Nothing Like My Father

My Father is dying, well to be honest; he has been "dying" for a while now.

I don't even know where to start really? So forgive the random tangent I may go on from time to time.

I was 10 years old when my parents got divorced, and it was rough on both me and my 8 year old brother. My Dad didn't make it easy on either of us, he put us in the middle of a lot of custody issues and arguments between him and my mom. To give a frame of reference I have an everlasting memory of my father being terrible; My Mom initiated the divorce(she wasn't happy and I found out when I was older that my father was hitting her) and my dad decided to wake me and my brother up at 3am crying to us; "Mommy wants a divorce" yeah it was awful.... even now I can feel my heartbeat get faster just thinking about that night..... to a 10 year old that was heartbreaking to hear and a life changing moment in my childhood. The next morning my dad in all his great wisdom, showed me and my brother their wedding vows video and after the video was over he said; "Look Mommy broke a promise", us being 10 and 8 ran to our mother crying asking why she broke a promise.... I feel a terrible wave of guilt when I think about that moment. I know my Mom does not blame me for this, and technically I am not to blame for this at all; my dad knew what he was doing.

Fast forward to a couple years ago:

My father when he goes off his medication and goes into a depressive state, so he decides after 3 days of not eating or drinking to go to a bar and get wasted(oh yeah, he's an alcoholic). He ended up having a stroke in the bar, luckily the EMTs got to him pretty quickly and he was able to recover decently. However that didn't last long.....

Now in 2026: He is dying

Not because he is terminally ill, its because he has literally just given up on life. He won't he or drink, refusing all his medicine and he won't get out of bed to use the restroom. He just gave up...... I spoke to him for probably the last time last night, he looked dead in the eyes already; barely conscious enough to speak or wave, his face sunken inward I could see the outline of his skull. I was talking to a dead man, but he still said "I love you too". I felt no anger or resentment in that moment..... just sadness for what he had become.

Now I am struggling to find good memories of my father..... or were they just dreams? What if im terrified of becoming just like him? Dying sad and alone.

I will always have questions,

"Why weren't your kids enough?"

"Why did you choose the bottle over us time and time again?"

"Why can't you just say Sorry??"

Even with my resentment I still wish him a peaceful death but it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

Thanks for reading.

-AshleyJ