Never really grieved
My mom died in 2014 at 74 and I feel I never had the chance to grieve her properly. I have 2 brothers and a sister and even though I am the youngest I had to bear everything for being there for her, funeral, support to siblings (they have their own issues), etc. Even after all these years I feel like I left something behind that didn’t help me get over things. Maybe as well the fact I never met the right person to be with and raise a family (now in long term relationship but too old for kids). I know mom would have been an amazing grandmother and many times I just feel I failed her as a son and couldn’t continue the legacy. My siblings too with their issues never had children….
Just wondering if anyone else had the same experience and what you did to help.
Hello @johnm1966, I’m really glad you reached out. I can hear how much you’ve been carrying for so many years, and it makes complete sense that you’re still feeling the weight of it now.
Losing a parent is already one of the hardest things a person can go through, but when you’re the one organising everything, supporting everyone else, and trying to hold the family together, it can leave very little space for your own grief. It’s like you went straight into responsibility mode and never got the chance to grieve your mom. It can be really difficult to process your grief when you are pushing through to be strong for everyone else.
It makes total sense why you would imagine the life your mom could have had (being a grandmother, seeing her children settled) and to feel sadness around the things that didn’t happen. But feeling that sadness doesn’t mean you failed her. She lived her life loving you, not expecting you to fulfil a checklist. The way you showed up for her, especially at the end, says far more about your relationship than any milestone ever could.
You’re welcome to keep talking here if you want to explore this more. Sometimes sharing the parts that were never spoken aloud can be a way of finally giving yourself the space you didn’t get back then.
Sending you hugs 💜
Emma
Thank you Emma I appreciate the kind words. What I am grateful for and do focus on is that I visited her in the hospital every day for the 3 months she was there. Was able to talk a lot about regrets and what I wished could have been but didn’t get too heavy as I didn’t want her to be saddened by my feelings. It is life and I cannot change it. I’m not a religious person but maybe there is something after this mortal coil and either we meet again or the cycle happens again.
