An insight into my mind and thoughts right now
This is written in a sleepless haze, as I have had little to no sleep in nearly 3 days (meaning that if I have slept, I don't remember doing so) .
So what's keeping me up? Well it's varied from night to night, the thoughts have changed but the results have been the same............Zombie me going to work. It's funny I used to be able to weather insomnia alot better when I was younger but these days when I get these bouts, my body screams out in protest. My face looks years older and I ache all over.
Tonight and last night I have actually been worrying about listeners here. These are listeners I have not spoken to that much,nor had I ever any intention of speaking to them that much in the future. I don't know them at all except for the brief acts of kindness they showed me and there contributions here on 7cups. Now I know your probably thinking STALKER but thats not it at all. As I say I had/have no intention of contacting them but I liked seeing them around and if they posted something and they needed some support which I felt I could give, I would try to give them it but that's the extent of it.
The thing is, I don't ever forget true acts of kindness shown to me........I don't always know how to express my gratitude properly but I always remember it. I think this comes a significant lack of kindness and love throughout my life(not saying that for sympathy,its just a fact). I don't trust acts of kindness either though,it's why if someone is really nice or very kind I tend to keep them at a distance but it doesn't mean I don't care about them. This is also true for my everyday life. I care from afar.
So why am I worried about these listeners I barely know,well they deactivated without leaving any hint to the site that they were thinking of leaving and it seemed to be pretty out of the blue as they were both very active. It's also my 3rd night without sleep as I've mentioned, and i guess its causing my thoughts to starting to get irrational.
I also think my mind is playing tricks on me, really I'm anxious about something else and my mind is distracting itself and basically making up something to worry about because processing my true fears is too difficult right now.
Aw the mind and its great coping mechanisms,I really wish at times I could turn them off, then it wouldnt be so hard to figure out what was going on and just get on and deal with it.
Anyway I think thats enough rambling for tonight,must save energy for the long day ahead.
Hi @indigochildwithcherries
I'm sorry to hear that listeners here have added to your worries in that way. I agree with you that the way this website handles things when people leave is not so great. I've commented on it myself somewhere in these forums. On the other hand, while listeners do come and go, we are here as a community to show you that same kindness. All of us.
I hope you will have got some restful sleep before the day ahead of you, and that over time the listeners here can help you to process the fear and anxiety that keeps you awake.
@RarelyCharlie
Thanks for your response,
But I'm not blaming the listeners or the site in this case for how im feeling.
People come and go and thats ok,and neither listener had any reason to let me know that they were leaving.
I just hope their ok.
@indigochildwithcherries
I really hope today is manageable for you despite the lack of sleep.I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling with anxiety and insomnia - I hope it improves for you soon and if you need to talk please feel free to message me.
I am also vary of people who are really kind - its not what I am used to either, I know a few listeners who were very active in the forums who have taken a sudden self care break to address some personal issues and wanted to deactivate quietly without fuss.
I know when I am tired and anxious I go into overdrive too worrying about things that normally wouldn't bother me so much. I am sure these listeners will return when the time is right for them
take care and really hope you get some rest
Rose
@Rycochet
Thank you for your thoughtful response,
I'm hoping to sleep tonight.
I'm still feeling wired (note to self: debating does not help when your struggling with insomnia, mind your own business).
I feel like i have tried just about everything, from mindfulness to chamomile tea and anything I could think off inbetween, So I will be calling in sick(im not much use there anyway when im minus sleep) and going to the doctor tomorrow.
Who will probably prescribe me meds, which I hate the thoughts of going back on after so long doing well without them but I cant go on like this.....
@indigochildwithcherries
That internal debate, guessing and doubting can feel like total and complete torture at times - the tired brain has a way of recalling and observing even the most random of things.
Making that decision to seek medical help is a great step forward and I hope it is very helpful for you. Maybe a prescription short term will rest your body clock and allow a regular sleeping pattern to form.
Take care of you and remember there is a community here who genuinely want to be there when you need us
