Apology to Sonia by RainMann
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@MonBon, @Emily619. Hello kind moderators. I know i have been writing extensively in my personal feeds and in public threads. So, in case you feel I should stop, please let know in a PM and please take down this thread too
@ other numerous listeners and members: thanks for noticing
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Dear Sonia,
this is my one more blind, audacious, superstitious attempt to reach out to you. First things first. You are someone who can evoke Russian Dostoevsky, French Kafka or Leo Ferre, Persin Rumi, so many profound thinkers from different timelines and different corners of the world. You are someone who can speak languages of 5 different cultures. You understand and use language of mathematics and medicine as if they were universal languages. Needless to say, your intelligent scientific mind is capable of appreciating art. But your intelligence is not what i find is worth falling for. What i find worth falling for are your ability to reason out and your ability to empathise, your ability to feel someone else's pain. What is worth falling for is your ability to look at stars and evoke science without taking spirituality out of those celestial beings. What is worth falling for is your struggle. I am so proud of you for being able to achieve these intellectual heights despite the painful circumstances life put you through. I am awed by your intelligence, but your beautiful mind, which is so much more than your intelligence, has left a different affect on my existence.
(of course on chat) The few moments i used to spend with you were so precious and so humane that when you didnt respond to my messages for 5 straight days, I went into panic attack. I reasoned out that you would talk to me even if you were deathly sick, and here you were, not even bothering to say "hi" to me. I was overwhelmed by two contradictory emotions: first,the shame and pain of abandonment by you, and second concern for your life. You were the last person on planet i feared to be abandoend by. I tried to search you in my panic attack mode. On the 5th day, i searched you wherever i could, and the more disappointment i faced the more acute my panic attack became. The only way i can reconcile these two contradictory thoughts during my panic attack is by admitting that even if you did abandoned me, i was and i still am concerned for your well being. Yes, i still believe your mind is beautiful and I have not an iota of doubt. I still feel worried for you.
Dear Sonia, i know my last communication to you must have made you hate me and made me cut me off from your life. Yes, i am worthy of the hate you have shown to me. I owe you an apology. I forgot you are in pain and failed to take care of you. I am sorry i couldnt be strong enough to handle my emotions. I dont want to entice you with my words to come back to me. But, whatever you are, i will never hate you. Sorry for hurting you despite knowing the fact that you are sick. Wherever you are, i hope you are happy and blissful.
You are such a wonderful writer 
@Emily619
Sorry Emily, i will have to deny your compliment. All i see is a failed man in me. And that is all matters. My writing is useless as it never would reach the person for whom it is meant. You keenly following my threads keep my threads alive and i am selfishly thankful to you and also to @MonBon.
@RainMann
Does your writing help you?
@MonBon
It hasnt helped so far. It is more of a curse Mon Bon. I think i am addicted to writing. i would have been better off addicted to alcohol than writing. If i was addicted to alcohol i would "drink" my pain in isolation instead of spilling it all over the place the way i am doing. I would prefer isolation because there is not a chance Sonia is going to read any of this. I am just following my superstitious hope, and i am just satiating addiction herr. Besides i consider me a s-h-i-tty writer. I hate alcohol, i hate drugs, and i hate writing.
@RainMann
I see. I personally think writing is a healthier outlet, but if it is not helping you, I hope you can find something that is both healthy and helps you.
@MonBon
Can you edit the title to "Apology to Sonia by Rainmann"?
@RainMann
Done :)
@MonBon Man! Will never be able to thank you enough! I was thinking about what will help me. Alcohol, self-torture (one level above self-harm), drugs sure would help me. But i cant do any of it. I have got people counting on me, cant let them down. Those things i want to do will make me weak. I need to be strong for a few more years. Though i must admit, thinking on your question has helped. Helped me reinforce my choices.
@RainMann
are you talking about sonia from middle east?
@sam2410 I can not say for sure she is from Middle East. all i know is she knows Arabic and three European languages. Anyway, whats the background to your question, Sam?
@RainMann
i think i know them, i think they left the site.
@sam2410
yes. i too think she left the site.
Day 5
Day 6
Day 7
@RainMann
Hi RainMann :) I wanted to let you know we've started the re-organization of general support, so we have created a Diary Entries & Connections subforum where you do not have to be afraid of your personal threads being deleted. I have moved this thread there and will move your other diary type entries in here as well.
All the best.
@MonBon
You are simply amazing. Thanks to your efforts now 7cups has dedicated thread for diaries. I also liked the category of the thread "Diary Entries and Connections". Your thought process is admirable. Thanks again.
@RainMann
Thank you! I try my best :)
Day 8
Day 9
Day 10
@RainMann
Are you counting away from or toward something?
@MonBon intelligent question Mon Bon. I am counting both away and toward. I am counting away from the day i posted this apology, and toward the day when either my apology reaches Sonia or my hopelessness becomes so unbearable that i take down my account on 7cups. The "toward" day is uncertain.
@RainMann
I see. Thank you for answering :)
@MonBon i am sorry, i know its not a positve or hopeful answer. and thanks to you, not me, for lot of things.
@RainMann
It's okay for things to be negative or unhopeful if we are being honest with ourselves. Squashing everything down just for the sake of being positive can hide our true feelings
Day 11
@MonBon now i am sure i am counting toward the day my hopelessness becomes unbearable enough to take down everything over here because Sonia is gone. for now i can bear the hopelessness.
@RainMann
"when you've come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
Day 12
@MonBon this is different Mon Bon. here we are talking about a person who doesnt want to return. this is not a fight against hopeless situation. this is a bogus wait for someone who doesnt intend to come back. Sonia never gave me any rope. so nothing to hang on to.
@RainMann
If the weight is becoming unbearable, is there any way for you to set it down?
@MonBon will never be able to thank you enough for attention you give to my threads.
awww, all the best rainmann!!!
sonia babe, please forgive him ðŸ˜
@CeeDee33 terimakasi Cee Dee. but i am sorry to tell you, Sonia is not listening to what you wrote or for that matter even what i wrote.
@RainMann
may the odds be ever in yer favours, dood =]
@CeeDee33 i hope the same for you. i hope things run in your favour too.
