Mourning the living
A week ago my fiancé was disowned by her family for being a lesbian. My heart is completely broken for her.
She moved to North America from a middle eastern country a few years ago to study and start a new life. We met, fell in love and are getting married this year. She still kept in contact with her family weekly and they’ve been oblivious to her sexuality her entire life because it’s both a sin in their religion and a crime in their country. They know me but think I’m a friend. Her sister found out about us and told her parents and now she’s been exiled.
What I witnessed her parents say is nothing short of pure evil and hatred. They said the most vicious and vile things I’ve ever heard anyone say to another human. Her father told her she’s dead to them and that he never wants to see her again. Her mother told her she wished she was dead and that she’ll spend every day praying that bad things happen to her. Typing that makes me feel violently sick.
My fiancé has since blocked everyone and deactivated social media to take a break. She’s obviously devastated but is holding on really strong. But, she struggles with letting her emotions out. She hated crying and fights it really hard. She struggles with vulnerability and would rather push it away. This is something she can’t push away and tonight she broke down. She’s grieving her mother, father and siblings all at once. I comfort her the best I can but I know nothing I say or do will heal what’s so incredibly raw. I’ve encouraged her to speak with a therapist but she has always rejected therapy and says it won’t do anything. I’ve encouraged her to speak with others who have gone through this but we don’t even know where to seek that out.
I don’t know what I want to get out of posting this thread. I guess it’s mainly to get this all off my chest but maybe to seek support and advice from anyone out there who’s been through *** like this themselves.
I love my fiancé so damn much and will do everything I can to make sure every day she knows she is loved and cared for. Not just by me but my family and our friends too.
@herebyhalo
I believe she may benefit from a support group. I think there is one here at 7 Cups.
Regarding therapy, I suspect the challenge would be to encourage recognition that the aversion to it may be based on conditioning from her family's culture. Another way of saying it is, the thoughts about therapy may be based on the same conditioning/beliefs that rejects her sexuality.
I do think she's more likely to embrace a support group though, at least in the beginning.
@herebyhalo
Once I read my previous post, I'm not sure I came across as intended. I think the idea is that the family is wrong to reject her, and their opinions regarding therapy may also be wrong. I think there's quite a good chance that in the future, she may be asking herself, "what else are they wrong about?"
She's fortunate to have you there as she processes the grief.
I understood what you meant and I think you are right. Her hesitation towards therapy stems from mental health not being taken seriously in her home country and seen as a weakness so it was conditioned in her to hold everything in. I will keep encouraging group therapy because I can definitely provide as much support as she needs as her fiancé, but I think she’d benefit from also hearing from those who have lived experiences being exiled from family for who they are and who they love. Thank you and I appreciate your response
I understood what you meant and I think you are right. Her hesitation towards therapy stems from mental health not being taken seriously in her home country and seen as a weakness so it was conditioned in her to hold everything in. I will keep encouraging group therapy because I can definitely provide as much support as she needs as her fiancé, but I think she’d benefit from also hearing from those who have lived experiences being exiled from family for who they are and who they love. Thank you and I appreciate your response
@herebyhalo that is absolutely atrocious. Im so sorry she is going through that. It really is a different kind of evil to disown your own children for something like this.
It definitely is 💔 we were watching an episode of Queer Eye last night and there was a mom who was talking about her trans child coming out to her and loving them unconditionally, because what parent wouldn’t want their child to be happy and be themselves and her saying that really made me tear up. Some people have purely rotten and evil souls and don’t deserve to have children.
@herebyhalo Hey! Just wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone in that regard. I believe that if God didn't want gay people on earth why did he create them? Religion was created by man and man is imperfect. I don't know what God thinks or wants. No one does. All we know is that he created this beautiful planet with all sorts of living creatures and things which includes us. Your fiance is still a child of God. And NO ONE has a right to say that she's not loved by God because shes different. Which is wild because why would people be mad at others for being different? EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Which is why I believe unless someone is actively harming another, then leave religion and politics out of it because religion and politics has nothing to do with the individual! And I stand by that!
Speaking of experience, both me and my husband have experienced being ostracized from both of our families because of our lifestyles and personalities. And as much as I want to have the relationships that I desire, which is definitely immediate family, if they want nothing to do with me, what kind of family is that? Can you tell me? Because family in my personal opinion wouldn't treat their family like garbage or like their lifestyle doesn't matter. And that's the thing. Religion wants to control our journey. While spirituality is personal to the individual. I hope your fiance finds comfort and Joy here soon.
This was a very kind and sweet response, I appreciate that more than you know! Thank you so much for sharing your insight, I wholeheartedly agree that no single person has the right to claim someone isn’t loved by God. If the God you’re praying to would banish someone to *** for who they love then I don’t think you’re praying to God; you’re influenced by the devil. I’ve witnessed people be exiled from family for being who they are and being told “I’ll pray for you to be cured” which is still horrible and comes from ignorance, but at least underneath that there is some version of care and thinking they’re doing the right thing. But with my fiancés parents, her own mother told her that she was going to pray every day that my fiancé endures pain and suffering…what disgusting excuse of a person let alone a MOTHER says that to their child??? She’s not praying to God, that woman is worshipping the devil. That is pure evil.
My fiancé knows in her heart that her relationship to God is hers and hers alone and that there is nothing wrong with her. She is a Muslim and I wasn’t raised religious. Neither were my parents but my mom found comfort in Christianity when she was in her 20s so it’s always been around, just never forced. I would occasionally go to church with her in my late teens because she’d only go to churches that were vocally accepting of people who are LGBTQ so this made me feel comfortable. My family has always been supportive and accepting of me which is something I’m extremely blessed and privileged to have. I’ve always found a discomfort in calling myself a Christian because for me, it’s very much about spirituality and an individual relationship with God than it is about the religion. People are what create the hatred that lives within religion because it is within them. So I absolutely agree with you in that it’s a personal journey that should never be influenced or controlled by anyone. One of the things that brings my fiancé and I so close is our shared beliefs on spirituality and what that means regardless of what religious book you’ve read. No one can take that away. We’ve had many talks since what happened and she won’t shy away from her beliefs even if in any right, no one would blame her because of how it’s being weaponized against her.
I’m sorry to hear you and your husband have also experienced similar pain from your families for being true to who you are as individuals. You both deserve to live a life surrounded only by love, peace and happiness; something they don’t bring you and that’s on them. That’s their loss!
To end off this long wall of a response(sorry!), I wanted to again thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate your kindness 💐
May life bring you everything good ✨