrenia. The voices in her head wouldn't shut up. The voices outside were telling her she was a burden. I kept telling her that her existence doent matter if she doesnt help me with family. She was pressured. She kept telling that whenever she sits down to study her mind gets distracted. I kept pressurizing that she can do it. She can solve one problem at a time. She didnt believe so. She thought she cant do it.

By now, i have forgotten her low threats to end her life. On 19april, she took the biggest step of her life- of all of our lives. She jumped. Said someone called her.

We took her to hospital. The treatments got delayed. She took her last breath in front of me. I didnt believe. I was frozen, numb. She couldnt die from just a broken leg, can she? We didnt know her injuries were so severe.

Now, she's gone. I am left alone. What am i going to do? How am i going to survive?