BurkeDevlin / CaloenasNicobarica All-Purpose Chat Thread
@CaloenasNicobarica Excellent idea, to find a place to chat so as not to drown the feed with our verbosity, prolixity, and loquaciousness. Picky eater? Me? I just swallowed a thesaurus!
Speaking of the feed, thanks for the kind words. It hasn't been the easiest week or so. I have a lot of act to get together and sometimes it seems overwhelming. I'm a worrier and a chronic overthinker sometimes - in those moods I tend to withdraw.
My daughter can be counted on to vacuum up those nachos. Picky she isn't - nigh-omnivorous, rather. She even eats shrimp and scallops. Brr.
What's on your mind? How goes the math and programming?
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, how is everything going? Did you finish that class this week?
I am trying to take the weekend to recover from my Boston trip. It was pretty intense all around. I woke up with a killer headache today, and my kids unfortunately were not cooperating. At one point my daughter dropped a bunch of boxes and trash in the living room in front of the stairs and told me, "I'm leaving that there because I'm going to use it later, and I don't want to hear it."
Uh, no. Not how things work here.
My sister called today with a business opportunity she needs a tech person for. I spent an hour giving her some advice and told her to call back in a couple of weeks to see if I'd been fired. If she needs actual help, I'll try, but I did tell her I have a divorce going on and my mental health is not so great.
Good news is my shoulder is feeling better. Getting back in the exercise routine. And got a lot of calories on the company's dime up in Boston!
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Oh Burkeyboo, been kinda AFK lately... I have things to say to you. You've been in my thoughts lately, even though I've been offa here. A mix between depression monster and misanthropy, some very dark thoughts. I hope you're doing well. But I'm a bit worried about you for several reasons. I know you're a grown man and can handle anything that is thrown at you, but we all have our weaknesses and society praises ignoring one's problems and feelings for the ease of appearing graceful and fulfilled. Appearing, but not necessarily being. Anyway, take care of yourself. Glad you got out a bit.
Passed my OB class, but coulda done better. Mainly high anxiety coupled with a possessed exercise bike making racket during my proctored exam. X_X; Thought they were gonna stop me because of that stupid noise- it's not my bike but some monstrosity puer picked up because random fitness inclination that is now long gone. I'm on UI Design right now, it's pretty easy for me just a lot of stuff to review and remember. Think I'll get a CIW cert from this but whatever. Feel pretty sick because I accidentally opened an e-mail from my advisor only to have it barf this stuff about how some dude with a newborn family to take care of ended up doing 106 credits in less than 6 months.
Needless to say, it's pretty demotivational for someone like me who doesn't have a stable environment and is working through some pretty thick mental stuff. Yeah, kinda have said this before... but still he spams this kinda stuff and says it's true devotion. BZZT-wrong. Still working up enough gall to tell him this doesn't work for me without seeming like a d-bag. I find it way more motivational when I hear about people's successes on here. Even if they're tiny steps or goals. Because they ARE learning, struggling, and growing. Not so sure about these other people that my school idolizes. Kinda like how high schools get all wide-eyed at the varsity and overachieving students- they already make them look good. A very narcissistic kind of view. Anyway, I'm trying to recover from quite a few things lately... and finish this class in time. However, I feel like if I were a drinking woman I'd throw back a couple and try to forget I ever looked at that stupid e-mail. Because SOME of us can't get nearly half of our credits and classes done in six months.
Anyway, I'll talk to you again sometime soon.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, I'd missed you! Nice to see you around. I understand about those dark thoughts, I get them too and sometimes go off to deal with them, but I'm very glad you've found your way back. 
Please don't feel bad or demotivated in comparison to other students who may or may not even exist. Clearly the school is pressuring you to move through the program as quickly as possible so they can take your money and move on to the next one. If you're getting a lot of learning out of the arrangement, it's worth it to grit your teeth and bear it, just don't take that stuff to heart, OK?
I'm telling you as Burke, the Engineering Manager as well as Burke, your friend, that if someone came to me for a job and told me they had completed an entire computer science curriculum in less than 6 months (with a newborn!), I would laugh them right out of my office. There's just no way they learned even CS fundamentals in any depth. They are not ready for professional programming. If you broke a leg, would you see a doctor who had finished medical school in a 6-month sleep deprived state? If you were being sued, would you hire a lawyer who had gotten her JD in less than 6 months?
If you do decide to take it up with your advisor, you can quote me on that.
However your school's bean counters feel about it, you're doing it the right way, Nic. Taking your time, absorbing the material, and supplementing your learning with outside sources and projects of some depth. You'll be able to answer the interview questions that Speedy Gonzalez is going to flub. Again, you are totally doing it right, and I'm so impressed with how you continue to progress despite adversity. Don't feel bad for a moment.
It means so much to me that you're thinking of me, and thinking well of me. Thanks as always for all the good vibes! I did re-read my post, and should make clear that, "…call back in a couple of weeks to see if I'd been fired" was said mostly tongue-in-cheek. I don't think things are quite that bad! Just pretty stressful. I think (hope) a lot of the dominoes will fall into place once I can get this divorce signed off on. When I think about it, I think it's mostly the uncertainty that's keeping me in a bad state. Hopefully sailing will be smooth and then maybe I can start to rebuild a little.
Hey, this week I went to a recruitment event for a Philly-based theater group! Everyone was nice, I mean really nice. I can't really audition or do tech for the show because of my schedule, but I might well join up and find a way to contribute. I miss doing theater.
*HUGS* See you soon, hopefully this weekend. Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Much to say Burkeyboo! Glad you met some awesomely nice people. <3 Gonna update tonight and hopefully be able to interact with you more lately. BTW feel free to ping me on here or via the feed- I'm usually available to BS about anything. Holidays comin' up. Can hardly believe this year is almost over. Anyway, got an appointment right now. Will continue this later. Sending my holiday wishes to you.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, you! Yes, we must chat. I look forward to hearing how things are going with you!
The holidays are definitely on the way. I went to the mall on an errand at lunch today, and all the Christmas stuff is out, music playing, the whole business. Are you a fan of the holidays? I know you said they are a reflective time for you, as they are for me. I refuse to get cynical about them, though. Part of me still enjoys the colors and lights and music, like I'm a little kid. It definitely doesn't hurt that I finally get some time off from work! A 4-day weekend feels like Heaven right now. And I'm taking off the week between Christmas and New Year's. There will be at least 2 days in there where I do nothing but what I feel like, with no guilt whatsoever.
I am going to Boston Thursday morning (early in the morning), hopefully for some final interviews that will lead to a hire into my group. This is to finally replace the guy who left in September. It's been a pretty grueling process. Boston's always nice, although this time I won't be in the city. Actually in a suburb where I used to live. (So I know where to get good Mexican!)
Oh, this weekend the kids and I went to a small comic-con near us, and also found a retro video game store. Totally geeked out. It was like walking back into 1982. Meanwhile, in 2017, my lawn still needs to get raked and garage cleaned out.
Ex is still driving me a little nuts, but whatever. I dare to believe that 2018 is going to be a better year. I deeply hope it is for you too. 
@BurkeDevlin
Certainly! It's been ages since we've sat down and had a late night chat session. Not to mention some fun mathematical times. :)
IKR! All the glittery pretty trees, holiday tunes, etc. like you just said. I LOVE the holidays! Even though they are one of the hardest times for me in terms of working through my trauma and the like. Sometimes I can get pretty cynical over stuff... but I still love the base thing of the holidays. Food, presents, that fun and excited air of celebrating. Kinda similar to the fact that I'm still very much a little kid about things. I have a pretty good reaction to presents still. XD Wow, a 4-day weekend with the busiest Sir on the planet, eh?! Phenomenal! <3 You need to take it easy more often Mr. Burkeyboo!
Hoo... things've been a little somber for me. Lately, I've been working on some of the most fierce trauma. Stuff that lands me into "Crying the entire session land". That was the first time I did that and couldn't hold myself together. It was in regards to working with the bullying/scapegoating that occurred in my family and from others. Not to mention near Halloween is when my closest thing to a mother's birthday is. I can't remember when she died...but it was maybe the fall or winter. Just pretty messed up stuff- especially around what the family did to me. Anyway, I've also gone out to very lively and crowded places- though a little awkward...I can handle myself pretty well nowadays. Find that when I do my check-ins and talk to you and other folks on 7cups I do better socially in the ol' IRL. Not that on here isn't IRL, but you get my drift.
So dealing with puer has been rather strange lately. I mean, when isn't it? XD He's actually kinda been straightening up or something. C_c; It's weird. I guess bringing marriage counseling into it has already kinda did something? I'm still leery and not going to expect him to change. Change lies in the power of ourselves- and I just don't really see that happening. Maybe surface-wise or for a short time... but nah. I'm taking it as it comes. He's been okay to deal with but very bratty and entitled here and there. As for myself, I'm improving more and more. Just gotta address my work ethic/stamina, focus, and health routines. I wanna do more! Much more.
Y'know even with all that, I've actually bought him presents this year. I don't really have much money or any due to my situation, but it's shared kinda. I want my own money and bank account so bad. It's a weird thing to wish for, but I look forward to managing my own money and having a place in my name alone. Puer doesn't believe in that. X_X; It's like one of the most controlling behaviors in the book. Not cool. But it's not like I wouldn't be honest with someone in a relationship about those things if they got serious- within reason. Anyway, I got him a Keurig some MtG and Star Trek loot. It was fun shopping for him. But as the holidays are kind of a mixture. Very bittersweet. Certainly, a time of reflection as you said.
Ah! The interview stuff continues! Been wondering how that's goin' for ya. You guys must have a rigorous process for that or it's just been busy! Never thought to get good Mexican in Boston. XD Over here every other restaurant is a home-style Mexican restaurant. Grr! Want some Mexican pizza now. lol My advisor is gonna have a developer come for us to ask questions to. I need to respond to that e-mail... but everyone is asking about trends and buzz words. I'm not interested in those- machine learning is waaaay over my head right now. I do like AI and robotics stuff, though. Automation. One guy kept repeating the word sustainable over and over again and I flipped out at the screen. XD Oh lord... I asked stuff like the buzzword thing to you before, but now I feel like prying for more practical stuff. "What are the most useful skills you take for granted every day in your profession?" "What do you wish you would've learned as a beginning programmer that you ended up learning on the job?" Stuff like that. Hm? Do you think those're okay? Heck! I wouldn't mind if you asnwered in your AMA thread. lol
Wheee! Game stores. A place this Pigeon frequents. Dude, retro games get SUPER freakin' pricey. Nintendo released these NES/SNES reboots and they instantly sold out. SO SAD. I wanted them. Stupid neck-beards! *shakes fist* Alright, my rage is over. I have a couple NES consoles floating around and some games. A PS2/PS3/PSP. Used to have a Sega master system with the works. We have two bookshelves full of games new and old. It's a little sad. lol Sounds like you and the kids had some fun! I'll let you know if they do a re-release of the NES or SNES things so you can get one if you want. Hooking up the older systems is so fun. Sometimes you just want simple. Here. A fun video for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYjgHLFZMa0
EPROM. LOLOLOL. Ahhh, nerds don't really change.... Though that one mom who offered to bake a pie was awesome. Feel like she'd be replaced by the angry yet vapid soccer mom who hurls Starbuck's holiday cups at the fellow.
Of course she is. Feel like folks like that get way worse during the holidays. Like some switch is flipped and it's OH! Sweet destruction and mayhem time! Scary. Many family memories, and puer doesn't exactly make things inviting at times. Not to mention the looming cursed inlaw cloud. I don't deal with them anymore, but puer usually has miasma dripping off of him from dealing with them. Extra poisonous time, but like you...trying to make the best of it. AND YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT! It will be a better year! I'll non-alcoholicly toast to that! Wish I could get you a present, but 7cups rules and all. Maybe I'll post you a card on here or a hand-written letter. And thanks! Hope it's profitable in many ways for you.
@CaloenasNicobarica Oh, I didn't tell you the NES Classic story. So last year they came out and were one of the popular 'things' that no one could keep in stock, but my ex had gone out on Black Friday and gotten one for the kids to give to me. This is after we'd agreed to split but before she moved out, so we were still in the same house. However - she later sold it to one of her co-workers to spite me because I insisted on taking the week after Christmas off to spend with the kids. She'd wanted them to herself that week. So she made sure to bring up that I was going to get an NES Classic, but since I 'stole her vacation', now I wasn't.
So that's why I don't have an NES Classic. Oh well. I have plenty of things to do.
That video was great! Now I know I've seen that guy on something else, and I can't for the life of me remember what.
Retro games can definitely be pricey, but we got some good deals. My son got a Spider-Man PS2 game. (PS2 is 'retro'? I'm gonna cry.) When I was learning 6502 assembler to program the Atari, I was on some forums and there were people discussing vintage game collecting, which made me want to get into it. At the time I thought maybe when I had some space (I was in my bachelor pad at the time, no room even for my comics, which were still in Mom's attic), I would do that. Now I could make the space but don't really have the funds. Maybe when I have the ex paid off in a few years - although then college will be looming!
I will definitely make some time to answer those questions as best I can! Please remind me if I'm slow. I'd do it tonight, but I have to get to bed shortly as I will be up at a very ungodly hour tomorrow to catch that plane. Just took my sleeping pills so I don't psyche myself into being awake all night - which has happened.
I'm glad things have gotten better for you lately, or at least that you've gotten a break. I'm glad you're looking forward to the holidays, even though the associations aren't all positive. Please plan to come join me here for a Christmas chat, if you can and would like. The kids will be here to open their presents, but they won't be here all day, and I'll have no other plans. That would be the nicest present I could get from you.
Well, winging it to Boston tomorrow and I must pack - sweet dreams!
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey Pigeon! Back from Boston - no impromptu dates this time, just a whole bunch of interviews that will hopefully bring me a new team member shortly. I did have some Colombian Fudge Explosion ice cream at Lizzy's in Waltham, which might be the best ice cream parlor on the planet. Worthy of taking a selfie in front of it.
Not so much sleep, though. And if you get divorced in NJ and have kids, you have to complete this long online class, which took up a lot of my spare time this week. Personally I enjoyed taking AI algorithms much more, but at least this is one step forward on my own personal Freedom Trail.
How are your classes going? How about the counseling? Sending you some good vibes across the continent!
@BurkeDevlin
Hooo. Burkeyboo. I just passed with a 90/100. No webcam issues or crashing! Whee! I'm free for now save the speaking with my term break counseling and my advisor. Holy carp that was down to the wire. And YAY! I qualify for my financial aid. Oh man, we gotta sit down and chat one of these days. Soon! So feel free to tag me on here whenever- or I can bother at you at the usual later hours. Believe our little thread needs a new post from me to help decorate for the holidays.
Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. I know the holidays can be a tricky time when you deal with certain people, but so far I'm trying to have fun with it. We talked about it before, gotta enjoy the holidays and stuff with a child-like wonder or some such thing. XD I got a box of chocolates today for passing my exam. I gotta wonder if my advisor had bets running on if I'd pass or something lolol.
Happy Holidays to you, Mr. Burkey! Got some reading/catching up to do with you. :)
@CaloenasNicobarica Congratulations!! With the strong finish and financial aid, you must feel like a huge weight is off your shoulders. A box of chocolates sounds like a perfect celebration to me. I actually have a carton of Belgian Chocolate in the house right now, and I may just eat the whole carton if no one stops me. Seriously, way to go and I am so proud of you.
How was your Thanksgiving? What did you do, anything? The kids were with my ex, so I did nothing. I ate chili. I am just so glad to be off for 4 days, though, believe me, I didn't care. I really needed this break, even though I just spent a couple of hours catching up on some work and have a bit more to do tomorrow.
I was remembering back to earlier Thanksgivings and the traditions we had, we used to drive up to my grandmother's in Jersey City. And I used to dread that drive, because my sisters all insisted on listening to 'Alice's Restaurant' on the radio. Nic, I hate that song. I can't even articulate why, exactly, but it annoys the hell out of me. And it's like an hour long. It would take us halfway up the turnpike. Every year I want to send a Christmas card to whomever invented the Walkman. Saved my life.
Speaking of the holidays - the kids came here Thursday night and left this morning. (With a brief coda when my irate ex brought my son back in tears because she thought he'd left his hat here - he hadn't - nothing like your 7-year-old clinging to you in fear while his mom screams at him. And she has the nerve to insinuate that the kids cry when they have to come here and don't want to stay. BS.) Last night, the 3 of us put Christmas songs on the digital TV station and just talked for two hours before bed. About our favorite Christmas traditions, and ones we want to establish in the future. I love those moments of relaxation and bonding with them, without a million other things that need to get done. This morning we woke up and had pancakes. It was really, really nice.
Let's see, what else is going on…I hired someone for the Boston office, finally. He starts on 12/11, so until I get another headcount I don't have to worry about recruiting for awhile. I do have to go to Atlanta next Sunday - Tuesday for a management offsite. Not much else - looking forward to that Christmas break!
And looking forward to talking to you soon! Now that you are basking in your 90/100 glory. Catch you tomorrow or during the week, maybe.
Have a great night and congratulations again!
@BurkeDevlin
Hoo! Thanks! XD It totally is. LOL The box I got was also Belgian chocolates! OMG There's so many, and two layers. They're good quality, the kind where it's hard to eat them all at once. I've had a handful of them already- but I've SO got to stop myself from eating one each time I pass by it. Can sympathize!
Thanksgiving was good, no blowups or anything like that. Made some food, just a little bit since I usually don't have anyone over- just me and puer. Sometimes he goes over to his family's. I remember MIL tried to put Thanksgiving for the cult on me at one point. Yeah- gonna cook for everyone that hates me. Pretty g-damned logical. e_e; Glad I have the ovaries to say no. lol Anyway, watched some Macguyver and it was pretty chill. The day after I don't do Black Friday stuff- we usually get a tree and go to Taco Bell. Yes. That IS a tradition. XD Dude! They outlawed chainsaws at the lot we got to, in the northwest where I live EVERY guy has a chainsaw and there's a lot of U-cut places. But some insurance thing. Hmm... it was still very... lonely. You can't really be close to such people when they are so poisonous and far away even when things go "well" with them.
Glad you were able to get some breathing room! Good lord, you deserve a break. I hope the chili was at least tasty! Your work seems to not leave your side. I hope you take a real vacation where you're not called every so often for technical explosions or playing catchup. It feels so good to be able to just do simply nothing or what you really want to sans obligations! But...I do get my situation is quite a bit different.
LOLOL OMG Alice's Restaurant. One of those talking country songs. Y'know... it's like the drawling incessance of how a rather self-absorbed or narcissistic person is. How it goes on and on ad nauseum. It's cute the first or second times. But geez. I can def sympathize with you! The gent who invented the Walkman was a very industrious fellow. Nobutoshi Kihara would have prototypes available practically the next day or the day of discussing an idea. He worked on a lot of useful stuff. So glad I never had any siblings. XD
Nothing like an irate ex to put the resentment of ol' St. Nick in ya. The more you mention about her she is very much like my own mom. However, even though there was that unpleasantness, I'm glad you were able to at least see them and chill holiday style. It's fun to establish new traditions and speak about the older ones that are favorable. Y'know what's funny... we got a Costco membership the other day and I got bingo-ed at checkout because of our industrial-sized bag of pancake mix. Asked if we had children and I got pretty silent. Puer managed to divert with "It's a Sunday tradition." without insinuating anything further. XD Tis the season for apparently only parents to celebrate. I just say the cats are kids, anyway. lol But there is a definite kinda "magic" with the wonder of children at these times of year. One that should be mirrored in enthusiasm by adults. My personal opinion, of course. But I do get how the holidays can be hard.
So...I did something miraculous. Dunno if I ever mentioned this. But I never do very well at strategy games against people. Against computers, okay. But... I actually beat puer in a game of Risk. We were watching MacGuyver for our holiday stuff with random holiday fireplaces in between. After I beat him he complimented me and then had the nerve to insult me by saying I was horrible to play with before because I'd get so frustrated. So yeah, Risk + Malignant Narcissist = Frustration to say the least. All I said was I'm changing. I wanted to share a couple articles with you. Ones that had little keys to me realizing stuff about who I'm dealing with that may be helpful to you. If anything, I'm learning to keep cool and navigate BS properly.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/
https://www.chumplady.com/2014/09/the-mindfuck-channel-only-has-three-stations/
What I've learned so far: Don't listen to the content in their mindf***ery. Find out why you felt the need to stay with them or put up with their BS. Don't focus on trying to "fix things" but about healing and caring for yourself. Don't let them overtake your life by letting them live in your head, even though they are so freakin' obnoxious. That's what they want.
"Remember: toxic people dont argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Dont feed the narcissists supply – rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead." From the Thoughtcatalog article above.
Anyway, hope those're useful to you.
Wow, you always sound so busy. It took awhile for that person to get hired...then again I'm kinda a lifen00b so maybe not? Glad you finally got someone there to fill the gaps. Hope your Christmas break will be restful. <3
OH! Shiat. I just remembered. I'm on break but I'm struggling with what learning resources to use. Whether I should stick to LPTHW or my comp science course. Feel like I do better with LPTHW because in the comp science course you use an interpreter within the course. Whereas I have more freedom with LPTHW because it's using my own editor and shell for execution. They also throw you right into it whereas the comp sci one is pretty slow with it but includes cool historical tidbits. Meow. I also ordered a math book. I ordered the one that was older but I think the one you told me to get was the newer one where it was the yellow workbook on Amazon. I plan on buying a care-package for myself after the holidays, so I can get it later I guess. So many things to do, so little time!
Look forward to seeing more of you again!
@CaloenasNicobarica Thank you so much for the links and advice there. What you wrote was exactly what I need to remind myself at this moment. You are so right about people like that thriving on the drama and the conflict. That is my ex in a nutshell. If she can't corner me in person or on the phone, she'll send these long emails full of not only rants and insults, but little digs to try and prod me into fighting back and getting into it with her.
It took me a long time to understand the mindset of someone who breathes conflict like oxygen, the way she does. I'm still not sure I do, but at least now I can take a few deep breaths, remind myself, as you say, that her behavior is the problem, not me, and cut off the oxygen supply. Some days it's not easy! But if I'm going to build my life back up, I've got to stop giving her space in my head.
Seriously, I really appreciate you and your support.
Congratulations on your well-earned conquest of Puer, even if only at the Risk board. Yeah, you're 'horrible to play with' - because you kicked his butt! It is actually nice that you guys can do stuff like that and celebrate holidays together in spite of the problems you're having.
And OMG, after 25 years, you may have pinned down as well as anyone why I can't stand "Alice's Restaurant". Don't get me wrong, I'm all about peace and love and sticking it to the Man, but does half an hour of hippie stream-of-consciousness really need to be experienced every single year? It's like you pulled that out of my head. No wonder you're such a brilliant writer.
Yeah, it did take awhile to hire that guy. It's how it goes, though. It's a delicate operation you have to get right. I just found out I may be getting another headcount as soon as January, so I may get to do it all over again! Expanding the group is good, though - as long as the sales keep rolling in to pay for it.
Hey, guess what? The kids and I are going to NYC tomorrow! Bright and early, so -looks at the clock- I should get to bed soon. But we are so excited. My son has never been there. We did take my daughter to the American Girl store there for her 7th birthday. We have tickets to an off-Broadway show! They also want to see Times Square and the Lego store and we should have time to see the tree at Rockefeller Center all lit up. I will try and get some pictures. Maybe with my daughter's phone, which is more capable than mine.
Then Sunday I have to fly to Atlanta for a management offsite, coming back Tuesday. Joy.
I hope you're enjoying your break, and I'm very impressed that you're continuing to sharpen your Python skills. Can you use both LPTHW and the online course?
Talk to you soon!
@BurkeDevlin
Just wanted to say really quick, DUDE. Nintendo World Store in Rockefeller Center. O. M. G. You go there. That is like...I live near Nintendo headquarters and can't go to the store there because it's for employees. You will get epic nerd swag and props if you go there. Seriously. Would love some pics! XD I'll write more later! But...that's so freakin' cool. Sounds like a neat itinerary. And I couldn't help but Awww for how cute it was that your girl is going to the American Girl store. That's so sweet. I wonder what your son will think of the Big Apple? BTW what show are you gonna see? Sorry if I'm prying too much. Hope you guys have a great time! Good to be back and know you're doing well. <3
Going to=went to said store. Ugh, out of the writing loop. X_X;
@CaloenasNicobarica LOL, yeah, she wouldn't be caught dead in there now. Now that she's 10.
It was a great day, they had a blast, and my son now wants to move to NYC when he's 18. He was very disappointed to go back through the tunnel to New Jersey, where the buildings are only of modest size.
We didn't see the Nintendo World store! I hadn't seen your message before we left or I would have been on the lookout. That said, Rockefeller Center was very crowded with all the Christmas stuff and we only even got to see the Lego Store through the windows. Now we have an incentive to go back. (They already asked if we can go back over Christmas break.) And I will take pictures for you.
We went to 'The Play That Goes Wrong'. An acquaintance of mine who actually performs in NYC told me it was the funniest play she'd ever seen and OK for all ages. So we picked that one. It was indeed laugh-out-loud funny. If not for the performances, then for the New York attitudes of some of the audience around us. Some stereotypes get that way for a reason. Anyway, the kids loved the show.
A lot of walking and a lot of crowds. I need to go to bed! Have a great night.
@BurkeDevlin
XD I saw this little clip from Conan where he trolled the American Girl store. Good stuff if you're bored and hangin' out on YT. At the tender age of 10 your daughter is a lady it would seem. It's funny how when we're young we want to seem more mature/older, flipside when you're finally that mature/older age!
No LOLs at the expense of New Jersey? I always hear jokes about New Jersey... is it really that bad? O_O; NYC seems pretty overwhelming to a country woman like me. I barely can handle Seattle. Went out for some odds and ends for Christmas but it was so bad I couldn't go in any place. X_X; I know you don't have the same issues as I do with people and such...but geez! Holiday busy busyness x New York just seems exhausting. But it must be pretty damn impressive at the same time.There's just so much there. Like said Nintendo World store. BTW which is two floors and also contains a Pokemon Center. And y'know Spiderman. It's cool that you're goin' back with your little gang! Holiday memories! <3 Look forward to the pics. Maybe you'll actually go into the Lego store next time- crowds permitting.
Altogether, the churros you got and the play sounded awesome. Good times. Hey! I want to hear more about these New York attitudes versus the play(which from what I've read is British). I'm glad you had a fun time with your family. I've been goin' on about how you need a vacay. XD
On my end of things, I'm kinda scattered with things. I did reach the conclusion that I could do the comp sci class AND LPTHW. HOWEVER! My trial of LPTHW ended and I had a Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! moment. Then it degraded into a Help me....Kirk. kinda thing. I still find the comp sci class murky, but informative. I also have Odin Project sitting there. I really want to do more LPTHW, and Odin is just so damn good. Blah, need focus. I'm also at a point where I need to choose between Python 2 or 3. Not sure where to go with that since most of the resources are for 2, but I can choose 3 if I want to for the Hard Way stuff.
Oh! Been consistently working on my math...but it's kinda confusing sometimes. I'll know something but then read it and not understand the phrasing and get some kinda block. Bleargag. But I get it most of the time. I might post a picture or write what I don't understand here, my brain is funny that way. X_X; Glad you're good with mathyboo!
As far as my mental health goes, it's been pretty bad. Not only did Puer run into a baby coyote the other day and make our POS car worse(the right part of the fender is coming off and attached by zip ties), he decided that it's time to buy a vehicle here and now. Got a loan and everything. I haven't agreed with his plan and was subjected to manipulation, passive-aggressive BS, and brow-beating until I would comply. He got everything behind my back and was twisting my arm to okay it. My name's not on the title, but WA is kinda dumb because it's a community property state. So his debt is my debt. X_X; It's gonna be around 5k when things are said and done, but for the love of what is holy...things were rushed. I tried my best to state my thoughts, but...you just can't talk with these kinda folk.
I feel really sick after I just said screw it because I'm gonna just leave him in the end. After he got my "okay" I was deemed a good person and showered with whatever mock affection they try to give. Needless to say, my anxiety and stress levels are pretty bad right now. I freakin' hate when they stalk you and refuse to leave you alone or stop arguing. Then wanting to not argue with them is seen as "controlling". Seriously.
All this because I thought it was odd that he wanted a 5k vehicle but refuses to get a new porchlight after months of it being dead and to take the cats to the vet. Got a beautiful ramble about how a car is more important than the house(or the cat's health). He's completely refusing to participate in just freakin' life. Last week there was some positivity with him, even my psych was impressed- but here it is. Chaos has to be manufactured. You. Just. Can't. Change. Them. Gray rock has been my friend as of late. Reactive people like that need to be met with no reaction. Been applying those things I posted earlier from those articles. It ain't easy, but hey...I don't plan on staying in this miasmic pond. Little by little I'm evolving little arms and feet to crawl out on.
Been doing some self-care; trying to eat better, yoga, connecting with you and other folks on here. Focusing on my math and programming. Sorry for going on about this... but I wonder how you're doing in the scheme of things? I'm sure there are some very difficult things to sit with or run with in your case. Hope you're taking good care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually, Burkeyboo.
@BurkeDevlin
Was gonna post some pics of the car museum but I haven't been feeling too hot lately. Been a lot of chaos/insanity as of late that's been exceptionally hard for me to cope with. My anxiety and depression are kind of ramped up right now. X_X; Not sure what to say.
Hope you're faring better than I am.
@CaloenasNicobarica Well, I don't know that I am, but I definitely feel for you. I'm so sorry you've had a bad time of it lately. I know you have a lot of stressors on you, and I know that you're working very hard to make them temporary. I can tell you from the outside that you're going about it all the right way, you have a lot of time, and that things will get better.
When you feel up to it, I would love to see the pictures from the car museum!
In the meantime, would you like to talk about what's in your life and on your mind? You can always vent here, or we can grab a room tonight when the kids are in bed.
I hope you wake up feeling better today.
@BurkeDevlin
Meow.
Near the end of my diary thread here: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/MyDiary_1301/PigeonsNest_80451/
That's pretty much what happened in a nutshell. The post where I decided not to cook due to d-baggery. Ugh, afterward I got punished in the typical N-blob style with him running out of the house and acting like everything was totally "normal". Got ignored the rest of the night which is more of a blessing, really. But I panicked pretty bad, it induced some hormonal stuff and my Lord has the crazy been ramped up. Sky is green kind of claims. Not to mention upon leaving this guy offered his "help" yet again if I needed it. Like... uh? Seriously. I really feel that this fellah's legit padded cell material! It's been really hard to not react to this crap. Holding together a universe of lies takes a lot of work, apparently. c_c; (And OMG the creepy/exaggerated laughs they have)
My pics I took were pretty stupid. XD Not very good ones. Including a bottle of mustard a couple of times. I'll resize them and upload them later- post 'em on here. I'd like to hang out and BS on here with you later, even if it's just a distraction or something. I'll be on here off and on today. Oh! I'll include some of the Russian candy I scored! Consider it a dorky present from me to you from this distance. XD
@CaloenasNicobarica Ooh, Russian candy! I don't think I've had any since I was in Russia. Thanks!
I did read your entry, and it reads to me like you just reached a point where you got fed up with it all. And I wonder if Puer is a little like my ex in that he just can't understand that. Because with her, every outrageous thing she did, she'd forget about the next day (or the next hour) and expected me to have done so, too. So at any point where it all got to be too much, she would accuse me of over-reacting, but to me it was a natural reaction to her crapping on me for days.
I will squat in Healthy Living for a bit. Swing by if you happen to be around!
@BurkeDevlin
Puer sounds like a long lost relative of termagant. X_X; Because that totally is the kind of BS that goes down. And yet as good little pawns you have to play normal in the eyes of these people or else face the consequences. I've heard it's especially rough with people who use a religion to literally lord over people. Hearing such people go on rants about forgiveness for their actions is barf inducing. X_X;
It was nice talking to you last night, but I feel a bit incompetent. lol The thing about the wages... I've read on quite a few of those self-taught programming resources not to get your hopes up with wages to begin with, which I get... even though I'm gonna be educated in that discipline walking out of this. But for some reason, it felt like that fact was spammed. Maybe it's because people my age are expecting to be paid what that gent you newly hired with five years of experience is? Heck, I dunno. I've done job searches and have seen some pretty miserably wages in comparison...but maybe that's because it's heavily DOE. Hard to say. I'm just glad to hear it from you that the reality is much brighter. Heck! My household makes 42k right now. O_O;
There's a lot I need to learn from you still. That PLM confused the heck out of me last night. I know a little bit about methodologies and design processes, but I still need the experience to cement it. I have a lot of trouble with how people ask things... I'd absolutely suck at help desk stuff. lol Think right now I just need to focus on DOING. Not theorizing. Wasted a lot of time theorizing.
Additionally, I'd love to talk finance with you and learn where to start with that and possibly investing. I've learned a little bit from Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and some other stuff. Right now, I use budgeting and spend pretty conservatively- trying to always have an emergency fund. It's hard because Puer has the finances on lock-down and I'm not "allowed" to get an account of my own. Screw him- I'm gonna get one behind his back because seriously. Just no. I refuse to let someone take over that much of my life anymore. Anyway... I have so much to learn and can be so damn naive. *sigh*
OH! BTW! The pics. Enjoy.
From https://www.americascarmuseum.org - 'cept the cat.
https://ibb.co/bL9UqR
https://ibb.co/cQyNAR
https://ibb.co/hrZjPm
https://ibb.co/izTpqR
https://ibb.co/ke02AR
https://ibb.co/k96aVR
From=Taken at. lol Because that quality.
@BurkeDevlin
Candymas!
https://drive.google.com/open?id=17xxpl71HdOvNMElzhaP22eEk_1JeJqRN
@CaloenasNicobarica I can't think of a better way to celebrate our second page. Spaceeba!
@BurkeDevlin
Is that thank you? <3 I don't really know any Russian stuff- though strangely enough, I bought a book to learn it awhile back. Love the way Cyrillic looks.
Dude, dunno if you read any of those later posts in this thread... but I'm surprised you're still talking to me because I feel like I kinda revealed my derp side a bit more. X_X; Have been bullied for such things. I have a bizarre sense of humor to kinda make things worse. Anyway, enough about my insecurities. More about candy!
I forgot to get any pics of the inside of that store since I was pretty anxious that day. For some reason on the net it's hard as heck to find any decent resources for eastern European stuff. If you do find it, it's super expensive and rare. Kept on running into treat boxes that cost around 40 bucks when everything's said and done. For not much. This place I found has plenty of bulk candy, got a pound and a half of the stuff plus a few candy bars and a pirozhki for 25ish with tax. I'm in love with it. I see a pirozhki truck in town when I'm going to therapy- kinda tempted but food trucks kinda freak me out. lol
Gonna make me some at home here. The other day I made Japanese curry katsu rice. Curry, rice, and a serving of tonkatsu. By the divine, it's wonderful. The seasonings are SO relaxing and aromatic. It's a lot milder than other curries- but you can get it hotter as well. I hear you grate an entire apple into the curry as a standard home practice. Will try that next time. Have you made anything interesting or found any new delightful things this holiday season?
@CaloenasNicobarica
Hi! Yes, I thanked you in Russian. I've taken a couple of classes here and there, basically I've gotten to the point where I can read the Cyrillic alphabet and know what a (very) few of the words mean. It does look pretty cool! When I was a teenager my mom visited Russia and brought me back a huge Soviet Olympic poster, which I hung on my wall and spend years not knowing what any of it said.
Fortunately, I like talking to derpy people. And those with bizarre senses of humor. So keep it coming. 
That Japanese dish sounds delicious! I can't compete. The best I could offer would be sugar cookies with Hershey Kisses, made with Stevia. And I can't even take credit for them since I barely was allowed to supervise. Since most of my family has left the state and I obviously don't consort with the former in-laws, it was only my dad and stepmother that we got together with (Sunday). They came to exchange gifts and I took them out to eat. LOL. Didn't even attempt a dish. Especially since my stepmother makes these restaurant-quality meals when we go there for holidays. I'd feel so amateur. They didn't even drink my coffee. The word 'mud' was muttered.
I can understand why your school would want to temper expectations. People probably read all the online articles about the market for developers and think they'll have competing $100K+ offers the instant they graduate. I think the numbers I threw out are pretty realistic, though, deepening on the role, location, and organization.
I have access to a detailed brochure a tech staffing firm sent me with salary information, that lists the range for 'Software Developer' at $80,250 - $127,250, with an 18.9% premium over that for the Seattle area. (Thanks, Microsoft!) Take this with a couple of grains of salt, because the staffing firm's data may not include entry level placements, and they may also be fluffing it a bit for marketing purposes. Definitely reasonable numbers with a little experience, though.
Another data point I can share - a lady who used to sometimes cut my hair would tell me that her husband was a developer at Comcast in Philadelphia, and had just started in that role with some internal training. So, no CS degree or university training, more like an internal corporate program, and no development experience (but a track record at the company in other roles). They started him at $75K and she wanted to know if that was reasonable. I told her yes, but if he put a little time in and got a couple of good projects under his belt, he could definitely go shopping for a raise.
I'm happy to talk PLM or finances (or math!) any time you like. I love your attitude - everyone should do what you're doing as far as budgeting, saving for emergencies, and spending conservatively. I'm looking forward to being able to do that without the constant contest of wills. You take that mindset into your new life and keep working at your career, and you will do just fine and then some.
Oh - New Jersey! Is it that bad? You know, it's funny. (All of this to follow is of course my opinion.) A lot of the stereotypes do have a basis. It's not the friendliest place in the world, for sure. It's a very crowded state. The drivers are nuts. And parts of it really do smell foul. Landing at Newark Airport and driving down the NJ Turnpike past the giant belching refineries is positively dystopian.
As far as the quality of life, for a small state, we have places that are the absolute pits, and places that are as great as anywhere else to live. One thing that's sad is that our cities are basically all cesspools. Newark, Trenton, Camden - really depressed cities where you wouldn't go to hang out like you might in NYC or Boston, or even Philadelphia. New Brunswick is OK, but it's a smaller city. Jersey City is supposedly coming back very strong, but I haven't been there in forever.
Where I live now (Philly burbs) is all right. Not a lot to do, and not so geek-friendly, but I'm trying to explore the possibilities a little with my new free time. I'm like a stranded Away Team looking for habitat until Engineering can fix the transporter malfunction. Where I grew up (Monmouth County, central, near the shore), is one of the more pleasant spots (though I didn't fully appreciate it at the time). Where I work (Princeton area) is really nice, and Cape May is lovely, as are some other shore towns.
And if all else fails, we've got pork roll.
@BurkeDevlin
Before I respond to the above post, I wanted to know how your Thursday went. How was the spa/chillax time? Oh, and how was the Bigfoot thing you attended the other day?
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! First of all, I was very glad to read on your feed that you're on a personal upswing. Hopefully that's still the case, and long may it continue!
My Thursday was OK. Actually a bit stressful, and I did not make it to the spa. Basically I got annoyed with a couple of things and decided not to go. I did sit at the coffee shop for a bit and listened to some live Irish music, so some chillaxing did at least happen. My vacation is dwindling, though! I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work. I'm actually at Starbucks right now, getting some administrative junk out of the way. You would like to think that I'd be ready to charge back into all the things I and my company want to accomplish, but to tell you the truth, an extra week off would not go amiss.
We didn't make it to the Bigfoot talk either - kids weren't in the mood. We had gone to Philly earlier in the day, and it was pretty cold. So we stayed home and they helped me organize some comics a little.
I also was going to tell you - yesterday I was asked to drop off some gear and a gift card to my son at my ex's, so I got to visit the scene of the crime.
I inspected the crack in the sink. I inspected the candle, and I inspected the drone.
There's no way that damage could have been done by my son crashing the drone. Now, my last college physics class was around 1991 (mind you, I got an A), but you don't need the formula for acceleration due to gravity to estimate that that little drone would have to have been dropped from about the top of the Empire State Building to make that crack.
That leaves the candle, which fits the crack very well, indeed. My ex re-enacted the collision in slow motion and it's a highly plausible scenario. But - the candle was found on the side of the counter where she'd left it. Again - rusty on the physics, but the probability of the candle bouncing back up to the exact same spot can safely be called vanishingly low.
Ergo, the candle did not fall spontaneously. Someone dropped it into the sink - and then put it back.
But who??
I understand that the kids are a priori suspects. And as much as I want to, I can't completely rule them out, because like many kids, they learned how to cover their own hide before they learned their times tables. And yet - they've both looked me in the eye and sworn up and down it wasn't them. Even after the ex promised they wouldn't be in trouble. And I'm not the best judge of a situation, but I was present when she first called about it, and they looked genuinely surprised. If it does turn out to be one of them, I'm really going to be concerned that they lie so well.
Boyfriend? Mmm….nah. He's the one person on Earth who would get away with it if he fessed up. And I don't know him well, but I'd like to believe he wouldn't let the kids take the rap. He genuinely seems to like them.
I'm sticking with my family member theory. Evil sister. Mark it down.
@BurkeDevlin
Burkey.
Things...
And yes, the evil sister route seems to be the most likely. Maybe I should go consult my pendulum? XD
*sighs* I just came back from my first session of marriage counseling awhile ago. Have stayed up after drinking coffee at midnight. Programming. Catching up on diary entries and what not.
By the Divine, I CANNOT believe how blatant I was in that session. I'm serious. Gonna post some of my diary regarding it.
Gonna be interesting catching up with my psych on all of this.
@BurkeDevlin
https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/MyDiary_1301/PigeonsNest_80451/
Posted the synopsis of the session. Hooo.... the counselor wants me to stay with him or at least attempt this more. I was pretty blatant about wanting to leave. I intend to stick with this, but I must've been pretty assertive about how I felt...since y'know, I'm workin' on my anxiety/agoraphobia before I attempt to divorce. Kinda need a job, right! Even now I'm surprised as heck for how freakin' blatant I was. X_X; Like wow, was that really me? I've decided to be more forward about things as of late. Things are changing. So am I.
How was your New Year? Did you finally get some real chillax time and sparkly spa time? You work a lot. I hope you take time to think, chill, and process.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, I did read the journal entry you linked me to. Sounds like a pretty intense session you had. Is everything OK in the aftermath of that? I can remember a few counseling sessions we had that got pretty raw, and she was very hard to live with for some time after. You saying in front of the therapist that you don't respect him must have been withering.
It sounds to me like you really needed to get that off of your chest, though. I feel like maybe it was stressing you out to hold all of that in, not to say it out loud for him to hear. And I can totally understand that. The mask itches, especially when you're having to wear it in your own home, when you should be able to be least on your guard.
He seems to have some pretty low self-esteem, and a desperate need for validation and affection. I guess that's not surprising with the family situation he came from. I think it's normal for you to feel somewhat protective of him. There was a time when things were good, right? There was a side of him you did love? It's hard not to remember that with some fondness, no matter what's become of it.
I'm really glad you got to express that. I just hope you're not dealing with undue fallout from it.
My New Year is going OK so far, thanks. I'm trying to make an effort to keep the negative self-talk to a minimum. It isn't easy. But so far I feel like I'm staying afloat, at least. I've been doing well exercising every day. I've set some fitness goals for the year and half-year.
Of course today I got a little extra workout in the form of 6 inches of snow to shovel. The kids were off, and so was my ex, so I let them just stay there. And get this - it stopped snowing around 6 tonight, and school had already been cancelled for tomorrow! No, there's no more in the forecast. But there is 6 inches of snow on the ground, so school is already cancelled. Both the kids' and my ex's. That would not have happened when I was in school, let me tell you! Nor would it happen in New England. Wimps.
Saturday I'm going to a formal tea in Philadelphia. Gonna dress up and everything. I'll have to dust off my charm and social skills. Seriously, hopefully I can just relax and be me. People tend to like me at least somewhat when I can do that. I mean, I'm always polite, but when I'm feeling stressed or depressed, it really does show.
Also, I got a new smart phone, did I tell you? I was told I could expense it for work, so I got the highest-quality model that works with my carrier, using price as a proxy. I took it out of the box and the damn thing is huge! It's the largest phone I've seen since the 1990s. I mean, if my plane crashed in the wilderness, I could stun a moose with this and survive. I'm going to have to only buy pants with deep pockets.
I'm still getting used to it, I have to say. My kids helped me set it up, but I'm having a hard time answering calls, and I get random apps popping up windows that I didn't ask for. The only thing I actually downloaded was 'Words With Friends'. I could easily become an addict. That I am enjoying, but otherwise I must admit I wish I had my flip phone back!
Finally, good for you sticking with the programming even between classes! That's the kind of dedication to your craft that is going to look great when you start going on interviews. Stay of stout heart. Your future will be bright.
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Hello again, Burkey! It's been awhile. How's life? And how did your tea go?
Honestly, I have a really bad feeling about this. The lady kept saying that she thinks "we have something". I stated clearly that I don't expect this to work, and that I was doing this so I could have a space to actually have a voice. I get that people want to "fix" things and when this guy's MO is "just wanting to help". But man, that dynamic of constant help is crippling to the relationship. My homework was writing down one thing I wanted him to change- it's his insane notion of "help" in that Misery sense where she's helping the author by breaking his legs and keeping him hostage. Seriously messed up stuff.
There's also been some backlash. Irritability, unpleasantness and of course, the mindf***ery stuff aside. On my end, I've been super freaking anxious. Incredibly. I have to start taking my over the counter teapills a bit more frequently now. Last Thursday some mind games were pulled and my therapy session was aftercare for that, ended up panicking and crying my eyes out. My psych has a lot of problems understanding just how warped situations are from Puer. No wonder I have troubles keeping balanced.
That marriage counseling session took me around a full week to recover from. I finally feel grounded again. My gut instinct doesn't trust the situation. The masks, the chess game of an unstable persona, I don't think it's possible for him to come as himself to therapy. Only "good Christian boy/NiceGuyTM mode". The only time I think he might reflect is when I'm gone and living my life far away from him. Which I freakin' intend to.
My psych was saying that I'm channeling my punky, anarchist teenager side of myself. She got sick of the all the BS and went against the status quo to say, "F*** off! Here's the damn truth!" Yeah. Pretty accurate, feeling a bit more fiery than usual.
Anyway, enough about all that. I'm glad you're exercising is going well! <3 OH! And working on the self-talk. A good one, too! I know you'll get it someday. Heck, I'm working on both things right now, but it's kinda flipped. Self-talk is goin' good, exercisin' needs to pick up steam. Hey! Are you gonna do another marathon? That'd be cool!
LOLOL about the snow. If it sticks, then no school over here. So like... 1-2 inches or so? XD It's pretty bad over here. People freak out over just a little slushy snow/rain mix when driving. OMG Drive 15 miles an hour. Maybe they should require the students and families to eat an entire pork roll for not attending on that day? Pork roll. Ahhhhh... TY for that. New Jersey reminds me a lot of Tacoma over here, actually.
Oh, a smartphone! I remember you talking about that. Didn't know they made them all tanky like that still. O_O; Did you say it was an HTX wait...HTC? Really curious what model you ended up with. I gotta try Words With Friends! Is it like Scrabble? Love those games. Heard Freerice.com is finally upgrading and also getting an official app. Highly recommend that. You also donate rice while doing trivia. Win-win! Been playing Onmyoji's SEA version- plan on getting it on Steam, too. Dunno if you'd like it. It's fun, though! Love the artwork, style, and battle system of the game.
Woooo! Thanks! LPTHW has been fun. Caused a stack overflow the other day and was all proud because of the site of the same name. I did something computery! Wheee. XD On lesson 19 right now. Getting into making your own functions(which I know how to do in Java). Caused that overflow because Ms. Pigeon indented all her code, not ONLY the stuff inside the function. Simple problems. Resolved it, learned. Yay! <3 BTW Can you explain about those fearful threads you've told me about? In an explain it like I'm 5 kinda way...maybe when you're bored?
Well, will be on and off here for the weekend. Lemme know if you wanna shoot the breeze or whatever. Always a pleasure reading your posts/chatting with you.
@CaloenasNicobarica So good to hear from you! Yes, it has been awhile, and Im sorry I havent been around on the site more. To tell the truth, I had a bit of a struggle this week, and I appreciate your giving me the chance to talk about it, because it may do me some good. So, sorry if this post gets long, and dont feel you need to read it all at once. Also, if youd like to grab a cup of tea and a plate of Japanese snacks, I wont even notice.
Ill start with something light.
My smartphone. Its a ZTE. Android phone. Ive already had once instance of it running slow and having to be rebooted. Never happened with the flip phone. And all Ive downloaded has been Words With Friends and a quiz game, which I may actually delete because its not as much fun as I thought it would be. I may try the ones you recommended, so thanks for that.
And yes, WWF is pretty cool! I am 8-1 so far. I lost one game to a lady in Nevada, but subsequently defeated her 3 more times. The last game came down to the last move! It is pretty neat playing folks from all over, and yes, its a lot like Scrabble with some slight differences.
The tea. It was fun. It was hosted by the theater group I am exploring joining. Its hard, sometimes, after Ive been social for a few hours, to assess how I ‘did. If my ex had been with me, on the way back to the car, Id have gotten the lowlight reel of every misstep and faux pas I made. It is very, very hard for me - and its possible I am on the spectrum somewhere - sometimes, to tell the difference between ‘they were being polite and ‘they really liked me. And I know I am just not my best self right now, not even close. But all in all, felt like it was all right.
There was a wide mix of ages there, but seemed to be a big gap around my age. A younger cluster around 30 and another cluster around 60. And its interesting because there is the exact same phenomenon on my softball team. We have players from early 20s to early 60s (a couple of parent-child pairs) but only me and maybe one other person in the 40s. Weird.
Anyway, the next day, I had my interview for backstage work with this same group. A lot of the same people were there, plus the entire production staff. I walked in and was greeted cordially, and signed in by the woman on the recruitment committee whod made the schedule. Id met her briefly at each of the recruitment events, including the tea, but for whatever reason we never really talked to one another, which oddly I feel like weve developed sort of an inside joke about. Anyway, she was like, OMG, there are 700 people in there to talk to you. Im sorry, do you want me to go in with you…?
I graciously waved her off. I got this.
I walked in the room, and there were about 10-12 production people arrayed in a half-circle like the Legion of Doom. I strode over and sat facing them. They introduced themselves (a couple Id already met) asked me some questions about my theater experience.
I was poised. I was relaxed. I made eye contact. I had presence. I told stories. I told jokes. Everyone laughed.
In short, I crushed it.
I was basically told youre in on the spot. (One or two people expressed concern about how limited my time would be because of my parenting schedule - which I was very upfront about. So its not a 100% sure thing. Well see.) Some folks outside even casually invited me to hang out there for awhile if I wanted. I cordially demurred. I had the kids that evening.
And I got in my car and I drove home - in the very blackest of black, I-dont-want-to-wake-up-tomorrow depressions.
I mean, I could not have felt worse if Id been told to get lost, to never set foot in a theater again, and that by the way, theyd read my LinkedIn article and it sucked.
My head is a very strange place to live. I am sometimes so convinced of my own total lack of charm and charisma that a large group of people whom I like and respect can react very well to me and it does not penetrate even slightly.
And that was before I realized that the set work in the spring happens Saturday morning / afternoon, in the middle of which falls our weekly exchange of the kids. So I need to get the ex to agree to modify the exchange times, at least, if Im going to be a part of this. Stinks that she basically has veto power over this opportunity for me, but thats reality of co-parenthood.
Fitness update. Marathon? Youre so kind. It was merely a 5K, and any thoughts I might have of trying a marathon dissipate when I do a 5K training run and realize I would have to do that seven more times to run a marathon - and I still wouldnt be done. Whoa. Big props to folks who do those.
I do have my eye on a couple more 5Ks in the spring, though. There are some fun ones in my area and a few farther afield. I think the last one I did (on the road / pavement) did a number on my knees, so Im going to mostly try and stick to ones on softer turf. My knees are a little better, though, and Im back up (down?) to an 8-minute mile on the treadmill. Personal best (from October, before the race) was 7:23, so thats the immediate goal!
My strength training is suffering a little because I seem to have come down with some shoulder tendonitis. Ive gone up in the weight I work with as Ive gotten stronger, but have gotten to the point where my muscles can handle the weight, but my joints and ligaments sometimes bark. Its like with the running. I know I have the strength and the wind to work my way to a 7-minute mile, which I would be pretty proud of - if not for the knee pain.
Reason #74 why it stinks getting older.
Last week. …was pretty rough. I had a pretty bad reaction to some of my exs drama. My kids, you see, and especially my daughter, dont care for some of the house rules here, and theyll take their complaints to the court of appeals, i.e., Mom. Who, of course gladly grabs the gavel, eager for any opportunity to undermine me as always.
So I got to read (over text) how my rules are unfair to the kids, how Im gross, and how Im too cheap to take the kids anywhere, and would only get laughed at in public anyway. And the icing on the cake - and this deserves a direct quote - BTW your recent article pretty much sealed your Asperger diagnosis. It was cathartic.
I know I shouldnt let her get under my skin. She just knows how to play on my exposed emotional nerves like a demented fiddler with a hacksaw. Because deep down I feel like theres some truth to it. That I dont let myself have any friends in part because I dont want anyone I like to be embarrassed by having my ugly, awkward old self around.
Like my only purpose in life - even in my fun creative outlets! - is and always will be to be her punching bag.
I drove home, I took a few sleeping pills (more than usual but not that many) and passed myself out. No one cares. Well, of course they dont. I dont care. Id like to say I felt better the next morning. I do feel a little better by now.
Then of course, theres work - we had a production crisis Friday that had me on the phone till nearly midnight, and most of Saturday to boot. Sunday I woke up with a headache that never did get much better. The kids were here and I was irritable all day. This explains largely why I wasnt around all weekend here - sorry about that.
And sorry to go on so much, and thanks for listening to all that. Im trying in my own way, really I am.
Keeping up the nutrition and exercise as best I can.
Struggling mightily against all of the negative self-talk. Trying hard to validate myself, ‘cause until I do, no one else is gonna.
Before my kids came on Saturday, I did a major cleaning / de-cluttering in the house, just to make my ‘space look and feel a little better. It did help. Really.
Im so sorry that your marriage counseling seems to be having such ill effects. Honestly, I was and am worried about you living in the house with him while this is going on. I know from experience that if ‘awkward is the worst it makes it, youre probably coming out ahead.
Its pretty clear youre not invested in this at all - and I dont judge you for that one bit, please understand. I certainly got to that point in my marriage where I realized it fully - when we tried for the umpteenth time to reconcile and I knew in my heart of hearts that no matter how hard she tried - even if she were sincere - that I just didnt have it in me.
To be quite honest with you, I think it was processing that in my head that put me into the spiral of depression that continues today.
Say 3 years ago, I was actually a pretty high-functioning human being. I really thought I had kicked all this crap. Sure, my marriage was bad and I expected it to end one day, but I thought life would be good afterwards. It feels like a million years ago, but I thought I was going to be happy.
I dont get that vibe from you, and Im glad. But please do take care of your feelings through all this, even the feelings you find there unexpectedly. As much as you may be praying for your marriage to end, its still an ending, and it cant be easy. It may get harder, not easier, when he gets to the point where he accepts at as well, and holy cow, this is real and its going to happen.
I want to say something else about that too. Be ready (emotionally, and with a plan) in case he does realize that and decides to pull the plug himself. Especially since he has some support there, as dysfunctional as his family is, and you dont. I know youre waiting until youre ready to begin your career so you can support yourself (and youll likely be out-earning him at that point). I dont want to worry you, but I dont want you to be at a loose end if the decision is taken out of your hands.
I would love to talk to you about this some time soon if you feel it would help. Ill have some time this week and the kids will be with their mom next weekend.
And finally - I apologize, but I cant remember exactly what threads I was talking about? Was it multithreaded programming in general? If so, Ill be happy to explain a bit more. If Id meant something specific, please let me know.
Thanks and talk to you very soon!
@BurkeDevlin
Sorry it took for ages to get back to this.
Been pulled in multiple directions. As of now I don't want to talk about my situation or "helping" me. I'll deal with it when the time comes. There's not much I can do besides make the phone call when the situation calls for it. But I have to do things in my time. Talking about it won't help. Well...the fixing or helping kinda thing. I'll talk about anything else, though. I do enjoy your company.
Have discussed it ad nauseum, it seems. Mentioned it tonight with the new marriage counselor who is turning out to be pretty badass. Tonight was a huge night for me where I learned some pretty important points. Y'know, I'm really sorry I strayed from this thread... I just didn't know what to say to you. I consider you a good friend, though distance may separate us. The really creepy thing about my situation is I'm essentially moving from the afflicted child mind to the adult mode- where my adolescent self is fueling the fire of change. Pretty cerebral kinda stuff! Like you hear about in psychological thrillers. ...I also learned a key point.
Puer is using my child brain to get to me- where the trauma/emotional response/empathy stuff lurks in order to keep his hold on me. Kinda figured that, and my psych said something similar. However, there's something in the way she phrases stuff that snaps me awake. Essentially, when I'm around him I disassociate and go further back into my mind to that area. Where I need to be is the adult area- the frontal lobe. To learn to be present. It's... really creepy. After that realization and her telling me this, Puer came in for scheduling stuff and I IMMEDIATELY felt that shift and watched her note it as well. This awareness. It flickers. Like some dangling light in a tool shed out in the middle of nowhere. God, it's so creepy to realize this so potently.
She is pretty straightforward and gave me something to challenge myself. Earning money.
The more I shift towards independence and financial freedom the easier it'll be. I've figured that out and been told that by everyone under the sun, it feels like. I'm gonna start doing online surveys and figure things out from there. I actually was fiddling around with that earlier, the site was kinda wonky and wouldn't accept my password stuff no matter how hard I tried and even changed the password. Had to be humble and e-mail the account people about it. I usually figure this stuff out. Eh, could be it's late and I'm disassociating AF. lol
Puer mentioned getting me on nasty prescription meds again. Joked with the marriage counselor how he probably finds it easier to control me on those meds. I was super bad disassociating and out of it while on that stuff. I hate it. My traditional Chinese medicine stuff works out well without making me all weird, I also don't need to take it all the time. Another thing is he might feel weird about being the only one on prescription stuff whereas me, the "crazy" one isn't on any. Either way, not a cool place.
Well...that was a long update. How's life? I read your post ages ago, but like the woodsman watching the fairies play a game... the axe handle rotted. There's a bit more stuff I learned, but I hope you're well.
@BurkeDevlin
Happy V-day wherever you are.
@CaloenasNicobarica . Happy Valentine's Day, Miko! Or as I like to call it, 'Half-Price-Chocolate Day Eve'.
Have a bowl of gyudon I made just for you:
Thanks again for the recipe! I have to say it didn't come out half-bad.
I think I saw in yoru feed that your studies are going well. I hope so. Life here is...rolling along.
Talk to you soon, I hope! Maybe we'll catch up around here this weekend.
@BurkeDevlin
That looks good! <3 I wanted to get out today and score some candy on the after-valentine's deals. Swear that stores don't have the after sales anymore. Just roll out the new stuff months and months earlier. X_X;
I just started my new term earlier this month. Actually, had some difficulties with financial aid that sent me in panic mode. It was really bad. I'm still recovering, in fact. X_X; I just started financial aid this term and I forgot to fill out two forms which gummed up the process, and they put my account on hold. Then I had to work through panic attacks to do bureaucratic stuff. Managed to e-mail people properly even though I was freakin' out and like really bad. I feel like an idiot still. X______X; My first time with this kinda stuff- that's where I miss a brick and mortar college. People helped you with this.
I just remembered. How do you like your eggs? I like mine runny and barbaric! There's this method where you make onsen tamago. Hot spring eggs. They go amazing with gyudon! You put two eggs(uncracked) in a sauce pan. Then with another pan heat up some water to boiling so it can cover the eggs and leaves plenty of the boiling water in there. Make sure to cover it up. Wait 20 minutes. Viola. Perfectly runny. Silky, even! Just crack those suckers onto your gyudon and your golden. In Japan, they dip eggs straight into the hot springs and I believe they have nets for a bunch of them! Anyway, good to hear that things are rolling along. Maybe we can BS on the weekend.
Ciao for now.
@CaloenasNicobarica . That financial aid stuff is so stressful. I remember going through it all in grad school and yes, they had people to help me out, but it was still difficult and the bureaucracy was stifling. So I feel for you, but I'm so glad you got it done and over with. The main thing is, all systems are go to keep your education going, right? What classes are you taking?
Maybe I'll try that next time I make it! I have to admit, I'm a little nervous to try 'runny and barbaric'. I'm just paranoid about getting sick! So I tend to overcook, not just eggs, but things like fish and other meat, just a little. I haven't totally perfected the art of cooking so it's safe but still nice and juicy. I should have experimented a little tonight, maybe, learned a new recipe, but I stuck with the ol' traditional burrito bowl.
Things are OK here. Still at a sleep deficit, but I'll hopefully catch up tonight. Work is really piling on, and I have a trip to Boston this week, so with the kids not here this weekend, I think I'm going to treat tomorrow as a work day, basically, albeit a chill one without emails and calls constantly coming in. Hopefully a chance to get out in front of some projects and feel less reactive.
Enjoy your night and I'll talk to you soon!
@BurkeDevlin
IKR! Having people around for that process is so helpful. It's totally red tape infested. X_X; It's still not done and over with just yet...apparently! I keep getting e-mails about it. Seems the Financial Aid peeps did their job, not it's just waiting for like 2 other loans to process. I got two loans which they broke up to four for some damn reason. Each time I get a new e-mail regarding the process my heart practically beats out of my chest and I start trippin'. lol School's got half of my money, anyway. Oh! Yeah, my classes are Business Management and a class that builds upon that for the Project+ certification. My other two classes are technical writing and a 15 page(got five or so pages done) essay thing for an English class.
Don't sweat it when it comes to tastes and that kinda thing. What's really cool about that process is the egg gets cooked for 20 minutes in boiling hot water(off the burner) so it's not like you're eating it raw. The innards get "silky" as someone described it. Though traditionally you can just break an egg over it and eat it raw. I probably wouldn't do that. Maybe as a hangover thing. XD Have you heard of those sous vide things? AAAARG WANNNNNNT. So cool. One of them you can even link with an app and stuff. Oh IoT. Fun stuff, but I'd wanna do mischevious things with it. Anyway, check out the Sous-vide method and instruments. Think you might find it worthwhile!
You ever catch up on that sleep? Somehow I don't think so. You're way too busy, man. Go do something dorky and chill! Blarg! Oh, it snowed here. O_O; It's all freezy. Doesn't happen where I live very often. How's it been in the east?
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! Thanks for the cooking tips, Ill try that out. Did I tell you I made homemade enchiladas the other week? The presentation still needs a little work, but I have to say they came out yummy.
Sorry for the financial aid complications. For some reason I cant recall, I had two student loans as well. It just added administrative hassle and it was very stressful. Like now I (I almost said ‘we but I have sole title to the house now - tralala!) have two mortgages that keep getting sold / transferred from bank to bank. I live for the day when I will never owe anyone any money again!
Thats actually great that your school is having you take classes other than the technical. Do you enjoy Business Management? Im really glad to see you taking that and I think it will make your work experience…not easier, but less stressful, maybe. Its just nice to have some idea how the organization you work for is run and what considerations there are outside of just product. Im sure my understanding of that played some role in getting me promoted, 4 years ago.
Some people just might be great engineers or QA folks, but if they dont have a clue how the company brings in its money, its easy to get disillusioned when they see decisions being made that dont seem to align with product goals. Its not (necessarily) that management is clueless, just that there are other things to consider when it comes to keeping the lights on. So I think this class will give you a cool perspective! And I know Ive said this to you before, but every engineer is a technical writer in some sense. And speaking as someone who manages engineers, that skill is a massive plus. If someone can write up a design or a problem clearly enough for me to understand it on the first pass, and for me not to have to reword it so someone else can understand it - love it. And you write very clearly as it is, but its great that theyre offering those classes.
Make it snow. LOL. I wish! We actually just had a 78 degree day here. :-( I did get to see some snow, but I had to go to Boston for it. I went up to our office up there Thursday / Friday. I mixed in some pleasure, though - do you remember that woman I wrote about meeting on the street up there in October? Weve kept in touch a bit and our schedules finally synced up, so I met her for dinner and we went to an improv show. It was fun, and the show was hilarious.
I am trying to catch up on some sleep this weekend! I flew back into some ex drama almost immediately yesterday, which really upset me, and I have let this all go on without proper boundaries for far too long. I have just got to get this done, with a piece of paper shes going to have to respect. Anyway, I did manage to finish Season 2 of Legends of Tomorrow (speaking of geeking out a little), which helped me calm down and I got some decent sleep. The kids are here this weekend and we went roller skating today.
In fact I will continue to take your advice to heart and am going to bed very shortly! Everything else is going pretty well - work is nuts, but thats nothing new. I messed up my knee running last month and it is being very slow to heal, but Ive been doing my strength workouts while I wait and Im up to about 160 pounds. I really hope I can get back out on the roads for the spring 5K season, but it is what it is. Its the bad thing about getting older - on the positive side, I got to see a little of the ‘70s firsthand.
How was your weekend?
@BurkeDevlin
Went on a mental expedition as of late. Here we are again. XD It's good to see you're doing well- or at least were during that time.
I do enjoy business and business management. I'm still working on this class- on the tail end of it, actually! After this, it's my Project+ cert. I really need to make some time for programming and some side comp sci classes. Math, as well! It's been really hard lately... don't think I mentioned it but there was this whole episode with this terrible...I mean terrible marriage counselor involving mindf***ery and some other things. I plan on ditching out for the last appointment. My God, how can people like her have a PhD in psychology? X_X; Mindnumbing.
I also ended up quitting therapy with my psych because I didn't feel supported. Kept on being weird about my social anxiety to a point where I felt like I had to lie about it to him. Already have that with Puer who believes it's hallucinations and that I'm off the deep end. There was also bullying that occurred in the waiting room at my psych's place. Some chick kept on staring at me while I was having a panic attack, she even leaned towards me and wouldn't stop staring. Had problems with her before. Her counselor and her laughed at me for leaving. So I'm just so freakin' done with that place. My psych I might speak to again. But it was some utter freakin' chaos and manipulation going on.
Puer's on a business trip to Florida right now so I've had the house to myself. It's taken on a different atmosphere. Way more chill. Been able to focus a lot more.
Though today it's not been so hot. My advisor called and bitched me out about not getting something done. Was gonna finish this class in a month, but with the financial aid stuff and the craziness mentioned above it was very hard to focus. Not to mention funfun C-PTSD/trauma/disassociation stuff. Procrastinating can get really bad and then combine that with sitting in front of a screen and not being able to focus on anything. My advisor wondered why it wasn't done yet and speculated that I'd just not gotten around to it or just didn't feel like it. X______X; I'm almost done with the class. Just underestimated it because all the other d-bags say they can finish it in a week or two. Plan on finishing it this week sometime. I'm getting really sick of my school and their 90+ credits = godliness BS being crammed down my throat. Just because a bunch of people on reddit compete with spamming through things. It's pretty stupid. I make SAP every term. But they're trying to turn this into a diploma mill. I feel like I'm slow, lazy, nuts for just trying to learn. I want to really learn this stuff! This isn't just a freakin' checkbox for me.
Anyway... I hope things are going well for you. Sorry I spaced and floated off for awhile. Gonna try to focus on this stuff again. It's finally turning spring here, how about where you live?
@CaloenasNicobarica . Well, we're getting hit with our second nor'easter of the week today, so spring? Maybe not quite yet. Not that I'm complaining!
We actually went to the Sixers game in the middle of the last one (Friday). We had tickets, but I was still going to bag it, but when I picked the kids up from aftercare, the roads weren't that bad and they were excited to go, so we figured we'd give it a shot. We got pelted with horizontal hail walking into the arena, but the Sixers pulled one out for us.
You have the house to yourself?!? Nice! Enjoy. I remember when she'd be gone staying over with family, and it was like I could finally breathe. Make the most of it.
You're 100% doing the right thing when it comes to taking your time with the classes. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It doesn't matter how long it takes.
I'm still doing OK. I had a really, really nice weekend. There was the game, and then the kids and I worked on the set build for my new opera company, we met my dad for dinner (I got a few extra hours with them because my ex was out of sorts), and Sunday I went to a comic show in the city and then walked around selling ads with some folks from the company.
Today I am feeling a little more down. I've got a couple of major headaches to juggle at work. I'm honestly wondering how long I'm going to make it there. Oddly enough, it was just my 5-year anniversary, and I got several congratulatory messages on LinkedIn, which I thought was funny because no one remembers my birthday, but a work anniversary I get all this love. And even though I had a fun weekend, I just don't seem to 'do' happiness. Weird.
I got to surprise my son today, though, with Imagine Dragons tickets for later in the spring! They're his favorite band, and he was just thrilled. Score one for dad.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! I wanted to let you know that I'm doing a little bit better, and thank you so much for caring.
Last weekend was pretty bad, but this one is shaping up better. You ever have the flu or something, and then you recover and the virus is gone, but you're still so drained from fighting it that you can't get out of bed? That's kind of how I feel emotionally now. Like the storm has passed, but I'm still getting my strength back. To mix a metaphor.
Tomorrow morning my kids and I are heading out for a road trip vacation. It's their spring break. We're going up to Mystic Seaport, CT.
I took off the entire week, so maybe I can make some headway on getting my life together. Hopefully we can catch up at some point.
How are you doing?
@BurkeDevlin
Holy carp. That's a good way to describe it! And NP, of course I'd care about you, damn it. XD We've spoken so much about all sorts of things, and I'd like to think we've become pretty good friends or at least decent friends despite our differences and all that.
Anyway, I'm totally psyched that you actually took some vacay time! Sounds like a cool place to go with the childrens! <3 The place you're going/probably at right now reminds me of where I live. A maritime museum and we've got the Lady Washington that I've known folks go out to sea on. It was shown quite a few movies. That feeling you mentioned... that's an interesting way to describe things. It sounds like your processing what you've been through. Good to hear. Our body and minds are connected after all, though sometimes I wish they weren't... silly thing to say, I know. When I was in in therapy doing EMDR sessions they said that it was a way of getting the mind to process trapped emotions or memories...that kinda thing. And there was an actual chemical release by getting the mind to process those emotions that affected the body. There were times I'd walk out of therapy after an EMDR session and it was like being drunk. Stranger than fiction stuff, eh?
Again, I want to say how proud of you I am for taking that vacay time and chillin' with the kids! Doing something fun for yourself for a change. Relaxing. Yay! <3
As far as things go for me, I dunno... ever since I quit therapy it's been frustrating. I walked out with the realization of how f***ed up stuff is, and now I've gotta dig my heels in and make those changes while operating in an unhealthy environment. I REAAAAAALLY gotta try to be healthier. My eating habits and that kinda thing... exercise, and general self-care. It can get really hard to do but I felt more motivated while I was attending therapy. It was easier having someone to talk to every week or so that was a professional regarding my situation. Been trying to reach out on here but I feel weird... Also, at university, I've decided to finally talk to the ADA thing and have some kind of accommodations for my social anxiety/C-PTSD. Had my advisor laugh at me and guess that I "just didn't feel like doing" my work. I'm sitting there everyday trying to process things, but freakin' brain fog and sh*t. BLARG. And you already know about the rat race with the finishing half your degree in six months BS I have to deal with. XD Very demotivational.
On the positive side... I've been pursuing programming projects a bit more. Made a web scraper with Python and BeautifulSoup the other day. WOOO! It worked. It's a script that extracts the data and puts it in a nice spreadsheet. Now I'm trying to tweak it so that I can get behind a login and scrape it. Requires a little more work, but it's been fun to tinker with. I think you'd have fun doing this project! I really like the idea of automation. There's a book/site(which seems to be down) called Automate The Boring Stuff. Uses Python 3. Its geared towards people who aren't programmers but want to well...automate the boring stuff. A practical introduction. Been meaning to get around to it. Believe it has a section on scraping. Okay, went on too long.
Sounds like things are going well. You're in my thoughts, Burkeyboo! Much love. *hugs*
@CaloenasNicobarica Aw, thanks, Miko. You have definitely been a great friend to me, and I hope I have done as well by you, and youve got me for as long as you wish. *Hugs*
Mystic was awesome. We just drove back today, crammed full of information on whaling, 19th century villages, and maritime life in general. We had an awesome time driving around in ‘the Batmobile, which is the name the kids gave to our rental car. (Mine is 12 years old with 224K miles on it, so I try not to stress it out too much with road trips.)
Maybe the nicest thing about it was just making memories with the kids. We sat down for every meal together, saw lots of places, didnt spent (much) time on technology, and had fun conversations with the lights out before bed. Life moves so fast when were home, its like we just coexist. This was nice.
I hear you on how frustrating it is to make changes in an unhealthy environment. To some degree, it was only when my environment changed that I was able to make some of those changes. (Many more are needed!). Do you think youll find a new therapist?
Can I share something that worked for me when it came to healthy self-care? I dont want to push advice on you, so just ignore me if youd like. But when I wanted to start eating better, one thing that really helped was to swap out one thing at a time, for a similar healthier thing, and then it just became habit to keep buying and eating the healthier thing. White rice out, brown rice in. Iced tea out, water in. Flavored yogurt out, homemade parfaits with fruit and granola in. Candy out, protein bars in. And so on.
That, and exercise, really became addictive when I started seeing the changes in my body, and started feeling better. You can do it!
Nic, your advisor is a moron. His attitude towards you is totally unprofessional, and dont buy it for a second. I am SO proud of you for working so hard to learn valuable (and difficult) skills in adverse circumstances to say the least. I would not have a fraction of your perseverance. Youre an amazing person and Im in awe of your determination. You are going to outshine them all when its all done. Any help I can give you along the way is an honor to me.
Dont listen to him and dont listen to that six months crap. I wouldnt hire someone who claimed to have finished a bachelors degree in six months. Youre taking time to learn the material thoroughly and doing cool projects like your web scraper on the side.
Dont listen to them, listen to me. :-)
Well, I am off for the rest of the week, so hopefully well catch up! Im going to do what I was supposed to do over Christmas break, and start making some phone calls and putting my life back together. Including a couple of projects around this house. And I may yet make it to that spa! :-D
Love you too. Thanks for everything.
@BurkeDevlin
Been hiding for awhile. Not good.
Hope you're doing okay.
Watched a musical the other night and thought of you. It was by the same people who did The Trail to Oregon that I gave you the link for. Pretty talented people. Was pretty fun, hard to keep still when watching something that long. XD I always wander around like a squirmy kid.
Blorf. Hard to believe its gonna be May in a couple days or so. Seems like Winter then Summer. No such thing as Spring in between!
Got an Arduino for my bday. Can figure out the programming thing decently- but the hardware prototyping. X__X; Feel like Hulk Smash with it. So clumsy.
Meow. Many points to your house.
@CaloenasNicobarica Happy Birthday!! How come you've been hiding? Everything OK?
An Arduino is an awesome birthday present! Was it one of those "from me to me", or did your "roommate" come through for once? I hope you're having a lot of fun with it. I should get one of those. And work on it with the kids. They could use a little intellectual stimulation.
At least they got to actually play outside today (while I gave the lawn its first cut of the year). This was like our one day of spring. Tomorrow I have softball practice in 85 degree weather. Pity me. Yesterday I practiced in around 55 and I liked that much better!
I'm honored that musicals make you think of me! Saturday I saw "Noises Off'", which is not a musical, but it's a very funny play. Our show goes up in just over 2 weeks!
Have a great night and I'll talk to you soon.
@BurkeDevlin
TY! <3
Uh, the hiding thing is kinda a long story. I'll mention things kinda briefly, but it deals with my C-PTSD and trauma kind of stuff. Might be a bit uncomfortable to say the least. [BLARRRF WORD WALL]
Birthdays aren't really that fun for me because of a lot of bein' down on myself about things. Like I should be doing more, I shouldn't celebrate because I haven't done anything with my life. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Besides that, memories of my ex-family and friends came up. A lot of memories. Bad ones. Sometimes the good ones that are sporatically there are worse than the ones that were bad for some reason.
Around the time of my birthday we were gonna get some takeout locally and as I was lookin' through the hours online of places nearby I saw a picture of one of the old friends that did a smear campaign of me and was highly abusive and went nuts essentially, sitting right alongside someone who was friends with the guy who sexually abused me when I was homeless. So that brought up sh*t. I couldn't get into my psych or even get him to call me because he was really busy.
So I ended up opening up to Puer and well...he pulled the same sh*t as before when I confide in him about something like this. I withhold info from him because he will make it about him and then proceed to blame me and insert loads of crazy-making here. ....I burst. I opened to him and as I predicted exactly- it happened that way. Which really f***ed with me. He then proceeded to run off to narcissistic IL-land and come back even more nuts. You can imagine how fun that was to deal with. Since then I've gotten my cool.
There was this mechanism that I found with me that I call Saucy Inner Sister, the shortened form! Wrote this letter to myself about how I hid because I thought I was so freakin' hideous yet there's my old friend out in the daylight when....uh...wow. WTF. "By their own standards, they should be executed." They're not very attractive to put it blatantly. My agoraphobia and a lot of my other social anxiety really went over the edge when these people pulled their BS. Not to mention freak-job BIL who is in the same arena and pulls the same sh*t.
Had this awakening, and ended up opening up about what happened about my sexual assault which I'd been hiding for years. The trauma peeps are pretty supportive, and eventually, I did talk with my psych about it. But I felt an awakening. This thing bit me in the butt to do more. Push myself more. Be way more attentive to my health on all levels. And eventually, I'm gonna do belly dancing like I've always wanted to. Always felt I was too ugly/fat/ashamed to after those creeper ex-friends and people said. But when I looked YT there were people of all shapes, sizes, and appearances doing it. Another shock to me. But a good one.
To top that all off, I've avoided my advisor for around a month. Opened up about my issues with C-PTSD and disassociation to the school disability services and am finally seeking out a new mentor who can deal with the fact I have those issues. I've disassociated so damn much this term. Luckily, I have more than enough time. But my f***in' stupid advisor made it feel like I was down to the last minute each godforsaken week. Yeah. He's not gonna understand. So f*** him. I'm just gonna keep pluggin' along. Probably won't take the Project+ exam because my social anxiety is through the roof. I'll at least make SAP. So thats all I need. Been a nightmarish term, 'specially with the financial aid issues and them locking my account twice because of BS.
Anyway. I like the Arduino! But its really hard to deal with. Wish I would've gotten a book with it, because online projects go from basic and trite intro to engineering degree required in no time flat. X______X; Y'know how it is with tech savvy peeps. XD
The Arduino is the only thing that I got that was a follow through. Came with a little kit. The other stuff was round-about geek swag. Which some of it is nice...but its nothing I truly wanted. Got a pressure cooker thing- an instant pot from an off brand. It works and is really nice to have, but it was just annoying because then I was told that I liked this one better. X______X; WTFF. One of the rare instances where I wanted the brand name. His shopping strategy was running around with his head cut off on the day of my birthday and coming back at like 10pm with things.
I really wanted some new tarot cards and some pagan stuff. But that got scoffed at. It was frustrating because he would try to gaslight me into giving him gift ideas. Different from the gentle prodding or inquiry you do innocently when trying to find out what people want. That added another layer of frustration.
Arduino is less intensive than Raspberry Pi, you can do less with it but its better for beginners. I have a LOOOOOT to read about before I take another crack at it. So its to the side right now. Nintendo released its maker series thing for the Switch. Nintendo Labo. Uses cardboard and you can color on it and make robots and such! That might be fun with the kiddos, too. <3 Heck, I know people my age that want it. Probably will pick one up soon. There's a variety kit and a giant robot kit.
How did softball practice go in the near-summer weather? I bet the kids are enjoying the weather. <3 Its been nice here.
LOL Yep. Burkey=Musical theatre. <3 Noises Off, hmm...read about that and it reminds me of your typical bedroom farce kinda thing. Very British stuff. Saw a play like that once and it was pretty entertaining! Sounds like a lot of fun. Hoooo! How is the setup for your show going? Wishing you and your company luck and sanity in the days ahead!
BTW! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-77cUxba-aA Here's the musical I was talkin' about earlier. Very loladult take on Disney and Aladdin. XD Lord, Aladdin is such a creep in that. Hilarious. Think these people are based in Chicago, at least on the east coast somewhere.
Hope things are going well for you and not a lot of crazy in your world! Remember to take a break once in awhile. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica Hello! Softball practice is going very well, thanks, even as the weather heats up. We have one more tomorrow and then the season starts next week. Im super excited to start playing. Also, the show Ive been working on goes up next Friday. I may actually stop by set build tomorrow night after practice, and then itll take up a chunk of the weekend. I dont know what Im going to do with all of my time after this show is over. Fix up my house and lawn, I guess.
And spend more time on 7cups. I miss you and the other folks around here.
Speaking of theater, this past weekend I went to the premiere of a play called, Sing the Body Electric. So Im getting out and about a little more.
Im sorry your birthday isnt a happier occasion. Here on 7cups, I celebrate with you, with no badness allowed! Im not too keen on my birthday these days, either, though I admit in my case its mostly vanity about getting older.
Dont ever be ashamed of what you look like, Nic. Being healthy and all is great, Im trying to get into shape myself and I support anyone else doing it. But cool and attractive people come in all shapes and sizes, so if you want to go belly dancing, make it so.
Ah, off to bed. Be well, stay strong, and Ill talk to you soon.
Love always.
@BurkeDevlin
Much love to you, Burkeyboo!
Been thinking about you for awhile. Lawd I need to be better organized.
How'd opening weekend go for you and your troupe?
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey Miko!
Thanks for asking - opening weekend was fantastic. It was thrilling, exhausting, a little bit stressful - but Im so glad I was a part of it and it did me a great deal of good. I worked backstage on the Thursday and Friday. I was a runner, which basically means I didnt have any set job, but I would sit in the wings and be sent here and there depending on what the stage manager needed. I even had to make a CVS run during intermission!
And on Friday I was pulled out during Act 2 to help set up for the cast party, which I duly did - but then decided I couldnt go. I was just feeling a little depressed and introverted and sad that it was all over (for me). I feel silly, but I just couldnt people, if that makes sense. Wasnt up to pressing the flesh. I just found the backstage director, thanked her for the opportunity, and slipped out.
But yeah, it was amazing overall. Best thing Ive done for myself lately.
I also finally made it to the doctor a couple of weeks ago. Folks my age (46 in two days - yikes!) are supposed to be going more often than every several years. I got a 7-day course of steroids for my knee, which seems to have helped somewhat actually. Also got an X-ray but dont know the results yet. I seem to be in pretty good health overall, but I also seem to have shrunk half an inch or so. I cant round up to 6 feet anymore. :-(
How are you?? How are classes going? Holding up OK in the house there?
@BurkeDevlin
Hoo! You're a professional Busy Guy for sure!
Before I come back to this, I wanted to make sure to wish you a happy birthday. I know once we get past a certain age birthdays are more like something be ignored. Either way, I hope you have a good one and take some time for yourself. You've been doing great pushing yourself to be social. But have some of that nerdy introverted time for self-care. You deserve some calm, dude. You're the hardest worker I've known! But there's so much more to you than that. <3 *hugs*
@CaloenasNicobarica . You remembered my birthday? You're the BEST!
It's true, I'm getting old enough not to want to run the 'age++' code. I will say, this year's is better than last year's, though. I've come a ways and this year I have friends like you who think of me on this day, which makes a great difference.
I'm definitely going to try and arrange for a little downtime this weekend. Also, my son and I are planning to see the new Avengers movie Saturday.
Thank you so much, and I hope you are fantastic today. Have a little cake in my honor!
@BurkeDevlin
How did your birthday go, Burkey? Did you have fun seeing the new Avengers with your little one? <3 Have heard good things about it.
XD I keep laughing at the age++ thing. And I'm glad you know that you're not some unfriendable monster or something. Because you're not, damn it! You've really put yourself out there with socializing and the like, that takes a lot. Especially when dealing with the old wounds from past stuff and daft SOs whether they be current or ex. Though, I do see that you're running yourself ragged for work. X_X; Burkey needs breaks, and I hope your downtime was relaxing.
I had some takeout in your honor and some dorky confection. I can't remember what it was, though. lol My cat's birthday is a day before yours. Not sure where I'm even going with that. XD
@CaloenasNicobarica Hi! Thats one of the many things I like about you - no matter how nerdy my humor, I can count on you to appreciate it. 
Thanks for raising a confection to me across the distance, Miko. Its nice to celebrate together the only way we can.
The Avengers movie was great! You should go see it. Have you been going to see them all along? See, we havent - although the Marvel movies are totally up my alley, when they started coming out, I had babies and had a hard time getting to the movies, so I just got farther and farther behind. Now one of those ‘babies is my partner-in-crime for such things, but we still havent caught up. We rented a few of the older ones, but this past weekend was going to be our only window to see it for awhile, so we went even not having seen many of them.
It really wasnt ideal. My general comics knowledge filled in some of the gaps, but I was lost for some of it. However, the movie is extremely epic and very well put together. I kind of wished I could see it through my sons eyes. I remember the sense of wonder and amazement when I saw, say Empire Strikes Back or Superman II around his age.
Thanks for the kind words. I admit I often feel unfriendable, if not always like a monster. I guess I try and fill my life with acquaintances and have some fun, at least. It beats listening to Pink Floyd (though I love Pink Floyd) while probing the dark pathways of my psyche with metaphorical sharp implements. I miss theater already. The group is having an end-of-season formal later this month, and Im really on the fence about going. Between ticket, clothes, and parking, Im looking at a $200 night, and what if Im just not in the mood to party then? But I will miss everyone. I do miss everyone. So, I dunno. 
Next week I have to go to Cape Cod on business. Bleh. Ill try and look on the bright side in that at least a kick out of my routine may be what I need to get some motivation back. But its hard to miss the kids for so long.
Also, somehow I managed to catch a wicked cold this week. Ive been feeling like ass since Monday evening. Now its in my lungs. In a few minutes, Im going to tank up on NyQuil and try to sleep it off.
How is everything with you??
@BurkeDevlin
Hey. By this time, I'm kinda guessing you're off of 7cups right now. Hope you have a good 4th, regardless. It was nice knowing you and all. Knowing how you are, you're probably busy AF and trying to make time for the kids. I hope you find some reprieve from all the hustle and bustle of work. And finally, I want you to know I did enjoy your letters on here and the times we've hung out to chat.
Sending much love from the west,
Cal/Pigeon
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey there! I had kind of taken a break for a little while, sorry about that. Real life stuff has really been consuming all that I have. Some 'bad' stuff, and some good also. Just a bit of emotional (and logistical) overload.
I always enjoy hanging out with you too, and I frequently think of you, root for you, and wish you well.
Big hugs. I'll see you around.
@BurkeDevlin
*huggles* BURKEYBOOO! ;------;
I thought something really bad happened. Ehhh, it sounds like you had to deal with even more chaos than before. X___X; It's good to see you, regardless! <3 I saw that Classic NES and SNES is available again through stores, so I immediately thought of you. You're always on my mind as I work my way out of this- even went back and looked at your advice you've given me before. Also, been programming and doing math more diligently! Hope you get time to BS soon. Been watching a lot of Marvel movies lately, and finished up the Star Wars prequel trilogy. I kept laughing at the product placement in the Marvel movies. Like the perfectly placed mustard and Worcestershire sauce on Falcon's fridge in Captain America. Every so often I go around the house placing products in a way like that because it strikes me as weirdly funny. Anyway! Wishing you the best and sending my love from across the country! <3
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! Sorry that I worried you. But Im glad my advice is helping you and Im glad youre working through things. In addition to sampling the very best of 21st century pop culture.
I didnt know that the Classic NES was back! Ill have to put that on my Christmas list. (Again. I think I told you the story of my ex getting it for me 2 years ago, then giving it to someone else instead because she got mad at me for taking off work Christmas week.)
How are things at home? Still working towards ‘the goal?
I hope things are getting better for you. Love ya!
@BurkeDevlin
Hey Burkey, gonna take a few days and go on self-care break. Just wanted to let you know. Will be back soon.
OK. Be well, and I'll see you when you get back!