1978

so 3/2 is right around the corner, a lil nervous cause i have to actually go to this lawfirm office to have this consultation, i get so damned flustered talking sometimes i hate it, hopefully wont be too bad, i suppose it wont.

i do feel better being on 7cups than i did on another " catholic " forum ( website ) you would think one would find a healthy support group on such a site, but nope. It was just fake over all, and i ended up feeling like i was falling more into trolling against people that were just annoying ; more often than not, instead of having meaningful conversations. so it is better to just let internet cliques have their own thing and not try to break in or conform to feel like one is apart of something.

I think i have tried too much n life to try an conform or fit in with groups of people or an idea of what is going to make others happy or approve of me to the point that i no longer know what i really want out of life let alone know how to achieve anything with out depending on the motivation of others or the approval of family.

I resent now so much an it sucks a lot. An I think mentally and socially i have reached a point of no return on being able to adapt to life that most people with out depression or anxiety; are able to handle in a what i consider rational way. They have a bad day, they go home, they find a friend or loved one to vent too, and then unwind and don't stress out about if it will happen again tomorrow.

I suffer from The Good Guy syndrome , the worst possible way to be i think, it is where everyone around me sees the good in me an compliments me on me just being a great or good guy, yet that is all I get, talk. Things never progress more than compliments, and I know that most of that reason is due to a lack of self confidence and fear of so much that can go wrong.

I am at a point in life where i just want to be a hermit, with minimal contact with the outside world.

If I can get disability benefits, I think I am ready for another companion dog, the pain of losing both my dogs was rather intense but I needed them more than they needed me i think. An it would be nice to have a dog of my choosing for once that I got to name on my own. An get some kinda vest for him to wear so i can take him out in public, as a service dog.

I do wish that i had , the courage back in the army and the foresight to see what i was going through was not good and very dangerous , and to have sought professional help at the time through the military, to have built up a solid medical record, because had i of done that, i know for a fact that i would have qualified for benefits from the military. Too late now. I am just blessed i got out alive an not addicited to drugs or worse. I saw plenty of decent guys come in that just fell apart in a matter of months and i saw plenty of worthless guys only get worse as well and would make your stomach turn to just think that there are more in the army out there, being depended on to fight for whom ever when ever. When they probably belong behind bars or at the very least kicked out of the army.

i kind of feel like this thread is becoming a personal experience for cyci, and i never intended it to be something for a child to really be involved in. I kind of wish that 7cups had a section of threads for adults only, kind of like with listeners.

There is no polite way to tell someone to just leave you alone when they have meant no harm. But hopefully this gets my message across.

Is there anyone on here who has any insight for me on anything, my issue with my sister has resolved, I just kind of wonder if this is all just drama for who ever, or what and i am considering just abandoning this thread and letting it get buried.

Well I am taking a suggestion to seek vocational rehabilitation , supposedly they help those with depression to find gainful employment. Though if it is not a low stress job I do not see myself being employed ever again, and on top of coworkers, basically if there is a scum bag i have to work with, forget it i am not doing it, because chances are one day i would just snap and end up a statistic of work place violence; which no one seems to dig deeper into that subject of why it takes place and i suspect it is because who ever does such inquiries already knows it is due to poor an or cruel management teams.

The program also will do one of those career assesment things i think and they offer limited free session with a psychologist, medical evaluations etc. At least if i try this one of two things will happen i will either become gainfully employed , or I will have enough evidence to procede with a disability claim. An it isn't that i want disabilty but just some stability in life.

I need to get some more art supplies.

anyone here know how to get a book published ? ( not that anyone is actually paying attention to me but in the off chance )

So I was suggested to write a book about my experiences thus far in my life, an it could be interesting to some, but with a point to doing it or a direction i don't know why I should take the idea serious. I kind of imgaine a time line from 1978 to now, a general synopsis of what was going on 1978 to moving into the beginnings of what would become the downfall of my life starting with going through my parents divorce to childhood bullying ( the difference between then an now and the difference between actual harmful childhood bullying and typical child conflict which leads to good character building for the future ) harmful childhood teachers in a private school, entering into the gradual unknowing building and growth of depression in highschool and becoming a loner, entering into the army in 97 and the further destruction of my health and well being to getting out and becoming so lost as to what to do next in life in 2000 struggling to figure that out in college and some harmful relationships that i for what ever reason persude in highschool, again in the army , in college, and the mistakes of internet " dating / relationships ", then lets see another life changing moment was a job i held with a horrible manager and how that in turn moved me to focus on a religious life, the failings at that to being accepted into a monastery and to the eventual downfall of that journey....

A rather big book that would be, but why write it ? Who would really care, unless the purpose is to just be a theraputic thing for myself to just say i wrote a book and shelf it to then eventually destroy it before i die so no one in my family stumbles upon it. Versus having it published and going hey look my messed up life is finally making me some money.

Well if you are here keeping tabs, are over 18 and want to drop me a line on my thread, feel free.

Todays' plans, yard work, which i have procrasted too long this morning and will be lucky if i get 7 giant piles of leaves picked up today, so i will breaking out the 50 gallon bags and filling them to the brim, thankfully, leaves don't weigh terribly much in a 50 gal bag, but you would be surprised, there is some humph in em.

I think the upvotes thing on the front of the thread is how to tell who has noticed ones thread. took me a minute to realise that , so if i just see that to continue to increase I will be more inclined to post more often.

I have some ideas for crafting, well i have some knowledge on how to make soap, the thing is supplies are not free, so yeah. I hope to one day have a decent shop going on ETSY but then that means looking into internet taxation and yada yada in regards to taxes.

So many issues i got going on and all i want is some decent help, stability, maybe a dog companion again now that after like 3-4 years have passed since my other companions passed that the loss of them has ceased to be so painful and has come to be more joyful memories. I wouldn't mind being married either.

Thing is I would have to personally get over the bullshit that my parents and siblings would put me through in having a serious female in my life. My mom would dread the loss of me moving on in my life and have to adjust to that, my dad would continue to find ways to purposefully embarress me and make jackassery comments, my siblings would just be like what ever.... That is me superimposing upon my siblings , my parents not so much so. I purposefully have not dated for a few reasons sadly two of which are because of my parents, especially my dad and his wife. I can only hope his wife dies before he does.

Tip for today, do not engage with internet trolls.

So sad that in todays world not many see how harmful internet trolling can be, especially to young people. As adults internet trolls graduate to the level in some cases of actually committing real crimes that seem harmless due to the assumption that what ever is said online either can't be traced back to the one who started it or who knows.

Anyways.

Brother comes home today, should be nice. Weather is great. Turns out i do have a real friend who is smoking hott. sucks that she is married, sucks that i dont have my stuff together. meh. Nice to talk to her though. Being funny has its' advantages but being stuck with the nice guy syndrome doesn't help.

Did i mention that when i went into the vocational rehabilitation office that the secretary was really rude, she made the smart arse comment to me of, you should look at what the website has to offer so when you come in for orientation you are not asking a bunch of random questions instead of just coming in and blah blah blah, she probably meant well,an i am paraphrasing but now she is stuck in my craw, she didn't let me speak when i came in and cut me off abruptly to what i was trying to say and all i could do was bite my tongue from lashing out, it was as if coming in, with now physical disability must obviously mean i do not have any problems what so ever and what ever.

okay well hope an asteroid destroys the planet in the next 5 minutes cause i don't really want to live anymore and i dont wana watch my family die off and i don't like my life.

im still not doing well.

my niece is a delight, it is hard being around my family and constantly being sad.

i tried some breathing exercises today it might have helped a little.

i don't wana keep on doing this. an i dont have very many choices left, i doubt vocational rehab will be able to help me at all.

I might need to find another law firm to figure out disability.

So i was having an okay day today, what threw me off, and i think what stuck with me anxiety wize is the neighbor across from me. Rather my neighbors son who is probably around my age. A year or so back at about 930 pm i had to call the cops on the tough guy cause his girlfriend was screaming at the top of her lungs in their front yard, i came out in time to see him approaching her with his hands forward and open in a manner as if he was going to grab her.. I yelled that i was going to call the cops and a minor altercation of words continued between us. I went back inside, called the cops and things for me were excrutiatingly tense and my anxiety jacked up for weeks on end wondering about retaliation from this guy, nothing more ever happened than glances across the street, but i havent seen the guy in 6 mnths since i been back an today i saw him, an i am pretty sure we made eye contact an i didn't like it, i wanted to pop off at him but there was no cause too, i felt like he was some how mocking me in the way he was walking but i think now i am over imagining things.

I think this event that took place between us is now a part or a fraction of my ptsd.

I hate it.

I really do wish i was gainfully employed to a level that i could pick me n my mom up n move at least to a better part of town.

You know what sucks with my anxiety, is awhile back me n my brother took our mom to a shooting range, and when i picked up the gun i could feel myself having a mini panic attack, my anxiety got bad and i had to calm myself down, not only that , but i hated the entire experience, this i find odd after being in the army and firing and handling plenty of various caliber weapons. Though i was 18 at the time and everything then was a game.

I don't have that same feeling towards guns anymore, of wow this is awesome. I feel really useless with my anxiety that if I had to use a gun I wouldn't be able to any more because of my anxiety and i would probably miss what ever my target was.

In a way that knowledge does make me feel weaker as a man. An so i either need to one day regain my confidence with firearms, or get use to handling some other form of weapon. Probably a crossbow or bow of some sort.

I am doing okay, but i am really not doing okay mentally, inside i feel totally crushed and worthless, this isn't getting better for me at all.

I really hope vocational rehab can help me and not just toss me aside since i do not have a physical disability, they do consider depression an anxiety a disability but for some reason i got a feeling this just will not work for me. That i am just going to see a therapist who is going to yank my chain tell me everything is okay and that i can make it in life, which i mean come on, reality check. I look around, I see what I have done with my life, and I have done so so much, it is very true, but all i have done is tried so many things, i have only completed / accomplished maybe two major things in life. How can i really say that with my depression and anxiety i can function in work force ? Exactly someone tell me what job is out there for people like myself who need a low key job, which means minimal managment and minimal interaction with the public if any. An scratch manual labor out cause i cant do that anymore.

Another week come n gone, I feel rather empty inside all the time, constantly lonely. An I am suposed to believe that being employed will help me " feel better " ? To socialize with coworkers who probably wont really care about me, and there i go into negative self talk. I really dunno what to do I mean vocational rehabilitation the process is beyond slow to have to wait for a determination if they can help me and provide me any services to what find out in 3 months that i dont qualify in their opinion.Or that I do qualify and then what ? I guess slowly make my way back into society to a level i can tolerate, start saving what lil money i will be making the rest of my life, and maybe fart around with my art work that my dad made sure long ago to point out that i can not make a living at and mocked me for wanting to be a thriving artist.

Not to mention he said he flat out gave up , he said he is too old and all this other heart wrenching stuff... which i mean i can understand to a point, but basically he hasn't been able to help me with anything other than words. I never really felt loved by my dad and that is horribly sad.

IT is sucky to know your pop loves ya, in his own way, which isn't what you need, but it is what ya got.

I keep holding on to my faith as a Catholic too, I find it cruel though, just as cruel to know that God loves me, yet the only help I can get is that motivational speach my dad gives me time an again. An i do corrolate the two I know both God and my Dad are good and do love me in their own ways, that each of them want the best for me, but in the end will only go so far, where as God is some how limited to only spiritually helping people, and i find that beyond aggravating and irritating .

I guess if there is such a thing as a self hating Jew, then I must be a self hating Catholic.

I am so glad I am not on any catholic forums anymore. talk about pretencious, self righteous , blow hards.

Whatever man.

I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, other than a solider in the Army, to have a great career in the army, and those dreams were dashed to bits by the most horrible people on this earth. An with lack of support from inside an outside my unit, i didn't stand a chance at having that career, though truth be told, i was hoping to just end up dieing on some battle field some where in a combat zone and having that government check go to my family, and to be remembered as at least someone who tried instead of the person with depression that was eating him away.