Apology to Sonia by RainMann
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@MonBon, @Emily619. Hello kind moderators. I know i have been writing extensively in my personal feeds and in public threads. So, in case you feel I should stop, please let know in a PM and please take down this thread too
@ other numerous listeners and members: thanks for noticing
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Dear Sonia,
this is my one more blind, audacious, superstitious attempt to reach out to you. First things first. You are someone who can evoke Russian Dostoevsky, French Kafka or Leo Ferre, Persin Rumi, so many profound thinkers from different timelines and different corners of the world. You are someone who can speak languages of 5 different cultures. You understand and use language of mathematics and medicine as if they were universal languages. Needless to say, your intelligent scientific mind is capable of appreciating art. But your intelligence is not what i find is worth falling for. What i find worth falling for are your ability to reason out and your ability to empathise, your ability to feel someone else's pain. What is worth falling for is your ability to look at stars and evoke science without taking spirituality out of those celestial beings. What is worth falling for is your struggle. I am so proud of you for being able to achieve these intellectual heights despite the painful circumstances life put you through. I am awed by your intelligence, but your beautiful mind, which is so much more than your intelligence, has left a different affect on my existence.
(of course on chat) The few moments i used to spend with you were so precious and so humane that when you didnt respond to my messages for 5 straight days, I went into panic attack. I reasoned out that you would talk to me even if you were deathly sick, and here you were, not even bothering to say "hi" to me. I was overwhelmed by two contradictory emotions: first,the shame and pain of abandonment by you, and second concern for your life. You were the last person on planet i feared to be abandoend by. I tried to search you in my panic attack mode. On the 5th day, i searched you wherever i could, and the more disappointment i faced the more acute my panic attack became. The only way i can reconcile these two contradictory thoughts during my panic attack is by admitting that even if you did abandoned me, i was and i still am concerned for your well being. Yes, i still believe your mind is beautiful and I have not an iota of doubt. I still feel worried for you.
Dear Sonia, i know my last communication to you must have made you hate me and made me cut me off from your life. Yes, i am worthy of the hate you have shown to me. I owe you an apology. I forgot you are in pain and failed to take care of you. I am sorry i couldnt be strong enough to handle my emotions. I dont want to entice you with my words to come back to me. But, whatever you are, i will never hate you. Sorry for hurting you despite knowing the fact that you are sick. Wherever you are, i hope you are happy and blissful.
Day 13
@MonBon yes, i can put the weight down with a bullet through my head, unless Sonia comes back and relieves me of the weight. but neither do i have a bullet nor the liberty ( not until about 20 odd years), and Sonia, of course now you too understand by now, is never coming back. so, i have no choice but to carry the weight without breaking under the weight. pretty tough task for me.
@RainMann
It can absolutely feel overwhelming to see only one option and have it be one that hurts. Do you think that with time there might be alternatives that aren't just carrying the weight alone - maybe sharing that weight with someone or slowly chipping away at the burden it sets on you until it's more manageable?
Day 14
@MonBon for me there is no such possibility as sharing it with someone. all possibilities ended with departing of Sonia. yes, it can be made more manageable though. no venting the way i am doing right now, no music, no driving, no smelling earth, no looking at sunset, no climbing mountains, no swimming, no connecting with nature, no new experiences, no creative pursuits, no art, sitting in a corner of room looking at wall, staying alive instead of living until it is time for me.
yesterday i read a post by someone that described a French lady thinker who asserted equal rights for women right after the French Revolution. The lady, at one point in her life, jumped in Thames when she found that her husband had mistress. drowning is such a painful experience and i have been through one. so, most certainly it wont be drowning for me. but the only option left sometimes is the one that appears painful. 20 more painful years! i shudder at the sheer length of the time span. i dont know why i had this urge for a soulmate instead of a partner. the case is i am not a proper fit for soulmate and stuff that i cherish. that implies i do not deserve what i cherish. all in all, it makes me a misfit for a life.
@RainMann
Partners can have the potential to become soulmates though, can't they?
@MonBon yes, there is possibility.
Day 15
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Day 22
