A chat with Hope
@imsorryitry I wanted to make this thread for us to talk easier, since feed posts are a bit tricky and limited 
I also wanted to try to help you find some more resources for you.
One thing I want to emphasize is that I really doubt you could get arrested for being suicidal. The most the police would do is hand you over to a hospital. But there's nothing 'arrest' worthy about it, there's no reason (or benefit) to send someone to jail.
Also, your therapist is supposed to help you through all of this, and sometimes she needs to full story in order to do that. If she doesn't know how bad things are for you right now, she might not be doing the right things to help. I know it's scary, especially when your family might find out, but sometimes telling people how you really feel is the best thing to do. It sounds like pretending to be okay hasn't really been helping lately, so it couldn't hurt to try being honest instead. If you're not okay, then you're just not okay, and you deserve to have help for that.
Recovery and overcoming suicidal thoughts is not an easy journey, sometimes you have to do some difficult or scary things for your own benefit, like opening up, like standing up for yourself and demanding people take you seriously and get the help you want, and just not giving up no matter what. But you know what, it's worth that fight. And you're worth the fight!
It will be okay, Hope! You can make it through this 
You have your therapist, your school social worker, your friends, the listeners on here, the crisis lines, everyone is here to talk with you and to support you, you're not alone in this!
In case you don't have them, here are some resources for you:
-Mindfulness exercises (to help be calm and to relax)
-Guided imagery/meditation (also to help with being calm and to focus on positive things--so many more on youtube you can look for)
-Progressive Muscle Relaxation (also for calming down)
-Suicide hotlines: One site, Another site
-You can email the Samaritans, any time, no matter where you are, you can say anything you want and as much as you want, and someone will reply to you within the same day
Also remember:
-try not to be alone, go outside, stay with friends or people you trust, if you can
-do things that you enjoy and that make you happy (such as reading, writing, poetry, art, running, a warm bath, listening to music, etc)--try to keep a positive focus
-if you have a pet, spend time with them. If not, try going to a dog park, or visiting an animal shelter
-write a story about the life you would want if you could have any life you wanted, what would your happiest life look like?
-every time you hear a negative thought in your head, try saying the exact opposite, the most positive alternative you can think of. Say it in your head or say it out loud or write it down a hundred times!
@TaranWanderer
i love you alot just saying this made my day seeing this ... i really am struggling my brother is getting charged with manslaughter and it hurts because everyone is like saying itll be ok then my brother says itll be ok but i know it wont he is my rock and he is my world and i never wanted this ever for him he is so amazing he was just in the wrong place in the wrong time with the stupid ex he has... he is amazing i love him so much. it makes me so suicidal that i may not see him i think if i cant see him or talk why even be alive honestly. i just wish it was over but its not and he may be in prison for maybe 17 years ... i think of his son even tho he doesnt see him i know he wont have him and i know damn well that his mom wont let him see him now because he hurt someone badly but i love that little guy i havent seen him since he was 9 months old and he is maybe 3 now... my brother isnt like that. plus it feels like its a test for me to see if ill break and i gotta admit i broke and im down its not going to get better i know that i can remeber my brother coming to see me when i was in a hospital for suicide attempts and he loved me but his stupid ex mary was there and did all this stuff that was bad with him ....she did drugs and sold drugs and i want to say something to the police about what she does like karma but it wont work like that...because im not like that (right now). i cant predict what ill do in the next 10 minutes tbh. he promised me he will enver leave and he is gone for a while what will i do with him gone. have no one that is it. i really want some help but if i ask they will say no (community mental health) and say you just want to go back to the hospital but that isnt it i want to be with other people that is getting better and not like the people at the hospital that freak out and everyone is terrible i want to go so i have people i can connect with and get help with people my age and have others to talk to and stay on track while be watching because i dont trust myself... i know they will say no we are not paying for anything like that and there is nothing like that. i just want to have people that i can talk to my age that has problems but be with them and have help at the same time like a residential but the one i was at a long time ago was for like run aways and i dont run away. i think it would be good to get away.. honestly im proud of myself rn because i have not hurt myself or attmepted in the last 2 days... i keep thinking that i have a few weeks before im gone and on the 20th is when my grandma passed 2 years ago and it hurts i was in the hospital around this time in 2016. i try to not think about anything but it doesnt work it always brings me back to my pain with my brother and grandma ... i try coping skills like distracting and stuff in my dbt book (therapy) and it doesnt work i just want it to be ok and i know it wont.. like can i please just have some help what do i do buddy . can you help me somehow like maybe give me advice i know that isnt aloud i think but please for me help me with what i could do like with everything and your amazing just saying
@imsorryitry aw Hope, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, he sounds really important to you and it makes sense that it's hard to not be able to see him! But you know, depending where you live, you may still be able to go visit him, and call him, write him letters, even if he goes to prison. And, there's always the possibility that he'll get a shorter sentence, because if he really is as good of a person as you say, and it was just his ex who was a bad influence, then I'm sure he will have good behaviour and that can mean being in for a shorter time! Going to prison is not going to be the end of the world, your brother is still there and he still cares about you and his family. Think, every person who is in jail has people who love them so much and miss them a lot, and they're all still holding on, waiting to see them again 
He's not gone forever, will be able to get out at some point, and hopefully being away from his ex will be a good influence. He says it will be okay, so I would believe him! Let's give him something to really look forward to when he gets out: a wonderful sister!
About the community mental health, it's too bad that they may not offer help, that sounds like the opposite of their job! Do you think you could talk to your therapist (or the community health, or even look online yourself!) to see if there's any group therapy options for you in your community? Those kinds of setting are similar, where you are with people the same age as you, going through similar things, all there for each other to recover together. I know it's a bit different since you don't have people watching you, or you don't live there, but it's another option. I wonder if there are any "safe houses" too, I know those are also sometimes just for runaways, but some take in anyone who needs some extra help.
I'm super proud of you too, even with everything going on, you're still staying strong and keeping yourself safe!! That's amazing Hope :) I hope that you have much much longer than a few weeks, I know that a difficult time is coming up for you, but I'm confident that you can make it through. I'm sure your grandma would want you to remember the good times you had with her not the pain of her being gone, and to keep fighting, and to keep living, for her!
It's too bad that your dbt book hasn't been too helpful, sometimes just distracting ourselves isn't enough to make the feeling pass. Does your book have any exercises on challenging your thoughts? Maybe something more active would help you more, to take what you're feeling/thinking and work directly with it, rather than trying to make it pass.
What advice would I give..I think it's important to try to keep thinking about the positive things, even if you don't really believe it or if it takes a lot of effort. Think about how much you love your brother and want to see him again, rather than any time that he will be away. Think about the good memories you have of your grandma, instead of that she's gone. Think of anything good in your life, anything about life you like, it could be shows/movies, bands, friends, family members, nature, animals, anything at all. And focus on those things the best you can! And focus on your victories, all the days where you've felt better, the days where you stayed clean, those are so important and they happened because YOU made them happen! and that means you can make many more happen too, even better days 
@TaranWanderer
i really dont know if my book has some. i was wondering if like groups and stuff cost money.. also i dont have a car and my parents would drive me and they work idk how that would work out but i want to say your so kind and sweet and so supportive that you so much you mean so much to me
@imsorryitry Hmm I guess it depends on the kind of group, if it's run by a therapist it might cost money, but I think there might be some free ones (or, depending on where you live, they might have a "sliding scale" policy to help with costs). About getting there..I'm sure your parents wouldn't mind if it was something that would help you, you know? (and, it might be held after work hours, if they are keeping in mind that people have jobs ). If you have a public transit system, that could be an option too. It couldn't hurt to just see if there is anything in your area, and talk to your therapist/parents to see if they could make it work.
Since your book might not have some of those things, here is what I know about challenging thoughts (maybe you have heard some of these through your therapist, but probably good review anyways)
This is a list of common "cognitive distortions" (also called "unhelpful thinking styles"), which are ways that our thoughts form that usually make us feel bad, it happens automatically, but it also means they're not true and you can reframe them!
This is a little workbook on challenging these thoughts, which means evalutating them and thinking how you could change it around.
This a worksheet where you can record the thoughts you have and what was going on when it happened, challenge them, and re-word it in a positive way
You can give those a try if you want something to work on that isn't just distraction, you could even bring them up to your therapist to see if she wants to work through them with you
@TaranWanderer
oml the congnitive distortions one im all of them ...
@imsorryitry haha I know about them for 2 reasons: I went to university for psychology, and I was also in therapy myself so these were the kinds of things my therapist used for me and don't worry about having all the cognitive distortions, almost everyone has all of them at some point or another! That's the reason that they're there, because they are so common I have all of them too. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong, it's just a list of common ways our thoughts go (since our brains are always looking for the quickest or easiest answer, even if it's not right).
I hope some of this will be helpful for you, or at least may lead you to something that will be helpful as for the kind of group..I guess just have a look to see what's available around you and what sounds like it would be what you're looking for. I think any type has the potential to be helpful, so it's just what you're comfortable with and what would work for you (such as time/place etc)
@TaranWanderer
when i grow up (sounds like a little kid but)....im wanting to go to college to be a therapist so for social work would be my major but i kind of want to push for 2 majors physcology and social work... i want to help people with emotional distress and behavioral(god i hate that word so much) problems. i would love to help any teen but i want ot specialize in infant mental health and teenagers. i also want to do trauma and other kinds but i havent got all of this sorted out... oh yea dont know if ive told you but im 16 and yea haha young yes ... and did you graduate
@TaranWanderer
ive been in therapy since i was like 13 but i had a consuler in 4th grade and 5th cuz of sexual abuse and stuff but eh dont know if that counts she was just there to talk to me that is who i told what was happeneing to for asking a stupid question
@imsorryitry hey Hope what's been going on today to make it so bad?
@TaranWanderer
another person left .. my boyfriend ... and just more pain with it makes me want to never trust anyone ... plus on saturday i burned my arm or shoulder part till it blistered on blisters and i popped the blisters and ripped the very bottom blister but i liked it more than cutting or just the same amount
@imsorryitry aw I'm so sorry to hear that Hope :( did he give a reason for leaving?
I know it hurts, but I think there's still plenty of reasons to trust people, you know? I don't think the relationships you've had so far have been a fair representation of all the different kinds of relationships you're going to have in your lifetime. I remember people being pretty flaky when I was younger, but things get better as you age and mature (and, the people around you mature too).
I'm sorry to hear that you burned yourself :( You should try putting some aloe on them, it really helps burns to heal and to feel better. Even if you liked it in the way that you 'like' self-harm, try your best to instead practice self-care, to treat your wounds rather than use them for pain.
@TaranWanderer
he said its for the best since he cant talk much anymore ... it tore me apart and what if i dont want my wound to heal or if i want a bigger scar
I LOVE YOUUU
@imsorryitry aw well, I'm sure it is for the best in the long run then, even though it really hurts right now. If he can't find the time for you, then you're better without him. You deserve someone who will be able to find time for you, to talk with you, to push through the good and bad with you. And I know you'll find someone like that in the future :) I never dated until I was 22! You have a whole lifetime and a whole planet full of people to find the one who matches you and who makes you happy and who makes everything worth it
I know you might not want to heal, or you might want a bigger scar, but those are just temporary feelings, you know? Those 'wants' are based on your hurt feelings right now, and I'm sure future you will not want those things. I'm sure the future you would be pretty grateful if you took care of yourself, as best you can, even when you don't want to. Plus, sometimes being nice to ourselves specifically when we want to be mean to ourselves can help us feel better! Maybe just give it a try to see how it goes :)
I love you too Hope! I really want you to be safe
@TaranWanderer
you know seeing you on today made my day better. you make me really happy and you may not realize that but your like a little sparkle that everyone loves your so bright inside and out your amazing and i want you to know that your very special to me ... i just feel bad because i feel like i make you sad or upset or something i just worry about that
@imsorryitry aww you're sooo sweet Hope 💖 💕 I think you're equally amazing and I think you're capable of brightening people's day and to show so much love to others, you're very special to me too You don't ever have to worry about that! You've never made me upset or sad, sometimes I worry about you and I feel like I wish I could make you see how amazing you are and how important you are, but it's never something you should feel bad about or worried about. You're just expressing yourself and you're being honest with me, I'd much rather have that than to have you pretend or hide your feelings
@TaranWanderer
your a gem thank you .. i hope one day i love myself too or see how great i am i really hope ... i just want to know how i can fix that would i have to get therapy or would dbt help with that....and one day i really hope to meet you even tho your probably like hope you are crazy ... cuz iam but anyway.. your the best taran i really do love you ... i kind of think of you as a parent/ therapist you would be great at both
@imsorryitry I know you will be able to see how great you are one day! I think it will probably take a combination of things, such as therapy, getting some good support network (such as with Hayley, imagine having a bunch of Hayleys all there for you ), a change in how you view yourself and your life and the world around you (which is usually part therapy and partly self-discovery), some patience, a lot of hard work and effort from you..but, all these things combined with time can do wonderful things :) haha I don't think you're crazy not at all. I am honestly pretty boring, quiet, and super shy in person 
I love you too Hope :) that's really nice of you to say, it means a lot to hear that! I hope I would be a good therapist...I have never thought too much about being a parent before, I wonder if I would be good :o I think you'd be great at a job that helps people too!
@TaranWanderer
id love to be a dbt trauma bsed therapy that works with teens also want to be infant mental healh therapist dont know if you know what that is it is what my therapist renee is pretty much ... id love to be like her ... i said i want a baby and she said no hope then we would have to do infant mental health too im like haha yea ok but im not willing to go throught the process of getting a child ...god cant do that... but haha over the weekend i told my dad i want to go to a college party he is like no hope. he was talking about colleges and he said yea no you arent going to a party your almost 17 you realize you could get into ALOT of trouble if you got caught at a party with college kids with alcohol ... just thought of that ... but yea thats what my future could be if i try lor want but i dont think ill get better i really dont think
@imsorryitry I think it would be totally possible for you to do those kinds of therapy in the future! Maybe having a baby now would be too difficult, but I'm sure you could in the future, when you feel more stable and confident in yourself :) There's no rush there at all, so you shouldn't be worrying about that for now. I think your dad made a good choice to say you shouldn't go. I think college parties aren't the best atmosphere to be in, especially when you're underage. Not just getting in trouble legally (and also, they could get in trouble too!) but also it might be a negative environment for you mentally, when you're not feeling the best. (but of course, I'm a bit biased since I don't drink and never have, so things about alcohol just make me uncomfortable and I think they're kinda dumb haha). You know, I never thought I would get better either, but I did (well, still a bit on the journey there, but definitely better!) so you know, I really really believe in you and your ability to live a happier life :)
@TaranWanderer
thank you so much i still dont get why your nice to me i know you have told me but why im not nice or special im not really like nice like this is life really im actually kind of rude sometimes ... i dont like drinking but i have done a pill or 2 but only 2 ... it made me chill but i did it cause i was very upset and most of the people in my school does drugs ... i dont think i should do them because i get addicted to things easily if i like them
@imsorryitry whaat, of course you're nice Hope! sometimes when we're going through a tough time, we end up being rude, but it doesn't mean you're not a nice person, you know? A lot of people at my school did drugs too, and my little sister, but I've always thought it was pointless and stupid, I hope you can continue to not fall into peer pressure. There are much better ways to handle what you feel. I'm glad you recognize that you have an addictive personality, I think I'm the same way too. I get 'addicted' to things that hurt me, so I try my best to stay away since I know I would just take it too far. I think you'll be able to do the same to keep yourself safe :)
@TaranWanderer
taran i was wondering if you could help me i want to show you something its kind of personal but i trust you and i have a really hard time with people irl talking about it but i wrote it out and i was wondering if you could help and yea its aboutsexual abuse its just been on my mind alot lately and its a part of my story but if you dont want me to share i wont dont know what is triggering to you
@imsorryitry no worries, that topic isn't triggering for me, you're welcome to share what you wrote with me :)
@TaranWanderer
ok so its events but yea its kind of embarrasing and im ashamed of it like alot ...but yea im actually terrified to tell people i love or know because they will judge me and its like anxiety and so embarrasing ugh but here i kind of want to cry but yea
when i was very young i maybe 5 my babysitter he was my best friend too i wanted his love because i didnt really have my parents or my biological moms love so i needed some love... one day we were at my house and i was watching tv and he would usually give me what i wanted candy and ramen noodles however they are called... but then at 6 that is when my dad told me we lived in that house but i remember 8 cuz that is the first thought i had that people were different then me ... but at 6 i was eating my food and it was close to midnight and he was touching my thighs i was fine with it i guess and i let him touch me because i thought it was normal and i went to bed i had my underwear on and i remember waking up to him taking them off and he was on top of me he then had oral sex with me i think he raped me i dont know that part is shady i think he did but i dont know if that would count as rape with the oral but yea then i tried to kick him away from me and i remember freaking out and crying i went to the bathroom and he said next time we will use baby powder dont know what that means but yea still have yet to figure why he said that but then the next time we were in the living room and he went out to smoke so i went with him because i always was with him and i talked to him but he this time made me touch him he said it was soft so i did i dont remember if he said it is soft like a stuff animal but i think he said that then later on that week or the next time i remember his making me take my clothes off and he would take pictures of me and make me spread my legs and take pictures of me ... he would teach me poker and stuff like that and always gave me candy later on sometime when he got the money then when he went back to my grandmas to live in the summer we were swimming he and me went swimming then i took me bathing suit off or he did idk but he then touched me and i went with it because it is normal then but then he would take me into the garage and he would touch me sometimes.. i would have to watch him take his clothes off and he would make me watch him through the bathroom door crack and he would say or i just thought act like your wanting to go to the bathroom. so i would and my baby cousin would be in her crib and my other cousin i told a long time ago before then and told her to swear to not tell and she never did so we were in the room and he would touch my thighs and i would be under the blanket and he would touch me too. we would have the door shut because he was the baby sitter we acted like it was normal i never really told for a long time because i knew he would be mad or hurt me i think it would at least and i told and the same day i told the consuler at school i said i told and he looked at me and told me something not sure what it was but yea then at maybe at 11 or 12 a year after it stopped me and my dads friend son i let him touch me because i thought it made me feel special and i let him because it was a normal thing for me i guess but yep that is what has happened when i was 14 a guy in my school still is we were in the library and i let him touch my thigh but i didnt want him to touch my private so i moved my chair a little but he still did and i moved his hand and let the library i guess i thought love was sexual stuff idk like not now but idk its hard to explain... nothing but self hate rn
@imsorryitry aww Hope, there's nothing that you need to feel ashamed about or embarrassed about. No one should judge you for what happened. You were only a child, none of this is your fault. Your babysitter was wrong, what he did to you was wrong. But it's not your fault, and it shouldn't have happened. You didn't deserve it, you did nothing wrong. It's understandable that you didn't want to tell, it's a hard thing to say at any age, and even moreso when you're little. It's easy to be scared of what might happen. But, I'm glad that you were able to tell someone about it. And I'm glad you weren't hurt when he found out. It's also completely understandable to feel special or like that's what love is, having people touch you in these ways. But I hope you can learn more about your value, that you deserve to be comfortable and consenting to all actions in a relationship, that no one should do anything to you that you don't want. That's really what love is, to have mutual trust and respect, not just one-way. You're special and loved because of who you are, not because of what others do to you. Developing healthy ideas of relationships can be tough after childhood sexual abuse, but I think you're on your way :) you stood up for yourself, you told the truth of what happened, and that's a great start. You did a good thing by telling someone. And I'm really proud of you for getting the courage to write all of this to me. You're a wonderful person, Hope. There's nothing to hate about yourself, you haven't done anything wrong. You're a good person, who had some awful people treat you badly. But that doesn't make you bad, and it doesn't mean you deserved it at all. You deserve so much better than what happened. And I really hope you never have to go through that again thanks so much for opening up to me, Hope 💓
@TaranWanderer
i dont tell people because its bad and it makes me feel really weird and anxious and worthless like how did i think that was normal
i didnt say anything because i was so terrified of even telling the counselor so i didnt say anything to the cops so it was my fault it was brought to the attention of the cops so i just said nothing ... he was arretsed but wasnt like actually arrested he was just taken away i look for the guys facebook sometimes to see him because he made me feel like i was loved plus he actually care at some point so ... it is just terrible
@imsorryitry Well, you don't have to tell people if you're not comfortable, but you shouldn't feel worthless or weird about it. It was a bad thing that happened to you, but it doesn't mean you're bad. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you were only a child, how could you know that it wasn't normal, when he was convincing you that it was. That's not your fault! You most likely thought it was normal because you didn't know differently, you were so little. This is your babysitter's fault alone. It was not your responsibility to recognize it was wrong, that's on him. He was the older person, all responsibility is on him. You can't be at fault for being scared to say anything. It's a scary thing! You can't blame yourself for feeling scared.
I can understand that he made you feel loved and cared about, but the reality is...he didn't care about you. Not even a little. If he really did, he wouldn't have done those things to you. He wouldn't have even thought about doing those things to you if he truly cared about you. That's not what loving someone or caring about someone is about. He did things he knew was wrong, he did things he knew he shouldn't. He hurt you on purpose, for his own selfish reasons. Someone who really cares about you would never do that to you. No matter how much it seemed like he did. You deserve 10000 times better than him.
It is an awful thing that happened, and things like that can stick with you or shape your view of yourself and relationships...but you're not terrible, Hope. Not even how you feel about it is terrible. Everything you did and how you feel is 100% understandable. There's not a single drop on blame on you. You're innocent in this. You're just so much better than him and those others who disrespected you. You have the power to move past their actions and to live as a better person than they could ever be :)
@imsorryitry I'm really sorry, Hope, I don't know what's going on, I still can't see any new posts on here, not even my own :( I'm worried about you though, I could see the first few words in the notification (something like "I carved..."), I hope you are staying safe I hope these posts fix themselves so I can read them...
hey taran
you good? i wish i could talk to you or hear your voice. im just having a terrible time. im keeping it all in. i dont know why its like this it shouldnt be ... just thoughts i was looking for cleaner in the bathroom at school to drink it. i saw renee today... ive just been feeling so terrible like angry at my mom and dad and at everyone i shouldnt be crying ughhh people will see ..idk what is wrong
@imsorryitry heyy Hope :) hopefully tagging you here helps you find our forum again :) I know the app can be tricky sometimes!
@imsorryitry hi Hope yes we can talk!!! I'm so sorry it took me so long to see your post, it's been a super busy week and I hadn't even logged into 7 cups until today 😢 (also, that's great news about your brother!! 💕 even if it's not all the way over, he's still there with you 😊) how have you been?
@imsorryitry love you too Hope!!! 💓 keep fighting, never give up 😻 you didn't hurt me at all, I'm sorry I haven't been on very much lately (I just moved across the country!! It was a lot of work and still a bit more to do but exciting too 😊). Nothing has to end, I know my adorable little sister is strong and can make it through. If you just take it one step at a time, that's enough for me 💝
How have things been going for you? Anything you want to talk or rant about?