Check in Aug 11th

I find myself coming here whenever I get down. 'Down' isn't the correct wording for how I feel but I don't know how to explain it. Anyways, when I joyed I was in one of the darkest stages of my life, and since then things have gotten better but I can't help but think if they've actually gotten better or am I suppressing them. I've thought about going to therapy, but with how expensive it is, I can't fully commit to it. This school year one of my goals is to put my mental health as a priority and invest in it but it feels like I get into a runtime of feeling better and forget to prioritize it and it makes me think that perhaps I can deal with it on my own. I know that's a lie but its one I want to desperately believe. I'm also afraid that I will spend money on a therapist that I won't get along with, or one id feel uncomfortable with. I know I have trama I haven't dealt with but I just don't want to tell multiple people the story of my life. I feel like this sounds mean in some ways and I don't want it to come off like that but that's just how I feel.

Anyways, I'm currently feeling sad? with maybe a bit if desperation. I'm not sure, but something happened today and it made me feel the way I feel right before a bad anxiety attack but my brother was near so I had to get it together so he wouldn't notice. I just feel like I can do everything perfectly, and one small error or prove that I actually exit is the end of the world for everyone. Perhaps this is all in my head, but it hurts. I can deal bruises and physical pain but it feels like its the emotional pain that really hurts.