1978

I had such a disappointing time with this monastery i lived at for 6 months, I hoped it was my path in life, and it may be at a later date... In the end i realized I needed my family, and that my mom still needs my support on getting by day to day. I am though disapointed that the monastery that I chose was so two faced. Everything that one would expect a Catholic monastery to be, these guys were not that , and it hurt me to find that out after I joined. They were very welcoming at first, and put on a good show of how things should be, but after I got in, the gloves came off, i was expected to basically be a butler to the elderly ( which i don't mind helping when i can, but becoming a slave is not what i signed up for especially for those elderly who are more than able in body to take care of themselves and clean up after themselves ); The " rules " which are pretty self explanetory were not being practiced by the senior monks nor the abbot ( who is the elected leader ) yet I was expected to some how know and learn ever rule there was, and follow it, with out them having to follow their own rules, and not explaining to me as a new person the little nuances that they take for granted and then took the time to scold me when I didn't do something that they knew for ever and their answer was, oh you will learn in time, and my reply wanted to be, um how about telling me now or having a handbook for me to read so i dont have to wait to be scolded.

Fake also, the guys would act like they were interested in me, but never asked me about anything personal, or tried to get to know me, one mistake i made was going out of my way to befriend someone whom told me off the bat he prefered to be left alone , but i forgot that, and it ended up biting me n the ass, cause after i learned the hard way that he was only interested in small talk, i found that to be so fake, like the times we were expected to talk, and socialize he would pretend to give a damn an i knew it was just small talk, then came a point to where it was obvious i was done with his bs an he left me alone, but i saw the same thing with new guests, he would give the same thing i was given by the rest of the guys, a false sense of welcoming and being interested, just being polite really was all and having cliche dialouge that was beyond empty, an i wanted to chime in with, don't expect this level of curtosy when you enter because he is not interested in this level of chit chat on a day to day basis. An i mean granted i probably rubbed the guy the wrong way for some reason but still. It was just obvious that the curtosy was fake to guests and was to me as well as a guest.

They were a bit shocked when I left, but really should not have been, one superior made all the effort in the world to be rude to me when ever i had a question, and he was lucky i didnt curse him out.

anyhow I am sure there are real monasterys out there, that surly have their own problems but i doubt are so far off course as what i experienced, but my problem is im not getting any younger, and i am so tired of disapointment and being let down that i just dont want to try anymore. An i am struggling to continue to try for a better and happy life.

I dont know how much longer I can keep going.

I was really blessed today, i was dreading having brother n his fam over with my older sis n her fam, and for what ever reason they both bailed out for dinner tonight an just left me with my original plans of having a nice dinner with my lil sis n her fam n our mom !

My jaws are soar from clinching all day due to stress. Days are getting closer to my appt on the 24th for voc rehab and i hope they dont just blow me off. I hope i find some real help.

Hope everyone here is finding some hope and help as well. An just remember dont feed the trolls that occasionally pop in.

Well ST. Patricks day and my sisters bday, utter anxiety chaos, everyone is having a good time from what i can tell, but i honestly do not enjoy it and look forward to everyone leaving.

I have so much cleaning to do after they all leave, mainly vacuum and mop the floors due to dogs coming in an out and slobbering everywhere.

I want to sit back n relax and i just cant.

Well my sister is done with her visit, it was nice, but i think i am more sad that i couldnt really be happy, not out of anger towards her but my depression an anxiety, waiting for something bad to happen and avoiding everyone as much as i could so i could calm down enough to enjoy a meal with them..... it is all so messed up.

I need better people in my life to help me along, and I am just afraid of everything.

the nights are horrible, always are for me, constantly thinking, about things i have done that have hurt people or my siblings growing up, not always but occasionally, other times i am alone at night worrying about my future. An I dunno.

I feel terribly alone. An the only answer I have is to get back out into the world; and I just don't want to. I don't want to deal with it anymore the ups n downs the conflicts the mistakes. The apologies.

I just want to be happy.

I am up such a creek it isn't even funny. The 24th is around the corner and it has been too long of a wait for vocational rehab to begin that process for help. I don't want to be alone forever but i feel like i will be. I hope i can change to a more sociable confident guy, i have never really been one and had to resort to drinking to be socialable . I cant drink like that anymore.

My age is catching up with my feelings and just compounding the situation.

I need a break from myself,

i doubt it but i might try to draw or paint something soon.

I need tools for my wood crafting but they are in need of repair.

3/24/16

I made it to my apt for vocational rehabilitation today, and i mean barely made it. My morning was starting off very good, going through my morning routine, having some coffee and watching my show ( personal space time ) and then my mom got up and all i could think was oh shit here we go, what is it going to be. I get on the defensive when she gets up too early and i am up starting my day, because it usually means she is stressed out, couldn't sleep, and now needs my attention. An to make things even more chaotic , if i do not sit perfectly still and continue doing what ever it is i am doing, she gets upset with me for leaving. So now she ends up creeping around the damn house at what ever time in the morning you wish to choose as an example, trying to give me my space when it is obvious she is trying to make any noise.

an thus my stress gets jacked up extra high because i know she is trying to not disturb me.

It aggravates me now that I can not have any emotions of being upset or angry around my mom because it gets her upset when she feels like i am aggravated at her, and sometimes i am fairly aggravated, but now i cant even have that emotion around her. I have to keep the peace at all times or i am the jerk.

simple answer is to just move out, but it isn't that easy.

I almost tossed this entire appointment out the door , because my morning routine got all F.d up. And then i get home, and there is mom in the kitchen waiting on me ! now confused as to when my appointment was and thinking i had gone off on some other task instead. I just politley as i could ignored her and went here instead to vent.

It is bloody neurotic and i can promise you now, my mom is either oblivious to how she is driving me up the bloody wall right now because her routine of sleeping at all odd hours of the morning and night ( which mind you never happens unless i have an appointment to do something or she has one because she wants to make sure neither of us is late and she feels like she has to make sure i get to where i need to be sometimes ) interrupted my routine and caused me undo stress. I am not saying she shouldn't do what ever is she wants to do in the morning or when ever, I am saying though that we each have our respective routines we each need our space, and i am not going to set up demands and draw a line in the sand and say dont do this or that when i am doing whatever. What i am saying is I don't feel i should have to put on a smile and cater to my mom and have a bloody conversation about anything first thing in the morning or even after what ever it is i am doing , in the morning or any time of day, if i am feeling stressed out, and i don't feel she should penalize me with guilt, nor do i feel like she should be the one to get hurt over me not wanting to talk when she wants to.

An so in order to keep the peace, i cant even say this much to her as it would still not register and only cause more problems.

I just ignore and act stupid now like i didnt hear her, and that seems to work and try not to go off in a huff.

The old me would have erupted, to the point it would have become an arguement of why in the world today of all days are you up so early, when every day before now you sleep in until at least 11-12 am and then go creeping in an out of the computer room, and forget it i am not going to my appointment now, i am going to reschedule it for another day, which guess what might take another 3 weeks to get, and then when that day comes again to do all over, leave me alone, dont get up early and i will let you know what is going on when i feel like it.

and that arguement would have taken at least another 3 days to get over.

But instead i took it, and i guess that is the right thing, all it cost me was some jaw clinching and now pain in my jaws and more stress and anxiety, and now my mom has peacefully returned to her room, after having her morning routine, and probably after realizing i am not coming back out to have a conversation of what took place just now at my appointment.

I will clue her in later this evening .

This is the chaos that i go through internally caused by my depression and anxiety and own insecurities own self imposed problems where none really exist , I am just grateful i did not cause a giant problem with my mom.

As for the appointment it was actually one of the best orientation classes i have ever been to, very well put together and to the point, the lady who was hosting answered so many questions that i guess are typical for them, typical for people to ask , and it was basically to see one if you show up, two to answer these basic questions, and three to get your real appointment set with your case worker.

so i got that one on one appointment on the 12th of April.

It looks promising but it aint over.

Been awhile, mine as well bridge the gap with the important stuff which is my uncle passed away today at 6pm. He suffered from a stroke and was recovering and it was up and down the entire way, I was at mass today, 5:30 pm, and got a call later after i got home, my dad called fairly hysterical and said that my uncle passed away at 6pm. So he literally passed away while I was at mass praying for him and my dad....

I think I am more saddened by the pain my pop is going through rather than the passing of my uncle. Knowing I can't comfort my dad, and wishing I could. All I can do now is hang tight and wait for a very painful funeral to take place.

I think if anything I am more frustrated that my uncle went out this way due to a stroke and just not from old age....

And of all things I do this evening on here on 7 cups I finished the preliminary training to be a listener.... and i know what i have already written here i don't need to thumb through it, just makes me wonder like who in the world or if anyone would ever want to have me as a listener and can I be something to someone out there. I have browsed other listeners profiles, a few have guidelines on contacting them, and it is odd at times i find. Guidelines for contacting them as a mentor or just as a member looking for a listener, some of you may have seen something similar, example.... " i am not taking any new members at this time " .... when i see postings like that in a profile, it makes me wonder, if the listener is charging people a fee, is some professional psychologist, or what, why post it.

im sure people have a response, ones that make sense, i am just saying to me , it would be easier to just not accept the dialouge instead of posting a apb that reads not accepting new members. ( On a Free Website )

mini rant.

i wish i could have been there for my aunt and uncle, but they live in another state, and i just dont have the funds to travel, i might be able to go to the funeral. we shall see.