A sharpie and a pen chronicles {Trigger Warning}

March 9th Morning:

Today has been a day. I woke up super early. I had class today where we worked on our final project and learned about linear motion and impulse. I was trying to figure out what my topic would be. I decided to make it on the Biomechanics of paramedics and the injuries that occur on the job and more things that follow the guidelines. I was not my best at school today felt really vulnerable and like I was going to get targeted but I texted some friends on my laptop and was able to get through these tough periods. I realized that it is okay to make mistakes and getting through your rough patches can be hard but it is maintainable.

Before class I managed to have a bit of a breakfast sandwich and some tea. Which I am not one for food but I am trying hard to recover and this is one step in recovery for me is eating even when brain says no but knowing that my body needs the food in order to learn and work towards my future. I had to pay off the deposit for college yesterday and that is not cheap it sets my mind on the pathway to my future and makes me feel more steady that my spot will be safe. I really am feeling like I can get back on track but making small steps and accepting that hiccups may come in my way. Sitting on the bus now is hard there are so many people around making my anxiety go crazy. Will they judge me, will they stare will they hurt me are all thoughts going through my head. At times my brain and thoughts are not very nice to me :( but I am trying to work towards changing the way of thinking. I think I am going to fight my ED voice now and go get that doughnut I want and say no to the thoughts that they say I am fat when im not. Trying to fight and not go with the ED voice but what I want. That was my morning will continue in afternoon.

I feel like chuncking allows me to process my day better and get through the day with less anxiety and less panic. Till later today.

- Alex

@grahzeymahzin @gentleflameofcaring

@SharpiePen glad to hear you are trying to be productive. Our expectations can exaggerate how much we really could do. Sounds like you on a path to success.

March 9th - Rest of day

I ended up being really productive tonight and managed to talk to someone that is about 12 hours time difference on the phone and it really helped me have a break from what was going on and be in the moment. I am super worried about school and travel in the next week due to the virus and possibly getting me ill. That is a big worry. I had a nap this evening and worked on my bullet journaling using sharpies of course and it was super amazing and an eye opener for me managed to make a gratitude and quotes page. I got some of my schoolwork done and started to pack for my trip. Then some things happend that made my mood dip.

I went and isolated myself in my room and really just sat thinking and having all the lights turned off and setting into a pit of sadness. It was not the best thing and really wish I coped better in this situation. I got out of this mindset and was able to open up and do some self care and draw and have some tea and cuddle with my dog which was really helpful for me. Now I am sitting here reading a book and thinking about making a camomile tea before curling up and hoping that the nightmares will not wake me. Those have been really bad as of lately.

I am honestly feeling less stressed out and more rested in past day which has been a change from the past and I am so grateful that I have a break and am able to focus on myself and figuring out my wants and my needs. It is so positive and I am learning experience for sure.

Some days you may think that it was for the worse when it was for the better and realizing that it is okay to make mistakes. I am young and still learning I have lots left to learn and still grow. I am going to college next year, moving away from home to start my own future. That is a nervous step that I am scared about but it is really amazing and something I am looking forward too.

As I sat here writing this I think in the coming days I will write things that I am thankful for or one Rose in the day (if you know what the one rose and a thorn exercise is) I think that is something that I will start adding so I will start today.
One thing that I am thankful for today is: Having the opportunity to talk to my friend and focus on me and not everyone else

A quote that I found today is really keeping me going It is from Dr Seuss.

@lulurings @soulsings

Tuesday, March 10th

It has been a day. I can not really say what kind of day but not the best or the worse day. I ended up sleeping, trying to eat and talking to a friend. I am so worried and isolating myself a lot lately and people are beginning to notice this. That is not a good thing I hope the parent does not pick up on this. I did some of my schoolwork again the giant project I have to do on Biomechanics of paramedics and common injuries and preventions as it is worth 15% of my final mark and am worried I may not succeed it is not due till April at least.

Sitting on the couch with my dogs today petting my dog and the small little dog snoring on my lap really got me emotional and fearful this was a new experience. I was able to work through these feelings and be able to cope and manage on my own. I talked to a friend a bit and tried to figure out a text message to someone that I care about but really do not want them knowing what is going on with me and them worrying about me but they are beginning to catch on to me not doing so well. I will cover that when it gets to it.

Had a talk with my dad today about our trip and that went as good as it could of went. I then read my book but got triggered by it so put it down and started to do a meditation and it got me calmed down. Really starting to see the value in meditation and it is so amazing and super glad I am using this skill more and more. I took time for myself and showered and made a cup of tea and did things I love and it was really peaceful. I let the worry of today and the future slide a way and focused on myself and that I am really grateful for.

I am worried about a friend that started a new med and is experiencing side effects and it just worries me and scares me if the effects could get worse. I hope she is okay we will see on that. I took a breather and thought positively and the positives of the meds and what they could do to benefit and did some grounding too!

Taking time and learning how to do self care has been a process but its been built up and now I realize how much I can do it and the benefit in it. This is all so far today that has gone on. I will add more later today if I feel okay too but had the moment now to process my day and this has felt nice to do and is helping me as well with self care.

- Till next time

Sharpie

My Story Starting from when I was put into Care.
I was put into care at 13 when I decided that I could not manage at home. I was a run away who was scared at home. When I was at home I slept in my closet for about 3 months because that is the only place that I could keep them out.

Numerous missing person reports and hospital trips and staying in the hospital because I was scared to go home after some blow ups and really heightened situations at home. I was supposed to stay there a week… 1 month 3 days later after a case meeting Child Protection took custody of me and sent me to a accessing and receiving group home. This was stop one on my journey.

I was a scared 13 year old. Being exposed to people drinking, having drugs and being violent. I did not know how to manage this. This really got me close to one of the child and youth workers. We sat in the office when it was too violent outside an talked about my future and what I wanted to do. I had only been there a few days. I was still scared and shy and afraid to come out of my shell. He told me this. If one door closes there is always another door open, another opportunity if that door closes there is a window. Take time to find the right path that works for you. Him telling me this message stuck with me. I began to have a bond with him. 1 month 1 week after being in the assessing and receiving group home they told me I was moving 3 hours north to a farm to get support with them knowing that I could be emotionally disregulated. I had been a runaway at the group home scared and so young and not experiencing the world around me.

So off I went three hours away with my case worker where she stayed an hour and got everything signed in for me. Then left me in the middle of no where on a farm. A 13 year old kid scared and feared that the coyotes would get me at night or someone would come into my room. Which did happen every hour because they came in with a flashlight to check if we were okay. There were about 5 cabins I had my own room surrounded by concrete walls and it was cold in there. I had a shelf and a desk and a bed concrete floors and walls. It was more peaceful then the group home at least.

I began school the next day I was there and it was cool I had some great teachers and we worked at our own pace in the subjects that we were given. For gym we went skiing, to play pickle ball and on hikes. It was an experience that I could say made me more comfortable there. I had always been really passionate about my studies and caring about marks and my future and kept up my work habit even with all the fears that I had been having.

Then something happened at the farm… I had barricaded myself in my room, I was scared and crying and did not want one of the staff near me … He had done something terribly wrong to me that night on his nightly check in. I can not remember it too well I remember being in so much pain and him saying do not tell anyone and it felt like hours he was in there doing this to me. Right when he left I was disoriented and scared I blocked my door with the mattress it was not too hard to do as we had double fire doors. The staff tried to get in. I was too weak and scared to get up and open it, I was in too much pain it was too much. They ended up climbing in through the window and calling an ambulance for me. I remember the one staff that I had a connection with coming to the hospital with me. Not much of what happened that day. Just when I really came back to them asking me for consent to do a kit because they saw signs of me being sexually assaulted. I had the kit done and stayed in the hospital to heal and recover and till the police came to do their investigations. They fired the staff that did this horrible thing to me and then I went back to the farm.

I could not really see the farm as a safe place anymore I ran away and the police brought me back. I had to call my case worker and tell her I do not feel safe here I need to go back to accessing and receiving to get a new placement. After about a month of going back and forth with the case worker I went back to accessing and receiving. The staff that I had built a bond with was retiring shortly after I got there and it was such a different atmosphere. I felt as though I was an outsider. Because of this fear that people would hurt me I ran away every day. I was 14 at this time. I ran away and they had to report me as missing. They tried to bribe me to stay there but nothing had worked. Eventually they had found me a new placement at a girls only group home not far from the previous place. I moved there and ran away in the first day. Then some things changed the cordinator there I really began to have a bond with her. Even though I was not eating and letting my eating disorder get worse she saw the light in the end of my dark tunnel. She told me some stories of her past that really helped me to see past all the hard times I was getting in. By this time I was allowed to have monitored visits at the CPS office and then the day came for one of the set meetings.

I will continue this my story later as it is getting to be too much to type out.

I got myself a little bit in a situation today and it was on site. I feel bad for my actions. I could not compose myself and just leave it alone. When people start to instigate me it makes it really hard for me to be able to cool down and come back to. That may be part of the BPD and just me not having a good day. I think I will try to cope better and not let this happen again. I honestly feel bad. I got overly triggered when an inappropriate link got shared and it really made me on high alert. I know better then to engage im not too sure what got into me this is not like me :( I wish I never acted like this. I am so devastated in myself and I am going to try so hard to not let it occur again ever with anyone. I should not of done what I did. I am sitting here crying and shaking and feeling worthless like I messed up I want to apologize so bad but I cant its hard to cope and get through the tough times when you can not appoligize to the individual too. I need to get better at using my mute button and knowing when to step away. I need to calm down I cant keep panicking and crying it is not good for my health. I think I am going to log off and try to get calmed down so it does not occur again.

@heather225 @lulurings @soulsings @vickyp @zataarhoney

March 11

Today I am going to make it short

I have a really bad headache and have been feeling super down. I really sat and went to a meeting on a MH app i volunteer on and that was as productive as I could of been today. I cried alot and lied in bed and really just stayed to myself. Talked to a old mentor of mine and shared about getting into college they were really proud about that. Made me smile. We talked about dogs though. My dog licked my hand and foot today and would not play with her toy so I was really confused about this. Well my head hurts so I am going to have some water and rest now. Dont really feel like journalling much more today. I wish I could but health comes first and I am going to focus on recovering from this.

I go away on friday hopefully the flight does not get cancelled looking forward to the warmer not -20 C degree weather. Also looking forward to going to steak and shake where we go every time we go to this place. WIll be different this time will have to do schoolwork and work on final projects but will have a great time I hope.

Till Next TIme

I may continue more later not sure yet see how I feel or what goes on

Hope you get your vaca would be welcome relief.

March 13 (Oh its friday the 13th) What travel day ended up being

Sitting at home not going on vacation because the government is not letting us do any unessecary travel so that did not happen. Planned a road trip to NB but that got deleted too now sitting here I watched a movie with me dad and it was nice and peaceful something we had not done in a while.

Went shopping today I really can not figure out why everyone is buying toilet paper, the news story said cotenel is still making toilet paper there is tons it just needs to be shipped out. The shelfs were bare giving me the feeling the world is ending when I know it is not. My classes in school are cancelled then found out we will be doing them via video session for 2 hours a day. I guess that is good unlike the public schools who do not have the resources to do that. I realized that I can get through the hard times. Everyone is pancking over the virus. Until now I was not worried only thing now im worried about is being quarentined and not having enough food for the dog. I have about a week of food here now and plan to get some more for her tommorow so that worry will be gone. I know right worry about the dog before me. That is just who I am and really that is okay. She keeps me sane and calm she is what keeps me waking up every morning not dreading the day.

I took her up the block today which I had not done for a long time seeing how happy she is made me smile too. We always think that the big things in life make us happy when how I see it, its the little things that really matter. So 3 weeks at home wondering if I will go stir crazy. It is 3 weeks right now but we are thinking it could be more depending. Wondering if travel out of the provience will be banned. For some they are loosing there school year and I feel bad for them. Me having the opportunity to be in private makes me glad and grateful that my 12th and final year in school is not ruined.

I think that truely it is the little things n life to be grateful for. I started a grattude journal on a app called grateful a gratitude journal where they give you a prompt it really is helping me out. Finding small things that helps are pushing me along this journey. I went to the bank today... Lets just say that was not sucessful.......

They want me to stay on a youth account and not pay but the thing is I need e transfers... And to have no feels and only be able to use my debit card 12 times a month without a fee is what my disability covers, Or I am paying 30$ a month for the highest account which lets just say I can not afford on my income. I have to pay 500 in rent then my food and phone bill and things for my dog. That is not possible to have to spend that much just to be able to use my card. I am going to keep the youth account till 19 and then get a new account with another bank that does not have these fees.

Adulting is hard and really i am learning this as the days go on.... Maybe I will go buy a new book and start reading it. I have one on mindfulness that I am almost finished going to read that tonight it should be amazing to finish. I feel like reading is an escape for me and really I need to start setting time aside in the day to read. That is something I am trying now too. Going to go read now I think and watch the rest of my movie with my dad maybe start another one too and fall asleep on the couch.

So for now goodnight

March 14th

It has been a day of doing nothing. I started to binge watch a show and follow eating food to what I am supposed to do with my meal plan. I decided to eat a fear food and buy some cookie dough and make cookies! I managed to eat 2 of them that is a big step in my recovery. I can do this it means I can do so much more in my day to day, I am really struggling with all the virus talk and everyone going day to day saying the world is ending and it is influencing me negatively. I have not been sleeping well from all it.

Making this short as not much has happend!

Till next time