1978

Thanks jane i think you are right, and i hope you are having better luck at the world of employment..

My hope which is merely avoidance is to get back into college, lose weight, hopefully get insurance with the help of family and get my hernia repaired, keep the house in order and make some needed repairs, and learn to be so much calmer and happier around my mom, cause i know she isn't trying to aggravate me and i hate myself for getting so wound up so fast sometimes at her.

I don't have any plans for work, i just cant handle the anxiety of the process of applying right now.... it brings back so many horrible memories and i have such bias towards the hope of finding a good , honest, employer or manager who will treat me with kindness and respect.

I would gladly work for less than minimum wage if i could find at least a manager like that.

I feel like i am going to blow up sometimes like go wonky and slash my former managers tires and end up on the 6 o clock news, as nice as it would be to lash out like that , i just wont for all the right reasons, and even if i had the money an time i still wouldnt.

It is a sick feeling to want to honestly just die, but to still keep getting up day after day and feeling hopeless. More over I am Catholic, and a practicing one, and i haven't addressed my personal struggles with my faith, and the total resentment i have towards God the Father / ( one God three persons, i am fine with Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit it is the Father i got qualms with and to hear that is merely a reflection of issues i have with my dad i totally resent that )......

Anyhow, I just feel empty, and if my brother is just going to come home in March and he is going to do nothing but judge me, i am going to have distance myself from him while he is here just to avoid a literal fight/argument . An i have to be even more mindful as to not stress my parents out about my brother and sister coming home. I love em both but i really can't stand either of them for very long .

I just completed a puzzle i started around the middle of this past January 2016, finished it just now, 2/10/16, sceen is a young fox curled up against a log in a forrest.

An I am titling the Jack the Fox , after the boy ( whos' mother is a friend of the family) who picked out the puzzle.

750 pieces ! ( so glad it was not 1000 pieces )

feeling okay at the moment, i consider this a break from the pain and agony that is yet to come from depression and anxiety.

i did though have what should be considered a good day. i think i don't mind not being noticed on here, rather better at times to not be noticed. because i can just vent an let go, not worrying about what i have dealt with in the past online, self righteous, arrogant , and judgmental people, who think they have all the answers for everyone that comes across the screen.

I really want to rant an go into specifics but why.

Lent has begun, i am giving up a catholic website i was on because it isn't a healthy or productive one, it is a clique forum with highly self righteous individuals. An the most it was good for was stirring the pot. an i dont want to do that anymore.

anyone ever get a hard case of trolling on the internet ?

I don't mean being trolled, i mean doing the trolling. I sadly have fallen into that category, at times. Sometimes it is soft trolling just for laughs with people in a chat room ( not on here ) other times it is out of just needing to dump my problems my emotions on some poor shmuck that is easily offended.

It is something I hope to stop doing really. An just focus on being funny and sarcastic instead. in a good way.

A new day and a new beginning, i don't expect much today but I just hope that I can be happy for a little while.

I was trying to help my mom with extra income, she seems to get by good enough, but there are times more often than not when finances are strapped ,

i had suggested my mom consider a reverse mortgage, from what i have heard it is not some scam where the bank or mortgage company just screws a person over.

so i was looking into just finding out some basic information to give my mom to read and or consider at least educate her a bit on it, and out of the blue today she literally flips out on me an yells out I DONT WANT TO DO A REVERSE MORTGAGE, and im like wth !

so either 1 or 2 or both things happened she was either contemplating why I was bringing this up to her, and or never even really wanted to consider it but was just pandering me and it built up till she just blew up like that, or after an hour long convo with my nazi older sister today some where came up that i had mentioned it to her and my nazi sister turned into mecha barbra strisand and talked my mom out of even considering it.

It is a shame too because I didn't even get to do enough research to edcuate the both of us on it ,and now i do not even want to.

I think it could have helped both of us a lot as well, it would have financially provided for my moms well being and allowed me to make necessary repairs on the house as needed ( and the house is paid off mind you too ) and it could have been some financial help as well for helping me through some pre req courses coming up in the summer.

an i feel like i just hammered for even trying and then i become the jerk for not wanting to hear her reason for turning all the information down after she throws it out at me from out of left field in an aggressive manner. I am the jerk.

Yet all i can do is buck up, take it on the chin an get back up.

I am feeling hella shakey on the inside, kinda wondering if anyone has been reading my posts.... some acknowledgement would be nice...

Not feeling good, Tomorrow will be better.

I wish I had it in me to seek out real revenge on people, not physically on the person, more like shoving their car in a river,

I wish the Zombie Apocalypse was here already, or an asteroid was hurtling towards earth tomorrow.

Ty for the response, it would be nice, and maybe i have seen it on here, is if we have for threads, how many views it has,

but anyhow i cracked open my journal today not to re read anything since i wrote it. but just to vent and ramble. I have no idea what to do with it when i am finished.

May be some triggering stuff here so read at your own risk. Because i do wish i was dead at the moment.

I had a terrible verbal shouting match with my younger sister this evening in front of her two year old, it boiled up so fast to me just wanting to get that final kill strike in an so i called her a dumb B and boom game over. Nothing but sore eyes from crying and hearbreak now. An i don't know how or when to apologize but i do not think we will be speaking for a few days at least. As i am still not calmed down from this.

A lot of factors went into this before it even happened; all over babysitting my nephew. Simple enough except that i live with my mother who is not a spring chicken anymore, and so now i have to tend to my mom and watch a 2 yr old at the same time, to make it more complicated i am to supposed to let my mom tell me how to handle my nephew, with out reacting in any manner what so ever that might indicate any disagreement or my mom will have a fit from my reaction. AND I have to prep everything for my mom in advance so she can enjoy her time with him, and i got my own problems on top of all this.

The second i try to defuse a situation by walking away slowly, or doing breathing exercises, or not responding to what ever, my mother reacts twice as hard in her own way be it frustrated that i am not responding to her , or what ever. An so the internal stress builds on my end. An if i try to explain, she gets very upset, no matter how politely i explain, or she ignores what i am trying to say.

An my younger sister is now the same way !

I took the time to call my sister while she was out, to let her know things were getting rough at the house an to please come home sooner than later. She basically ignored me because time passed to almost 3 hrs. I could no longer tolerate my mother every 2 seconds telling my nephew to STOP, STOP, STOP. An i couldn't do anything because if i didn't do it her way it would just cause more dram. so i let it go. an let her have at it.

To not drag this on in a ramble too much longer, the point is my mom is too old to babysit, she can not physically keep up with a 2 year old, at all, and is very skiddish when the poor boy comes over, because the floors are too hard, and ther are too many things for him to climb, so more often than not she is saying NO, or STOP. An then since she cant run an do things i am to be the monkey an do what she cant, so i refuse and walk off. ( which he is fine or i wouldn't of left ).

But things turned south fast, when my mother fell on the floor because i was not there watching the two of them ! had i been able to let the water roll of my back like a duck does. I'd of been able to monitor my mom who was entertaining my nephew with some bubbles, but some how it collected or spilt on the floor and caused her to slip. Thusly i had enough and called my sister told her it is time to pick her boy up an explained what happened.

I tried to explain to my sister when she got here, and that was my mistake, i never waited for the convo she was having with my mom to end, but the truth came out fast on her end on what she was thinking.

I interupted ( mistake 1 ) an told her we cant baby sit any more ( some dialouge quickly took place rather heatedly at her pace ) and then the crux came out as she told me i am being melodramatic ( mistake 1 on her part ) . I should have ended it there being the bigger person but i fell, and failed miserably. What is even more insane is my mother played off her falling down too !

All i had to do was wait for my sister leave, say nothing, and the next time she called to ask if we could watch her boy, all i would have to do is say sorry i have diareha and mom is sleeping , we cant, an boom done. All she had to do was say hey give me a minute to let mom know what is going on an we can talk, an she didnt, all i had to do was back off at that point when she barked at me the first time and i didnt/

But she never once took me seriously at the fact that i called her a full hour an a half before hand telling her things were not good and that she needed to come home soon.

To then brush me off an tell me i am melodramatic was the worst thing she could have told me after i gave plenty clear warning that she didnt interprit. I lost control of my emotions at that point.

What ever leg i had to stand on died after that point.

An then a ton of emotions exploded after she left, i was sobbing from so many things, from what took place, from hurting my sister in retaliation , from not being able to control my emotions around my mom and tolerate her actions even when it drives me batty, to seeing how mentally weak i am, to realizing i need to get back on my anti depressant because i was fooling myself the entire time i was off it i have been miserable, trying to cope , to exploding to the fact that i really do not want to talk to my father any more, nor do i want to see my brother or older sister anymore and coming to terms that i might be losing my only sibling i got left.

I mean i will see my siblings again i know, but it will be terrible, emotionally an internally terrible, having to suck on a fake smile for as long as i can.

no help insight.

I am afraid, i wish i was dead, but i know i wont die any time soon, i want a better life for myself and i know it wont happen, i want to be a better son for my mom and not get so frustrated and to be able to hide my frustrated feelings from her better so she wont get upset or antogonize me.

i can't get any help from any where, and if i go for disability for depression, i would have such a long fight ahead, denials and appeals. I hope my sister will forgive and forget but i just don;t know,, and i dont know how to apologize or when i will be calm enough too.

I am not well.

Ty for the responses, i am just sitting here,

it is going to be a long night for me, i am so upset and ashamed of myself for cursing like that infront of my nephew i mean he wasnt paying attention but still, i dunno what is going to happen to me any more in life, and i can see what i really wanted at that time earlier tonight was for her to be like hey sorry yall had a bad time thanks for watching him while ya good, everything is fine ill let yall get going cause i can tell ya are stressed out, instead i got oh pft what eva you are just being melodramatic insert a neck roll an eye roll an add her saying its over drop it, an i was like hell no it isn't over.

Ya can't just walk in pee every where, declare yourself king of the hill and expect nothing to happen, but that isn't it, i failed miserably. I can't hack it as an adult with in my own family, there is no way in hell i am going to be able to hack it in the real world with a job full of people 1000 times worse on a daily basis.

All i can do is apologize to my sister for cursing at her infront of her son , but i hate myself more because i think i honestly low of her now.

my eyes are still sore from crying, i gota get help, i was frantically looking up getting disability for depression n found that is a major long shot, n i am just so scattered. An it is like i do and i dont want to apologize to my sister, i actually just want to apologize for saying it infront of her son, not so much for saying it in general.

she is just such a dingbat and inconsiderate.

an my sister and i love her, but now it is like it is coming to the point to where i really dont wana hang around her either. I already dont hang with my other siblings as they are off on their own, and my sister now, we never hang out cause of her baby , it is her permanent excuse to not do anything.

an i just hate my life, i hate me, and i can tell this flare up is going to take a few days if not weeks to cool off from. An after it is cooled off, i suppose i will try to apologize but i don't know if i will want to at the moment cause how do i say i am sorry for cursing infront of your son, with out it emphasising that i am not sorry for cursing at you.