A chat with Hope
@imsorryitry I wanted to make this thread for us to talk easier, since feed posts are a bit tricky and limited 
I also wanted to try to help you find some more resources for you.
One thing I want to emphasize is that I really doubt you could get arrested for being suicidal. The most the police would do is hand you over to a hospital. But there's nothing 'arrest' worthy about it, there's no reason (or benefit) to send someone to jail.
Also, your therapist is supposed to help you through all of this, and sometimes she needs to full story in order to do that. If she doesn't know how bad things are for you right now, she might not be doing the right things to help. I know it's scary, especially when your family might find out, but sometimes telling people how you really feel is the best thing to do. It sounds like pretending to be okay hasn't really been helping lately, so it couldn't hurt to try being honest instead. If you're not okay, then you're just not okay, and you deserve to have help for that.
Recovery and overcoming suicidal thoughts is not an easy journey, sometimes you have to do some difficult or scary things for your own benefit, like opening up, like standing up for yourself and demanding people take you seriously and get the help you want, and just not giving up no matter what. But you know what, it's worth that fight. And you're worth the fight!
It will be okay, Hope! You can make it through this 
You have your therapist, your school social worker, your friends, the listeners on here, the crisis lines, everyone is here to talk with you and to support you, you're not alone in this!
In case you don't have them, here are some resources for you:
-Mindfulness exercises (to help be calm and to relax)
-Guided imagery/meditation (also to help with being calm and to focus on positive things--so many more on youtube you can look for)
-Progressive Muscle Relaxation (also for calming down)
-Suicide hotlines: One site, Another site
-You can email the Samaritans, any time, no matter where you are, you can say anything you want and as much as you want, and someone will reply to you within the same day
Also remember:
-try not to be alone, go outside, stay with friends or people you trust, if you can
-do things that you enjoy and that make you happy (such as reading, writing, poetry, art, running, a warm bath, listening to music, etc)--try to keep a positive focus
-if you have a pet, spend time with them. If not, try going to a dog park, or visiting an animal shelter
-write a story about the life you would want if you could have any life you wanted, what would your happiest life look like?
-every time you hear a negative thought in your head, try saying the exact opposite, the most positive alternative you can think of. Say it in your head or say it out loud or write it down a hundred times!
@TaranWanderer
i love you alot just saying this made my day seeing this ... i really am struggling my brother is getting charged with manslaughter and it hurts because everyone is like saying itll be ok then my brother says itll be ok but i know it wont he is my rock and he is my world and i never wanted this ever for him he is so amazing he was just in the wrong place in the wrong time with the stupid ex he has... he is amazing i love him so much. it makes me so suicidal that i may not see him i think if i cant see him or talk why even be alive honestly. i just wish it was over but its not and he may be in prison for maybe 17 years ... i think of his son even tho he doesnt see him i know he wont have him and i know damn well that his mom wont let him see him now because he hurt someone badly but i love that little guy i havent seen him since he was 9 months old and he is maybe 3 now... my brother isnt like that. plus it feels like its a test for me to see if ill break and i gotta admit i broke and im down its not going to get better i know that i can remeber my brother coming to see me when i was in a hospital for suicide attempts and he loved me but his stupid ex mary was there and did all this stuff that was bad with him ....she did drugs and sold drugs and i want to say something to the police about what she does like karma but it wont work like that...because im not like that (right now). i cant predict what ill do in the next 10 minutes tbh. he promised me he will enver leave and he is gone for a while what will i do with him gone. have no one that is it. i really want some help but if i ask they will say no (community mental health) and say you just want to go back to the hospital but that isnt it i want to be with other people that is getting better and not like the people at the hospital that freak out and everyone is terrible i want to go so i have people i can connect with and get help with people my age and have others to talk to and stay on track while be watching because i dont trust myself... i know they will say no we are not paying for anything like that and there is nothing like that. i just want to have people that i can talk to my age that has problems but be with them and have help at the same time like a residential but the one i was at a long time ago was for like run aways and i dont run away. i think it would be good to get away.. honestly im proud of myself rn because i have not hurt myself or attmepted in the last 2 days... i keep thinking that i have a few weeks before im gone and on the 20th is when my grandma passed 2 years ago and it hurts i was in the hospital around this time in 2016. i try to not think about anything but it doesnt work it always brings me back to my pain with my brother and grandma ... i try coping skills like distracting and stuff in my dbt book (therapy) and it doesnt work i just want it to be ok and i know it wont.. like can i please just have some help what do i do buddy . can you help me somehow like maybe give me advice i know that isnt aloud i think but please for me help me with what i could do like with everything and your amazing just saying
@imsorryitry aw Hope, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, he sounds really important to you and it makes sense that it's hard to not be able to see him! But you know, depending where you live, you may still be able to go visit him, and call him, write him letters, even if he goes to prison. And, there's always the possibility that he'll get a shorter sentence, because if he really is as good of a person as you say, and it was just his ex who was a bad influence, then I'm sure he will have good behaviour and that can mean being in for a shorter time! Going to prison is not going to be the end of the world, your brother is still there and he still cares about you and his family. Think, every person who is in jail has people who love them so much and miss them a lot, and they're all still holding on, waiting to see them again 
He's not gone forever, will be able to get out at some point, and hopefully being away from his ex will be a good influence. He says it will be okay, so I would believe him! Let's give him something to really look forward to when he gets out: a wonderful sister!
About the community mental health, it's too bad that they may not offer help, that sounds like the opposite of their job! Do you think you could talk to your therapist (or the community health, or even look online yourself!) to see if there's any group therapy options for you in your community? Those kinds of setting are similar, where you are with people the same age as you, going through similar things, all there for each other to recover together. I know it's a bit different since you don't have people watching you, or you don't live there, but it's another option. I wonder if there are any "safe houses" too, I know those are also sometimes just for runaways, but some take in anyone who needs some extra help.
I'm super proud of you too, even with everything going on, you're still staying strong and keeping yourself safe!! That's amazing Hope :) I hope that you have much much longer than a few weeks, I know that a difficult time is coming up for you, but I'm confident that you can make it through. I'm sure your grandma would want you to remember the good times you had with her not the pain of her being gone, and to keep fighting, and to keep living, for her!
It's too bad that your dbt book hasn't been too helpful, sometimes just distracting ourselves isn't enough to make the feeling pass. Does your book have any exercises on challenging your thoughts? Maybe something more active would help you more, to take what you're feeling/thinking and work directly with it, rather than trying to make it pass.
What advice would I give..I think it's important to try to keep thinking about the positive things, even if you don't really believe it or if it takes a lot of effort. Think about how much you love your brother and want to see him again, rather than any time that he will be away. Think about the good memories you have of your grandma, instead of that she's gone. Think of anything good in your life, anything about life you like, it could be shows/movies, bands, friends, family members, nature, animals, anything at all. And focus on those things the best you can! And focus on your victories, all the days where you've felt better, the days where you stayed clean, those are so important and they happened because YOU made them happen! and that means you can make many more happen too, even better days 
@TaranWanderer
i really dont know if my book has some. i was wondering if like groups and stuff cost money.. also i dont have a car and my parents would drive me and they work idk how that would work out but i want to say your so kind and sweet and so supportive that you so much you mean so much to me
@imsorryitry Hmm I guess it depends on the kind of group, if it's run by a therapist it might cost money, but I think there might be some free ones (or, depending on where you live, they might have a "sliding scale" policy to help with costs). About getting there..I'm sure your parents wouldn't mind if it was something that would help you, you know? (and, it might be held after work hours, if they are keeping in mind that people have jobs ). If you have a public transit system, that could be an option too. It couldn't hurt to just see if there is anything in your area, and talk to your therapist/parents to see if they could make it work.
Since your book might not have some of those things, here is what I know about challenging thoughts (maybe you have heard some of these through your therapist, but probably good review anyways)
This is a list of common "cognitive distortions" (also called "unhelpful thinking styles"), which are ways that our thoughts form that usually make us feel bad, it happens automatically, but it also means they're not true and you can reframe them!
This is a little workbook on challenging these thoughts, which means evalutating them and thinking how you could change it around.
This a worksheet where you can record the thoughts you have and what was going on when it happened, challenge them, and re-word it in a positive way
You can give those a try if you want something to work on that isn't just distraction, you could even bring them up to your therapist to see if she wants to work through them with you
@TaranWanderer
i have a question how do you know all of this stuff your so smart ... and i searched for some im on like something to help not gonna say but yea and i really dont know what type of group would help .. i mean im willing to try anything
@TaranWanderer
oml the congnitive distortions one im all of them ...
@imsorryitry haha I know about them for 2 reasons: I went to university for psychology, and I was also in therapy myself so these were the kinds of things my therapist used for me and don't worry about having all the cognitive distortions, almost everyone has all of them at some point or another! That's the reason that they're there, because they are so common I have all of them too. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong, it's just a list of common ways our thoughts go (since our brains are always looking for the quickest or easiest answer, even if it's not right).
I hope some of this will be helpful for you, or at least may lead you to something that will be helpful as for the kind of group..I guess just have a look to see what's available around you and what sounds like it would be what you're looking for. I think any type has the potential to be helpful, so it's just what you're comfortable with and what would work for you (such as time/place etc)
@TaranWanderer
when i grow up (sounds like a little kid but)....im wanting to go to college to be a therapist so for social work would be my major but i kind of want to push for 2 majors physcology and social work... i want to help people with emotional distress and behavioral(god i hate that word so much) problems. i would love to help any teen but i want ot specialize in infant mental health and teenagers. i also want to do trauma and other kinds but i havent got all of this sorted out... oh yea dont know if ive told you but im 16 and yea haha young yes ... and did you graduate
@TaranWanderer
ive been in therapy since i was like 13 but i had a consuler in 4th grade and 5th cuz of sexual abuse and stuff but eh dont know if that counts she was just there to talk to me that is who i told what was happeneing to for asking a stupid question
@imsorryitry
It doesn't sound like a little kid I still say "when I grow up" too! (and I'm 23 already will be 24 next month 
) I think that would be awesome if you went into therapy or social work! To help people out, since you know what it's like...that's one of the best ways you can use your experience to make a positive difference oh a double major sounds tough but at least they are related subjects! So maybe it wouldn't be too bad :) haha I can understand, it's tough when there's so many things you want to help with, I'm still trying to narrow it down myself :) I graduated about 2 years ago, but I'm trying to get into graduate school to get a Master's degree right now so...still planning on more school :)
I'm glad that you've had so many people to help you out throughout your life, I never saw anyone until university, because I felt I didn't deserve it or that it just wouldn't help, but I'm glad that I did eventually :) Hopefully they have been helpful to you for the most part!
@TaranWanderer
my brother is 23 and will be 24 in august ... i feel you deserve so much happiness and everything good in your life and always will ...
@TaranWanderer
i dont know if people tell you they are proud of you but i am very proud of you ... i dont even think ill graduate highschool
@TaranWanderer
your from canada im close to you then haha probably closer than you think tbh not gonna say tho cuz of privacy
@imsorryitry ohh that's interesting, we are the same age you deserve that too Hope, you deserve happiness and wonderful things too :) and thank you so much, I'm so proud of you too! My little sister didn't graduate high school, but she is doing alright :) school isn't everything, and there will always be ways to help others even without school. So you don't have to put too much pressure on yourself! I have confidence that you will get through this rough time and lead a positive life oh that's neat, it's nice that we are close don't worry, you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with
@TaranWanderer
i want to cry so much rn ... so much pain and i have 2 younger sisters and like many freaking cousins no joke my older cousin is having a baby boy in june
@TaranWanderer
i have like 15 younger cousins and maybe 17 older ones
@imsorryitry oh wow that's a lot of cousins! I only really have 2 cousins haha. So many people that love you and want you to be okay Do you get along with them alright?
@TaranWanderer
well my cousin that is 2 years younger than me her name is jolyn she is like my best friend and sister all in one she is literally like my life rn i love her so much and my cousin breezy she is my babygirl she is 7 and my older ones we arent really close i dont feel like they like me or im a burden to them and my baby cousins i adore them carter my cousin he is 3 he is the best thing ever he is so cute and he says oh my lanta instead of saying omg because he thinks its swearing my moms side is a christian i am not tho i dont know what i am ... but my other cousins that are younger are all my babies
@imsorryitry aww they all sound so sweet even if you aren't too close to your older ones, I'm sure you're not a burden to them, maybe they just don't know you enough or are too busy doing their own thing. But all the little ones sound so cute, I'm sure it's nice seeing them :) and jolyn sounds just wonderful, it's great that you can have someone so important and close to you in your family! (it's okay, most of my family is religious too but I'm not really, but I think it works out alright most of the time )
@TaranWanderer
i go to church with my aunt so i can spend time with her and the little ones and so i can see hayley she is like a mom to me since i never really had a mom that cared or was actually there i have my mom and she is im not even going to say how she is i love her but god that person has caused me pain ... my step mom is rude and doesnt give a crap about anyone except my dad and my 2 sisters im just another person to her
@imsorryitry aw it sounds like Haley is a great person I'm happy you have someone like that! It's too bad that your mom hasn't been too kind to you :( and neither has your step-mom...I can relate, my step-dad never cared about anyone but himself and my mom, it's not very fun to have someone treat you like that :( but you know, it sounds like you have found others that do treat you right and who you can have a great relationship with :)
@TaranWanderer
i feel like im going to cry ... i feel like crap and i want to cry .. today i ate like 15 cubes of cheese and grapes and i feel bad for some reason it makes me feel bad and i drank too much and my feelings inside are taking over
@imsorryitry Aw it's okay to cry, Hope, there's nothing wrong with crying :) I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad though :( I'm happy that you got yourself to eat a little bit though, even if it made you feel bad, you still did something that was good for you in the long run. You don't ever have to feel bad for eating, I know that those feelings just happen sometimes, but I hope you can remind yourself that there's nothing wrong with it and that it was a good thing for you. You did a good thing by eating, Hope!
Did you want to try one of those guided imagery videos, or mindfulness exercises, since your feelings are starting to be a bit overwhelming? Sometimes they can help centre you and have your emotions settle down a little :)
@TaranWanderer
ok i will ... i feel crazy i really do
@imsorryitry I don't think anything about you sounds crazy emotions can be tricky and complicated
@TaranWanderer
i sat in my room at 9pm and i was having a panic attack and freaked out and cried for hours and my dad came in because my sister screamed for him and said hope isnt ok then he came in and saisd whats wrong and i said i dont know im scared and anxious and i knew what was wrong i was crying because i was afriad i was going to kill someone but i wasnt going to... kind of thoughts i had when i was 13 ... i was feeling terrible i just got off the phone with my aunt and she said im unfit and pretty much fat... she said measure my food i dont want to hear you say ytou ate some food say i ate a cup or a half cup ... and i was trying to say i hate myself and she said that its like thanks i really hate myself so at 9:30 pm i was doing sit ups and i wrote on my wrist love is louder than the pressure to be perfect i wrote all over my page for my therapist that i hate myself and i know im fat ... i know im not pretty enough i was still crying so this morning i havent ate anything and did really drink anything except 2 drinks of water... i feel so discusting and i wore baggy clothes so i dont have to see myself
@imsorryitry Oh no, it sounds like it was a pretty rough night yesterday 
But you know, even with all of it, you still made it through, you didn't do anything to hurt yourself or others, you got through it! I know you wouldn't hurt anyone, and you know, I think having those kinds of thoughts is more common than you might think. Of course they're scary when they happen, but it's not your thoughts that matter, it's what you do after you have them that count.
I'm sorry your aunt said such awful things, like what kind of person says that! You did NOT deserve to have those things said to you. She sounds just hateful and controlling. You know, next time you are on the phone with her (or anyone) and they start saying rude things, just hang up. You don't have to sit through that. And they don't deserve to have their opinions heard. You're not fat, Hope, and you don't have to report anything to your aunt, you don't have to tell her what or how much you're eating. It's none of her business.
I'm happy that you wrote that on your arm, it's pretty true! And for what you wrote on the page for your therapist, it's nice to get that out onto paper, and to let her know what's going through your head. I hope that you can get yourself to eat something later today, it would be good for you, and you deserve it
Hope, you are beautiful, just as you are. You know what I think are the great things about you? You're really caring, you're very sweet, you're a fighter, you're a wonderful sister and cousin, you're a cutie, you're able to reach out when you need to, you're good at describing feelings, you have really positive life goals, you're good at lifting others up, and you don't give up. Those are all things worth loving, a whole lot! And that's just from knowing you a bit online, I bet you have sooo many more great things about you that I don't even know about
@TaranWanderer
thank you hun ... i love you and someone said are you going to eat your breakfast at school and i said no you can have it they said hope you need to eat... im eating somewhat and i have a question why when i drank water i almost threw up im ready to scream and cut already
@imsorryitry It sounds like that person was worried about you and wanted you to be okay. I'm happy that you're getting to eat a bit. About the nausea after drinking water...it's hard to say I guess. Maybe if it was really cold water it just upset your stomach, or maybe if you were feeling anxious or upset when you drank that could make you feel sick, or if you hadn't eaten in a while drinking too fast could make your stomach feel upset too. There's lots of different things that could cause it, I think. Keep staying strong, Hope! You can make it through today Try to stay focused on anything good that happens today, even if it was small or silly.
@TaranWanderer
why am i so scared of food like im not really scarede its more of i want to cry if i have to eat something like a meal i am fine with cheese like a peice
@imsorryitry I think it makes sense, since people are saying such mean things to you, and sometimes the mean things are coming from your own head...it's easy to associate eating meals with making them be angry or say more rude things. Just take it in small steps, Hope work your way up to being comfortable eating a proper amount. Remind yourself that those negative things people say (or the voice in your head says) aren't true, that there's nothing wrong with eating, that it gives you energy and improves your mood (since a well-nourished brain can function better and help your emotions be more stable), and that you are worth it. Keep fighting against those negative things, and try associating eating with positive things, such as listen to your favourite song while you eat :) it's a process, you don't have to be okay all at once or right away, but you will get there with time
@TaranWanderer
i have been this way maybe since i was 11 or 12 i would just skip meals then it got to not eating at all then purging i havent purged in over a year and a half .. i was underweight a little but id exercise all the time with my sports i played i was 14 then i got on some meds like haldol and sapfris and stuff like that .. i gained wieght so i was purging and it made me gain weight never doing it again i still want to alot... im kind of like trained now i feel nauseas when i eat but it kind of is weird i dont throw up... i have always wanted to be maybe 100 pounds not 110 ... 100 pounds. but im also 5'10 i really want to loose weight so i guess im not going to eat and just exercise its like im willing to die to be the way i want ... im so messed up
@imsorryitry Oh Hope, that's not being messed up, that's just what an eating disorder does to people. It's not your fault, and you can recover. You can be happy being a healthier weight, you just have to push and fight to get there. You deserve to be free from its grasp on you. You deserve to live happily without the worry about food or weight. You deserve to see how absolutely beautiful you really are, which is not because of a number on a scale. Your worth or beauty isn't determined by that number. Being underweight isn't beautiful, it makes your hair fall out, it makes your teeth decay and break, it makes you unable to do things you want because you're too light headed and weak, it makes it easier to get sick...what about that is beautiful, exactly? You don't deserve that. You deserve health and happiness and the ability to do what you want in life. I'm so proud of you for not purging, even if you still have thoughts of it sometimes, you're stronger than it and you are winning that battle! I'm excited to see you get even stronger and start winning the battle against restrictive eating as well, you are on your way already If I could make it through, to feel happy with myself even when I never ever thought I would be happy with my weight or how I look, then you can too!
@TaranWanderer
i love you i really have no clue why you care or want to help so much im just a person and thats it nothing special that is the truth ... i have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder
@imsorryitry aw I care and want to help because I think you really deserve it and you don't deserve to be struggling so much, and I really believe you will be able to get through all of this We're all just people, Hope, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve love and care Even without being diagnosed, you can see that you have worries with food and weight, and so applying the same methods that you would use for an eating disorder would be helpful :)
@TaranWanderer
hey i wanted to show you something just done know how so ill put it as the title it is who you are by jessie j and then there is a video called am i pretty enough ... it has like a video of a girl putting sticky notes it explains how i feel
@imsorryitry Hope!! I'm so happy to see you posting again, I was worried about you :) I'm sooo happy that you're okay I hope everything is alright (at least, as alright as they can be)
Also, about having friends...I know what you mean, it can be hard to want friends when you're afraid to be hurt. And, there's nothing wrong with liking to be alone (as long as you're still able to stay safe and take care of yourself, of course!). But you know, having friends isn't all bad. Most of my friends are pretty casual, I don't see or talk to them much, but they're still someone I can meet up with or talk to if I want. Maybe friends like that would be nice for you :) You don't have to share more than you want with them, you can still leave the personal things to share with your therapist if you want. I think one day you will be okay with having friends (maybe you will be even better at it than me!). In my experience, friends when you're younger is a lot different from friends when you're older, so I wouldn't write it off completely. And, even online friends still count, I think :) Just to know that you have people out there that care about you and who would be there for you when you need it, that's what friends are
@TaranWanderer
i love you and i missed you so much... how are you
@imsorryitry I missed you too!! I'm alright, I had a pretty bad weekend but things are starting to get better again How have you been feeling?
@TaranWanderer
been fine but my therapist is making me still fill out this stupid food thing on my diary card is she wanting me to hate myself more... i dont know i kind of feel lightheaded and i hurt but im fine i promise... wanna talk about the weekend im always here hope you know that
@TaranWanderer
i was up at 3 am thinking am i going to eat breakfast and if i eat will i eat dinner and i was thinking how much calories i would get and i was snapping my rubberband till i stopped thinking of food... i dont know why its this bad again... what has happened and my head hurts i ate like no dinner last night but i ate a sandwich and some cookies like 6 of them or 7 and it was 520 calories ... but im ok i feel that is way to much
@imsorryitryI'm sure your therapist doesn't want you to hate yourself more, it sounds like she's trying to tackle something that you're struggling with. What you write in the food section has no reflection on how valuable and wonderful you are. But, if you really feel you aren't emotionally ready to do that part of the diary card, you should talk to her about it and maybe work out a different plan together. Letting her know that it will make you feel bad about yourself might help her find a different way to work through it. In the end, although I'm sure she thought it would be a good idea, she can't force you to do it. You don't have to do anything that you think will just make things worse (although, sometimes when you give things an honest try, they can turn out better than expected )
I'm glad to hear you're alright though, even if you're feeling a bit dizzy and hurting...you know, you might not notice but from the way you're writing, it seems to me like you're more stable and calm right now :)
Ah, the weekend was just fighting with my boyfriend about dumb stuff and feeling bad, but I've been working hard to talk things through with him and to force myself to work on things that make me feel productive, so I'm feeling much better than I was
I'm sorry to hear thinking about food kept you up so much But you know, even with that, you still got yourself to eat a little, so I'm really proud of you for that! It makes sense that your head hurts, since you haven't been sleeping too well, and haven't been eating as much as you should. And, it makes sense too, since when we don't eat enough, our head constantly thinks about food since that's what it needs. Try your best to not think about calories, they aren't anything to worry about. Did you know that they don't actually mean anything about fat content or how much it would make you gain weight? It's actually a measurement of energy, so it's only saying how much energy it will give you. So, when you think about it, the less you have, the less energy your body will have to function, which means your body will hurt, it'll be hard to sleep, or to focus..so, how you've been feeling really makes sense, since 500 units of energy is definitely not too much, it's not enough.
@TaranWanderer
are you saying that to make me eat or try to convince me to.... i have a theory you wont gain weight unless you eat something ... i wanna know something... what happens if you pass out from starving or something and you go to the ER what would they do? she wants to see maybe that im eating nothing will happen if she sees me not eating except tell my dad so i will just say im eating when im not idk ... what is wrong with me.. what do i do ??im sitting here debating if i should eat a mushroom with italian dressing on it... im like angry if i do and if i dont im fine and i havent ate anything today ... im happy your feeling a little better. you deserve to be better than how you were over the weekend
@imsorryitry
Haha I'm just saying the truth, that's all. I know what it's like to get caught up on calories, but they don't mean what we think they do. You don't gain weight if you don't eat, that's true, but you also can't live that way. And actually, starving yourself makes it easier to gain weight when you do eventually eat, because your body is trying to save anything it can get, whereas when you're eating regularly, your body doesn't worry about storing energy, because it knows it will get what it needs. Does that make sense? Even when you're technically eating less, your body stores more as fat than when you eat properly.
When you pass out from starving, in the ER you're probably going to get an IV to get the fluids and nutrients you need until you recover. They may or may not follow up with a therapist, if they think you're in need of help, but I think a few different factors play into that (and, you already have a therapist ).
I know it's tempting to just lie and make her not worry or tell your dad, but she's not doing it for herself, Hope, this is for YOU. This is so you can recover, so what will lying do for you? Make her think things are okay and just let you get worse without the help you should get? What's best for you sometimes isn't the easiest. Your therapist really shouldn't be telling your parents anything, she's supposed to be keeping things confidential (except in the case of legal things, like related to suicide, but that's it, everything else should be off limits). My therapist had me keep track of what I was eating too, and I felt like lying sometimes and saying I ate more than I did, but really, it's 100% more helpful to just be honest. To be honest not only to her, but to yourself. It helps you see what's going on, and having someone else know the truth of what's going on too, so that she can walk with you through it knowing the full story. Your therapist is not out to get you, she is not there to judge you, she's not there to get you in trouble.
It makes me sad that you haven't eaten today Do you think it would help if you thought of yourself as a friend? What would you recommend a friend do, if she told you she hadn't eaten all day and didn't know if she should eat this small little thing? What would you tell me if I was asking you that? Every time you think "should I eat this?", ask yourself what would you tell a friend asking the same thing. And treat yourself as nice as you would someone else
@TaranWanderer
i would tell a friend eat its harder than that... i want to eat it but it feels like its not right and i want to eat it but if i eat now i will gain weight since ive been starving... i dont think id ever go to a hospital for starving
i wish it could be so much easier...
oh yea sorry bad memory but did i tell you im gonna start trauma therapy soon like friday after i take a test for like ptsd or something
@imsorryitry I know it's hard, it's not as easy to just be nice to yourself and to fight the negative thoughts, but it's worth it to just try your best. You deserve to be nice to yourself, you know? I hope you never end up going to the hospital for that, I'd rather you keep taking care of yourself :) You won't gain weight suddenly, it's more of a long-term thing, if you continually do it over time, you know? So you shouldn't have fear of gaining weight if you start eating more regularly now. And anyways, what's really so wrong about weight? What is wrong with being a healthy weight? Who says being thin is more beautiful, exactly? Aren't girls just so beautiful at any weight? The mean words you hear from your aunt and from your own head don't mean anything, they don't know what beauty is.
I hope you can keep fighting those negative things you hear in your head, when it tells you it's not right, you yell back "yes it is!" :D Aren't flowers beautiful? And you know, they need nutrients in order to bloom and grow. You're like a flower too :) It's not wrong for cute puppies and kittens to eat, so why would it be different for you? It will take time, but I know that it will be easier to be kind to yourself in time. You are just as beautiful and cute and valuable as any flower, puppy, kitten, and everything else wonderful in the world :)
Oh you hadn't told me that, that sounds like it will be pretty nice! I hope it goes well, I think even without a specific diagnosis like ptsd, participating in trauma therapy could be useful when events from your past are causing you distress. You'll have to let me know how it goes!
@TaranWanderer
i am eating am i feel like im going to throw up its been 2 hours since lunch time began and its over .... i still have my food
im like stressed my face is red and my stomach is bloated and im like pulling out my hair ... ugh i want it to be gone why is it like this
@TaranWanderer
listen to the song wake up by nf its so amazing
@imsorryitry aw, I hope you're able to finish your lunch, or at least eat something for dinner later on, even if it's just a bit. Did you know that when you feel nauseous, it helps to think about icebergs? It helps to get rid of that feeling, maybe you could try it to see if it works for you :) Other than that, you can try to breathe deep and focus on something else instead of how your stomach feels, it will pass so you just have to wait it out!
it does sound like you're pretty stressed, I hope something nice can happen for you soon! What kind of things help you feel relaxed? Maybe you can try those when you have time by yourself today. These things will go away in time, with some effort, it will!
Wow that song is pretty good! Well, since I'm at work I couldn't listen to it :P but I read the lyrics, I bet it's even better when you can hear it. The lyrics say to wake up but don't say what that really means, and for some reason this song popped into my head as an answer haha: "a talk with george" by jonathan coulton
@TaranWanderer
last night i cried to my mom she is like my mom but her name is hayley and i cried because of how much im in pain with eating and how i feel about it. i was lightheaded everytime i moved. i just dont know how i got here. i know i have other things that is going on. but i guess im ok. my teacher came in and said you didnt eat breakfast so you are getting lunch right i said no i dont want any he said come on you didnt eat yesterday or today. so im afriad he is gonna call my dad what do i do. if my dad finds out he will make me eat like im going to cry thinking about it. me and hayley were talking and i was crying she said hope someone had to tell you that you are fat or ugly or something to make you feel this way. i said i dont think so if it did happen i didnt remember it. i just always hated myself for longest i remember was 11. i just dont know i guess ... can you help me try to figure it out or is it something i have to do
@imsorryitry I'm happy you have people who are recognizing what's going on and who are trying to help, like Hayley, and your teacher. I know it probably feels like a bad thing, since he might tell your dad, but it means he's noticing you and he cares about your health. About your dad, do you think he would try to be helpful if he did find out? Such as if you explain to him how you feel, maybe he will take things slow with you and be a support for you. I'm sure he will want you to eat, that's not a bad thing, he wants you to be okay, he wants you to feel better. Do you think if you talk to him about it, he will be patient with you?
There's a lot of different causes for disordered eating, such as the influence of media (if you're constantly being shown people who are thin as the 'ideal' or that they're having such a great life, you can unconsciously start thinking that's how you should look), peer-pressure (like when your aunt says all those mean things to you, calling you fat and such), comparing ourselves to others, low self-image...but, one you might not think of, is childhood trauma. Even if it was completely unrelated to weight, sometimes unresolved trauma manifests itself as disordered eating.
But what's more important, regardless of the cause or what started it, you have the power to make it get better. Eating properly will make your lightheadedness go away (since it's probably from either just a lack of energy or from a lack of a certain vitamin). This is something that you have to do, to learn to accept your body as it is, to realize that thinness doesn't equal beauty, to change your relationship with food more positively, and to learn to be more compassionate to yourself. I think a good start would be the trauma therapy, to work through that past event, and to start seeing your true value and how that event does not define you, that you didn't deserve it, and that you're worth so much more. And, having someone to walk you through a meal plan, getting back on track to healthy eating, is another path to recovery. So, there's really 2 areas that you can work through to help get through this: 1) how you view yourself, and 2) how you think about food
It's not a simple journey, but it can be done, and more importantly, you are worth it
@TaranWanderer
my dad knew about me starving in 7th grade so like 4 years ago or maybe 3 yeah and he made me eat he forced me even if i felt like i was going to throw up and idc im not going to eat im on a dustructive path and idc honestly ive been on one for a very long time... and listen to the song im sorry by joyner lucas its a great song
@imsorryitry Will you eat for me, Hope? Please? Even if you've been on that path for a while, it doesn't mean you have to keep going down it. There's so many other paths connecting to it that you can switch to. I was on that self-destructive path since I was 9 to when I was 22, but I finally got on a different one, and I'm happy I let myself get here. I want you to let yourself get there too.
That's a very sad song, Hope. I hope that you're listening more to the second verse, about how it feels to lose someone to suicide. About how things could have been better but the person in verse 1 didn't give it a chance, and now everyone is left to hurt.
@TaranWanderer
i wish i could eat for you but i cant honestly ... iam hungry but i cant i really cant no one understands how hard it is to eat .. and the song means so much to me i love it honestly it feels like how i feel so much ...the second part is my dad and the first is me can i show you some songs or like put some here some arent songs but videos if you dont want to its ok they are sad but 2 of them are happy
@imsorryitry It's hard but it's still in your power, Hope. You can do it. This is your body, you're in control of it, you decide what you do after you have those negative thoughts and feelings. You have to recognize that. No one is controlling your actions but you
I don't really want to hear those songs Hope, they don't do you any good to listen to, even if they feel like how you feel, what good does it do to listen to sad things that just make you feel more sad? I don't need a song to remind me of the pain of losing my uncle and grandpa to suicide, the pain of almost losing my sister and mom, the pain of finding my roommate's suicide note, the pain of almost losing myself. It just doesn't do any good.
@TaranWanderer
oh ok its fine and i know im in control of myself but i dont think iam i really dont think iam in control its like a thing in me that controls me and i feel like im faking everything but im not i know im not ... i got lunch but i want to eat and i think well i can eat this but then i think no it has alot of calories and it sounds good but no i want to eat it but i cant make myself eat it ... im sorry im this way