Loss of my father

I lost the one person that gave me the most important life lessons out there. He showed me right from wrong. Made me see that I am better at things if I just keep trying to do them. Was there in times of need or when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He never let me down but I can move past the day he passed away. I had a feeling the night before it happened that something was wrong but I lived 22 hours away. When I got the news that something had happened I was at work I lost control of myself and never forgave myself for being there the day he passed. I always thought that maybe if I was there I could give him the hope and inspiration he needed to continue to fight but I will never know exactly if that’s true or not. I spent the last three years ruining everything around me from my health mentally and physically working as many hours a day as I could to suppress my feelings. I in turn lost my best friend my wife and my soul mate as I couldn’t do what was right and keep my head straight. I will never get things back to how they were before all of this. I struggle with PTSD from my time in the Army and not taking my medication proved I wasn’t as strong of an individual as I thought I was. I consistently said I was okay but knew deep down I wasn’t. I said a lot of hurtful things and drove away everyone that tried to help. It landed me in jail for two weeks due to an assault charge. I am finally understanding now what I need to do but can’t get over the fact I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. Everyone says it takes time to heal but when is time actually a good thing in the fact I can’t have the one person I truly need in my life to walk beside me and show me what I really need. I know God works in mysterious ways and I pray he shows me how to be a better person everyday and I hope I can fix everything I have done to make my life right.