De-escalating Skills
I want to open up the discussion about what it means to be a group mod. In my mind, group mods are so much more than police officers just there to give out tickets. We're a team that helps keep the group support rooms safe, yes, but we're also here to help foster a sense of community and build the site as a whole. �
With that in mind, I'd like us to try and stretch our active listening and de-escalating �muscles a bit more. Of course we still need to keep the warning and mute system in mind, but here are some ideas for ways to try and de-escalate a tense situation before it gets to the point of warning:
When possible, Group Mods should offer two or three verbal warnings to users before clicking the 
Also, many new users may not yet be familiar with the rules. It�s important that we remind them of the Chatroom Rules located at the bottom of each room and clearly explain how our warning and mute system works.
When it comes to dealing with tough situations or de-escalating a room, your active listening skills and redirection are your best friends.
It�s also helpful to keep the population of the 7 Cups Community in mind. Many of us are living with mental health conditions or dealing with personal struggles. Remaining sensitive, empathetic and non-judgmental should always be in the forefront of our minds. We�re all here because we value peer support and we want to maintain that understanding culture even when modding.
That being said, we want to be clear with guidelines and boundaries.
Announce yourself when you enter the room. Remember that nobody likes a lurking Mod who is not participating in the room but is still giving out warnings.
Become very familiar with the Chatroom Rules and set firm boundaries with what is and is not allowed.
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Active Listening
Reflecting, summarizing and validating feelings (even with difficult users) will encourage users to continue to provide support and feel heard.
You�re acting as an objective mirror when you�re reflecting.
Don�t minimize their feelings. If they say that they�re angry because of x, y and z. You can reflect back that they�re angry. Saying they�re annoying or irritated may feel like you�re not acknowledging how they feel. No matter how they feel, their feelings are valid.
Ex: �It�s understandable that you would be upset after _____.
Ex: �Well said. It makes sense you would feel that way given your situation. Has anyone else experienced something similar?�
Ex: �I really like how you explained ____, that must have been challenging for you. Thank you for sharing.�
Ex: �It was really brave of you to open up and share your story with us.�
Reflecting feelings works really well if you then want to follow it up with a verbal warning. Also, helps to feel like you�re not brushing them off by just jumping in with a warning. Just a quick acknowledgment of their feelings before diving in with your suggestions can really help to de-escalate a user.
Ex: �I understand that you�re feeling really lonely right now, but remember that giving out your personal social media handle is not allowed here on this site.�
Ex: �I�m hearing that you�re really frustrated, but please don�t try and bypass the censors.�
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Redirecting
One of the easiest ways to redirect the conversation is to focus on another member who wishes to share. Highlight members who are positively contributing to the conversation and try to use them to leverage the conversation in a positive direction.
Sometimes it can be helpful to try a simple conversation starter or icebreaker, such as:
-Would anyone else like to share their story right now?
-How is everyone planning to spend the rest of their day?
-Would any of you like to share what�s on your mind?
-How is the weather where you are right now?
-What�s everyone�s favorite kind of food? (I think we all use this one a lot �
)
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Getting to know a room and the users who are active there can also be a tool in your toolbox. Build up trust in that room so when you arrive, users know you're not just there to police them. Become part of the group, join in on healthy conversations and build those relationships. When in doubt, find another mod to join you in the room. �
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Thoughts and feedback welcome. Add your favorite de-escalating tactic below. �
(moved by forum teen star @tami150)
As requested :D
Here's my feedback on the de-escalation post you made. I'm sorry if it's long (it shouldn't be haha).
I think it was really well written to start off with and I think practically everything that I could have thought of - though there are one or two things I want to add.
You've given an absolutely brilliant summary of the role of a moderator and how we can help our members better. We're not police and I find a lot of members (even moderators) do have that mentality of we are here as an authoritative police-like figure - when it shouldn't be. First and foremost, we are here to provide support. We're just also here to promote and maintain a supportive environment for everyone. I think it's worth addressing the issue (maybe in another meeting, though) of how we can help change this mentality - as Mod Hate is a real thing and it can be stressful for Group Mods to deal with.
When you say two or three verbal warnings first - absolutely. But I think it's worth noting that it's important to take context into account. As long as the room is aware you're there (as much as you can), depending on the situation - I personally feel that you may not need to give verbal warnings (in the instance of deliberate spam for example). Sometimes, though rarely, you may need to act before you speak verbally about what has occured. Though, as I say, verbal warnings are priority - though not always applicable. If that makes sense?
I also think boundaries are important, though I do think it isn't clear enough what these boundaries are from one mod to another and though it is down to the moderator ultimately, members may not know this.
I think with verbal warnings - an explanation of why the group member(s) is/are breaking rules should be given. A lot of the time I've noticed mods just going "stop breaking this rule" without any clear explanation. That can, and has, led to members becoming more distressed/more rules being broken. I find that when a mod is more empathic and sympathetic to what's going on, it can really help de-escalate a situation.
So, I think one thing (in addition to taking into account context) that could be added here is explanation. Why is what's been said/been deleted breaking the rules?
Instead of, "Please don't discuss specific names of meds/alcohol/drugs", we could say, "Let's all try not to mention specific names of meds/drugs/alcohol, as this can be triggering for some and we all want to provide a positive and supportive environment" etc. That can really help, I feel.
I think the section about active listening is perfect - Reflection and Validation is vital, we can also open it up to the group as well. Using one of your examples, I really like how you explained ____, that must have been challenging for you. Thank you for sharing. - we can add on, "Does anyone else want to share a similar experience today?" as this, depending on the situation, can really help build an inclusive and supportive environment.
And, again, redirecting - this is perfect. If a situation is bad and our Active Listening (reflection/validation etc) isn't working as we want, redirection is a great tool. I find that it's good to emphasise what the room is for - and then, as you say, focus on a member briefly who is reaching out - and then open it up to the group.
Again, sorry this is so long but I didn't want to just say "it's good" and not give my two cents. It's an absolutely fantastic post, and I think you made some amazing points, but I thought I'd add some extra thoughts in too.
Hope that's helped and is what you were after!! :D
@BugInARug YES! thank you. not too long. I appreciate it.
@Kate No problem at all - I hope it's helpful!
This is so helpful! Thank you!
I want to add that verbal warning before using the mod/delete button depends really on the context. users revealing accounts or giving out offsite contact details isn't something I would just leave with a verbal warning. there are users that very openly admit they do this on purpose. and even if they don't know it keeps everyone safe if that messages aren't left there. I think delete and explain would be a safer way to go.
@Kate what's your point of view?
@kindSoul10 Agreed. I think it depends on the situation. We can specify which circumstances need to be warned without giving the chance to verbally warn.
@kindSoul10 - I agree with this, and I touched on it in my post above.
I feel sometimes a verbal warning isn't always necessary, though imo it should always be a priority where applicable and similarly, as often as we can, we should give explanations as to why messages were deleted etc - it can help to de-escalate a situation and prevent any tension, discourse, or otherwise conflict.
This is helpful! When I received training on this system, when it was first implemented, the idea was that private warnings were less upsetting to people and less disruptive to conversation than open warnings in the room. So we were urged to send the private warnings without preliminary comment about violations.
I have sought to follow that training .... But it seems that getting a private warning upsets people when they haven't received a general warning about unsupportive posts or about inappropriate language.
I agree that positive comments and redirection are more constructive!