Ari's Journal - Entry 1 - The Lost Years

TW/CW: Alcohol/Drug dependency, Depression and related mental health issues, references to death

Hi, I'm Ari. So I've never really talked to myself about myself before. But, I just wanted to re-live the last years of my life just to realize how things have changed.

It all started with a photo. I found it on an old laptop of mine my brother had in storage. It was a picture taken of me six months after he and I lost our dad - two months before then our mom had passed away.

It was also the last picture that would be taken of me for the next 7 years. And, being honest, I don't remember the picture even being taken and have no recollection of that day. I was told it was a cousin's wedding, but that's about the extent of my memory. Looking at it, it's clear I was under the influence of a number of substances, back then most likely alcohol and marijuana.

Thus began the path of living from apartment to apartment, squatting where I could and working odd jobs just to stay high for as long as I could. It escalated a quite a bit from marijuana, eventually stronger hallucinogens or whatever pills I could get my hands on. That combined with untreated but diagnosed Bi-Polar 2 and crippling social anxiety, there were often times I would come to miles away from where I last remembered, sometimes as long as a ten-hour walk just to get somewhere familiar to me.

My problem was that I was too proud to ask for help, and even if I did I had no idea where to start. It was eventually my younger brother that found me. He took me in and was just there. He didn't push me into rehab or take me to a bunch of doctors. he sat next to me, slept at the foot of the bed, made me meals and just let me talk and tell stories. He waited for me to be ready to get the professional help while keeping me safe and sheltered.

And eventually I did. I left the clinic 10 months and 6 days ago, and have been completely sober. So now I look back at that photo taken all those years ago. I've found I like to recreate it and compare. Now, I just look so old. But I'm sober and healthy and okay.

And that's why I'm here at 7cups. After 7 years, my brother found me, and he was just there and listened to me. Didn't tell me what to do, didn't give advice - just gave me the healthy outlet that I needed. He's the reason I am a Listener - I want to share the gift that he gave me. Even on my worst days when I struggle to eat or get out of bed or smile, knowing I have someone who will always pick up the phone gives me that motivation I need, and if I can be that for even one person here at 7cups, it gives me the sense of self-worth and closure I desperately need to make up for the lost years.