My friend died from cancer a month ago

I don't usually write anything anywhere ever but tonight it's pretty much killing me. I'm going to a therapist so I know I'm going through the emotions and not keeping anything inside, but it's so hard. I would do anything to have him back, I don't think I ever knew what pain was before this happened. And it's different from when I lost my grandparents, they were old, they lived they're life, he didn't have the same privilege. I know he fighted till the end, I know he would want me to keep going, and believe that he is in a better place, but I just wish I could have done something more. I wish I knew for sure that he is fine somewhere but I'm not that kind of person, I'm not a believer. I can only hope for something. I know with time it will get easier, it just *** sucks right now