1978

i made it through the night, tried calling my sister this morning, she didn't pick up, not surprised.

Don't know if this one can be fixed, still feel worthless, called doc to get back on anti depressant medication that apt is monday, got enough to get through till then... im not going to make it though in general. but i have to keep trying for my mom.

been a long painful day of regret, i reached out to her an she ignored me, so now all i can do is wait for her to heal up enough to hopefully accept my apology, and i hope she does soon so our mother can see her grandson.

I am over all a terrible and worthless person.

i dont want to do this anymore.

well i found out through my mom that my sister isn't read to talk to me yet, and i don't blame her.

it has been an entire day since the incident, and i still feel horrible, all i can do is hope an pray that in time things get better. I appreciate the replies, and very true that some people just don't mix, that is for sure with my brother and older sister, and they are coming back to visit for like two weeks or so, an it will be taxing on me to keep things together emotionally, my younger sis n i, we use to get along really well, an i could usually tolerate her bs, an things were just poorly timed over all......

I keep trying to believe that my life will get better.

It just feels really useless though.

at what point, as an adult do people say okay my depression and anxiety is now a real disability ?

I feel i am coming to that point. I can no longer handle the stress of regular things it seems and i loath and have anxiety to a plethora of issues.

I have taken a pyschological test on my own dime at one point and it is still on file, i think this could be helpful as evidence as to a disability but i wonder if there are more tests that i can take to help build a case for me.

I don't think i can do this on my own anymore and need some kind of safety net to just know i am going to survive with some sort of respectable comfort. An i dunno.

Ty for your concern cyci, i'd love to be a teenager again just so i didn't have so much responsibilty now as an adult, friggin life slips by so damnd fast it is insane.

as for people to talk to, psychologists, other adults, not many can relate, and not many can handle the heap of turmoil i feel constantly. Let alone motivate me enough to change my life the way it needs to go.

anyhow

just general entry now,

still no word from my sister. an i might have burned a bridge with out trying and it might take years to rebuild which i mean at this point in time i dunno how nor feel like i got it in me to even try or care anymore. I can't spend the rest of my life apologizing and begging for forgiveness. But i probably will i do just that in so many other ways.

I did try contacting a law firm via email, in regards to disability, i just don't see how my anxiety and depression can lessen to a degree that will allow me to not be so paralyzed by the idea alone of having to face people in a work environment, the conflicts that ensue from work places be it manual labor or other wise, it is too much to even think about that i shut it out.

It is kind of coming to the point of, exactly how bad off do i have to be to get help, do i literally have to get the to the point of not being able to care for myself or worse ?

An i keep holding on to hope for what.

incase anyone is keeping tabs on me, me an my sis are all patched up now. It was painful going through that and I ended up screwing myself up more mentally over it.

I am looking into disability for depression, as i am not functioning anymore in life, i have basically given up looking for work, i gave up hope for a better life an i am just doing the best i can to stay alive. Back on my medication, but it is sad that i have to stay on it. I wanted to be whole again but i have so many issues.

i think ima have to take an anxiety pill soon cause i feel myself getting jacked up.

i am thinking about asking my dad to purchase a tread mill for me my mom would be able to get use out of it as well, i hate walking in my neighborhood now, too many memories come flooding back when i do and it isn't the same as when i was a kid.

I need help. Is there anyway I can listen to teens instead of adults? How do I change that? I feel I can't relate as well to adults. AND is it okay to deny personal requests?? Please help

ty for keeping tabs on me cyci it's just nice to know someone out there is interested , and i can related to you relating to older people, most of the people in my life i get along with better are those in their 50s'60s realy ( real life that is ) meaning i would be comfortable talking to and listening too ( IRL ) not so much hanging out with as friends but still in all.

online i am like what ever, which can be dangerous cause i end up with friendships sometimes that are questionable and then i end up going great now i gota let this person go.

anyhow.........

oh so another update, i did look into a disabilty claim and i go in for a consultation Free ( woo hoo something free to do !~ ) next week, so should be interesting, it will be nice to get out of the house for a while anyhow.

Things still hurt. An the pain never really goes away it just comes n goes an i take the rest from it all when i can and move when things dont hurt.

My problem is how to function in a working atmosphere where I don't fall to pieces when someone belittles me, or get so offended i want to fly off the handle at a bad manager.

my doc suggested to write a book on my experiences... i think he has a decent thought.... but how to put it together,

i have been through a lot, from childhood, through my time in the army, through recently 6 months in a monastery, to now and i don't know what to make of my life anymore or think of it. I do know that my opinions on the Church would aggravate those hardlined with the Church, but i figure why sugar coat anything anymore....

I am not too hot to trot to write a book at the moment but it is making me think, and i just can't see who can benefit from my story in general or what.

when i mentioned the Church i was referencing the Roman Catholic Church.

I had actually lived in a Catholic monastery for about 6mnths and left after seeing how things really were there. One would think such an experience would be really uplifting, but after about a month i realized it wasn't a good monastery, that coupled with my experiences as a life long Catholic, i think i can offer a more honest opinion of an actual encounter in faith is like and those struggles, versus those clergy, religious, theologians and church militants who tow a very hard headed die hard view that their self righteous views and opinions are the only ones that matter in regards to faith.

Any how.

maybe this is turning into a book,,, something i can copy or rather insert as a link to go to this website to read more about my life if i compose a hard paper book.

my anxiety is shooting all over sometimes.... Today was an interesting day at the grocery store, a guy in his early to mid 40s chased down some employee who must have been twice as young as he was, cursing him, calling him a home wrecker an said he slept with his wife, yelling all this as loud as he could, causing a scene... it sounds funny , but was rather intimidating at the time as the guy was obviously itching for a fight and had the younger kid not have ran into the area behind the store for emplyoees he might have had a real problem. But the guy who was screaming really just made himself look like a fool, and it is sad over all. The most i did was alert the store manager who was just as baffled as the customers on what to do ( even after i said he might want to call the police as said guy is threatening his employee ) .

over all, i am not doing well. I go in for a counseling session next week in regards to disabilty , if i have enough tax credits will be the issue i think, though i have worked off an on all my life since i was a teenager. I just do not feel mentally stable anymore and i need to try and protect myself for the future and continue to provide support for my mom the best i can while i can and am still able.

Back to the book thing, i could break my life up into separate books, i think i could easily write a small book or make one book into say 20 chapters, 5 chapters just on my time in the military. anyhow

venting is over.