4/19/17

I'm starting to look at myself differently. I no longer see myself as a weirdo, or a freak, or that there is something wrong with me. I've learned to just accept who I am and move on.

It's a liberating feeling, but sometimes I still have my doubts about this world. I hate how our society seems to slap labels on literally everything. If someone differs from them...BAM! Let me slap a label on your forehead for you. That way we can tell you apart from the rest of us. You know, cause you don't do things 100% our way?

I'm not a rebel. I'm not an anarchist. I just get tired of seeing everyone push each other away because we differ from one another. And I'd be a hypocrite if I haven't done it multiple times. I recently repaired a friendship because of that very reason. It just....it just drains the energy out of you. I hope one day we can just look at each other as fellow humans rather than labels. But, hell, I still struggle with that to this very day.

I've left the NoFap community for good. It's not like it's completely evil. But I've seen some attitudes displayed towards others that I don't care to see again. Disparaging others because they have human urges. Becuase they differ from the rest. Labeling people as *porn addicts* and telling them they need to do this and that to "get better" and "live life again". I've just accepted that my self control is a little lacking and I have a really high sex drive. I'm not an addict, for fucks sake. I can live without it. I don't do it every waking moment. I don't go into withdrawl if I don't get it.

On a more positive note, school seems much more berable than it used to be. I can't say I completely enjoy it. I still loathe tests, homework, studying, etc. But it's not as difficult, not as energy draining as it used to be. I'm confident that I can get my AAS and finish now.

I've also met a girl that I get along with really well. I don't get to see her that often, but I do want to be with her and get to know her better. She reminds me so much of my sister that it's uncanny to a fault.

I guess I just want to make my own rules and my own standard of living. I don't want a bachelor's degree. I don't want a family. I don't want to get married. I don't want my career to be my life's work and ambition. Hell, I don't even want a life's work or ambition. I just want to go through each day with the best I can get out of it, and respect those that I pass on the street. I don't want a plan now. I just want to draw my life one line segment at a time. WIth no rush.

I hate being rushed.