Anniversary
I'm hesitant to post this, but 2 years ago I didn't know I was about to become pregnant. 2 years ago today, I didn't know I was about to be carrying a fetus.
I was too scared to take a pregnancy test until the first week of March. Once I did, I couldn't stop crying.
I was scared. My family didn't know we were sleeping together. We both had religious family who didn't want us having children before marriage. I was 21 years old, scared and living with some family, because technically, I was homeless. My boyfriend and I were not ready to be parents and hadn't even been dating for a year. We were both finishing college degrees, no time or room for a baby in 9 months.
My boyfriend and I cried for days and tried to figure out what to do.
I filled my water bottles with vodka and water, going into work and classes drunk, I was a waitress so no one asked, no one told, no one cared. I drank in hopes I might "lose" the pregnancy, nothing happened. I went to a clinic the 10th of March. They told my alcohol ridden breath at 10 am that I had a healthy fetus, almost 7 weeks old.
On the 17th of March, we went through with an abortion.
I'm telling you this in hopes of softening your hearts. Please be there for those who need you. Please don't be judgemental. Everyday I regret what I did. Be there for someone because you might not know who needs you and why. And please, be supportive, no matter what.
@Dreamworld1996
My dear Dreamworld! I'm so sorry this was something you had to suffer through in your life and are still suffering from. I send you *hugs* 
I imagine this is a pain that will never leave you! I wish you had, had people around you, to support you in your time of need. I appreciate your words of wisdom, to be extra kind, extra supportive, because none of us know what someone else is going through at any given moment.
I bring to you words of hope! Because you do care is why you can't seem to shake this feeling. I think this is something that may stay with you forever. But, we all do get to choose. Even if we feel as if we have made mistakes, any kind of mistakes, we can wake up in the morning and choose! It's hard, but simply telling yourself that today you give yourself a clean slate. You start over. Maybe today, that you finally forgive yourself and try to love yourself. That you understand the situation. And that you understand life can be so very hard at times!
None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Many of us walk through life with crosses to bear. Some of them are made of lead and crawling with fire ants is how we can feel some days.
Please be patient with yourself. Have you considered writing a letter, one that will never be mailed? Have you considered writing a letter to the one that you speak of? Asking them for forgiveness? Crying tears over the paper as your write each and every word. I would give yourself a lot of space and a lot of time to do this.
Are you a spiritual person in any way? If so, sometimes it helps to know that your intended recipient of that letter is out there some where in the universe. Something tells me they have all ready forgiven you. Maybe you will feel their presence when you are done with that letter or even the whole time while you write it?
I have never been through what you have been through but I can only imagine how very painful it is!
@SparkyGizmo thank you so much for your kind words. I can't express to you how nice it is to have someone be so sweet and supportive. It was very hard and I do regret it. I am spiritual, which is maybe why I regret it so much. I feel as though I will never get to heaven now. I pray to God most days asking for my forgiveness.
I will write the letter and see if that helps in any way. I haven't done that yet, but maybe it will make me feel better. I would go to my family about it but I have never told them because they are all very anti-abortion and have banned people in their lives previously for such a thing. I'm just scared to lose more people than I already have.
I hope your ray of light shines on many more and lifts their spirits. You have some very lucky people in your life. Thank you again for your kind words.
@Dreamworld1996
I'm so glad that my words moved you and brought you some comfort my friend! You deserve them. I think you have punished yourself so very much at this point.
As for me, I wouldn't feel the need to share this with your family members. Keeping this information to yourself is not being disingenuous at all. I guess one of the first parts of self care is refusing to stand around and debate with people that you know are firmly intent on disagreeing with you. They have made their choices in life. I imagine they might not be particularly proud of all of them either, and I'm guessing those are ones they wouldn't be sharing with you. Interesting how that happens, heh?
At the end of the day, don't you feel like this is between you, the one you speak of and your God? Let your God stand in judgment of you. I'm thinking that is the only person who is perfect and should be able to do so. I see that you are spiritual and a praying woman. I think God is very forgiving. Much more than these ole' humans we have running around on this earth, lol. If you are talking to him, sending him your "knee mail" I'm sure he is listening. My belief system is that when we pray, and we are truly regretful and ask for that forgiveness, It is given.
*hugs* Thank you for being so sweet and so kind to me too! If you would ever like to chat, feel free to pm me. *hugs* are free and I have lots of them
