callmeRM Member Profile

Grief sucks

General Support / by callmeRM

October 25th

...See more Grief is so interesting because one day, one moment, you are fine, and the next, you are crying on the freeway. My dog passed away recently, and I’ve done okay with it. I mean, it sucks, but it hasn’t debilitated me like one other passing had. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve dealt with it before, so I’m better at it; because I prayed and asked God to give me strength, and He has; or because I haven’t accepted it. Maybe it’s a mix of all three. But today, I couldn’t stop thinking of her. It started last night when I got an email wishing her a happy early birthday from her vet. Her birthday is in a few days, and I dealt with that fine. Then today, I got a text from her groomer saying she was due for a visit. I had to call them and tell them she’s no longer here. It just sucks. I still walk around like she’s here. I still think like she’s here. In my mind, she is still here, but when I look for her, she’s nowhere to be found. Then sadness hits, and it’s not the all-consuming, tear-shedding, world-shaking sadness. It’s quiet. It mellows everything, like the sky is not quite as blue as before, like it’s just a little harder to breathe. It feels like everything has shifted a bit, not to the point that everything is broken, but the lines don’t line up the way they used to. Then, every now and then, the pain comes. Sometimes it brings tears with it, but most times, it’s this overwhelming, time-shaking, body-aching feeling. This is the one that stops me in my tracks, makes me pause what I’m doing, and feel. I can’t ignore this, nor can I just let it pass. It forces me to feel it. But the hard part isn’t the feeling itself. It’s that life still moves. I still have things I need to do, people I need to show up for, a smile I need to have, pleasantries I need to say. So I take a moment, feel it, gather myself, and repeat: It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. She is okay. Then I say a little prayer, get up, and go. Today marked the two-year passing of the grief that shook my world. Maybe it’s a mix of that, too. I don’t know. Her birthday is on Sunday. Her first birthday without her here. God, I just miss her and wish she were here. Eighteen. She would have been eighteen, and I know that’s a long time for dogs, but forever wouldn’t be long enough with her. She would have been eighteen. We would have decorated the house, gotten her her favorites and an outfit. She would have had the people she loved the most around her, but that just won’t happen. I’m still trying to navigate how to talk about her. Do I talk about her in the present or the past? Like she’s still here or gone? Then people will be like, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry for your loss,” and I don’t want that. I think I’ll always be a mother, but will I have to say she’s in heaven now every time? I miss her so much, and I hope she knows how much I love her. She is my everything, and everything has been harder without her. I made her promises, so I’ll keep pushing, but my heart aches without her.

How do you survive a pet loss?

General Support / by callmeRM

October 9th

...See more How do you survive a pet loss? My baby would be turning 18 on the 25th, but she’s struggling. I know the time is near. I have to make the appointment. It’s probably going to be this week. How? She’s struggling. Every day, I spoon-feed her, help her walk, and sleep with her. She’s so beyond strong, much stronger than me. She’s my world, the air that I breathe, the beat in my chest, the reason I’m still here. She has seen me grow up from middle school to high school, to undergrad, and even to grad school. From my first solo trip to every apartment. She has seen me in the midst of my darkest times and has been the light that showed me the way. She was supposed to walk me down the aisle, meet her siblings, and live the life I worked so hard to provide her. She’s my baby. She’s my world. She’s my everything. How do I let her go? How do I make the call and the appointment? Most of all, how do I show up and hold her hand through it? I told her about Heaven last night. I told her all the people she’ll see again and that one day she’ll see me again. She’s going to be so scared, and I won’t be there to reassure her and show her she’s in a great place. No more Christmas cards. No more hugs or kisses. No more “I love yous.” If the reason I breathe is no longer here, how do I breathe? She’s still here, and it’s already harder to breathe. I know she’ll be in a better place and that she won’t be in any pain or have health issues, but I want HER here by my side forever. And even then, forever wouldn’t be enough. There’s an old R&B song that goes, “How do I breathe without you by my side? Where do I go when your love brought me through the light?” That’s what I keep thinking. What happens when Christmas comes and I don’t have a baby to shop for or holiday photos to take? What happens when her birthday comes and she’s not there for me to celebrate? What about when the next life moment happens and she’s no longer there? When I walk through my doors and the first thing I say is, “Where is my baby?” and she’s not there. What about when others ask about her and I have to say, “She passed”? What happens when the days get dark and the only thing I need is her love? How do I keep going? The crazy thing is, I’m not even a great mom. She deserves so much better, and I wish I could have been better for her. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling like this when I could have been so much better to her. I think the phone call will be okay. I’ll be able to get through the form. But I don’t know how I’m going to go to a building with her and never leave without her. I don’t know how I will hold her hand as she takes her last breath. I have to be there. She’s known me all her life, and even now, when she’s having a hard time, it’s me she wants. But I feel like the only way I’ll leave that room is with me in an ambulance. I really don’t know. I don’t know how anybody does it.

I hate October.

General Support / by callmeRM

September 29th

...See more I hate October. It’s a month that has always been bad to me. It starts with my birthday early in the month, which, to me, has always brought tears. There’s something about my birthday that reminds me how much no one really cares and that people never show up for you in the same way you show up for them. I literally don’t celebrate it. I just celebrate my half-birthday, and on the actual day, I try to serve in whatever way I can so I’m too busy to cry. Then I cry. A few weeks later is the passing anniversary of someone I cared about. I don’t think I’m quite ready to even think about it yet. I’m trying to mentally prepare this year for what is to come. It’s like I have the Sunday scaries, but for the whole month of October. My dog, who will be 18 on October 25, will probably pass in October. There’s a huge home renovation that is an even bigger financial burden that I know I need to deal with. Overall, I just can’t help but feel this October will shake me in ways I’m not ready for. I’m trying to prepare as much as I can, but if I’m being honest, I’m terrified. I’m scared that when the anniversary of my friend’s passing comes, I’ll get in the hole that day brings, and it’ll be another battle to breathe. I’m scared that when the day comes for my dog to see heaven, I will enter a bigger hole that I may not be able to come back from, and that it will change me in ways I’m not ready for. I’m scared that I may not be able to weather what October brings.

I just want a break

General Support / by callmeRM

July 8th

God is so good

Religion & Spirituality / by callmeRM

June 18th

...See more God is so good. For so long I felt like I was in this coninouse state where i would cry to go home and never felt at home anywhere The cry of my heart was to God Some of my earliest memories are of me crying in the halways of my home saying i want to go home This feeling stayed in the background and came with me through moves, transitions and through the best and worst times of life Overtime the feeling also brought a friend one that just didnt want to be here One that saw this life as temporary and was ready for forever This feeling never left aswell, through the best days and worst it stayed Ive had a lot of worst days This feeling was tempting because in the hard days the pain felt pointless, i found myself gripling with the idea of why not just get passed temporary and get to eternity In the darkest days i tried a few times and through the hands of God they didnt work I’ve come to except that God wants me here but that feeling didnt go away overnight Theres a great pain that comes when the only thing your heart crys for is the thing that you cant have Decade after decade the background noise of my life, the brouse of my heart, the cry that comes from the deepest part of my soul is the thing the lord says no to When i was younger i would reason with the lord, like ok if your saying no let me just have like 5 min with you, i had the logistics figured out and everything It got to a point where in late 24 early 25 i told the lord unless you want me to come home you will take this from me During that time i was also in the mits of a grief that I didnt know existed, my first battle with a grief that shook the ground i stood on I didnt understand how the world kept moving when it felt like mine was in a standstill Greif is something i wish on nobody Greif with the constant longing for a home not on earth and the knowledge that this is temporary was a recipe for disaster I should have been checked in to a mental hospital and i have no clue how i got through that alone but more shockingly with no one knowing how bad it go, its amazing what a smile can hide It got to the point where i broke down and told God, lord take this from me or im coming home Have you ever asked God to take your hand from you or your leg, then image he does take the hand or the leg, it felt like that I had this feeling for so long it felt not only a permanent part of me but one that i didnt even know i could give to God I spoke to God about it all the time but even ask for help but i had never gave it to him, i didnt know it was an option Then I did and he took it away Its something that i dont think i can ever describe properly I felt it being taken from my body The cry of my heart was pasified, the brouse is healed, the background noise was silenced It brought with it peace It didnt take away the troubles of life, they still come, im in one now, but in the hylands and the heart breaks the unrest is not there The cribliness of the friend whent away but the truth didnt now i reconize its truth and live this temporary life for however long it takes to get to forever Im no longer tempted by forever but joyfull for whoever gets to see it More then anything im so grateful for the good that God is

I won’t let despair take over.

Religion & Spirituality / by callmeRM

April 11th

...See more I won’t let despair take over. Been there, done that and it doesn’t change anything, nor does it make me feel better. So I choose not to ignore my circumstance, but rather, despite it, I choose not to stay in that dark space. I know God is working, and this is not where I will stay forever. This too shall pass. Every now and then, though, I’m forced to face the reality of it, to be confronted by the true hardship, and it can be so overwhelming that despair shows its face. I sit in it for a moment; not enough to live in it, but enough to recognize it and let it pass. Enough to shed the tears of the hard steps I take daily. I don’t know how long this season of life is, but I pray that it ends soon. It’s hard overwhelming at times. It’s heart aching, the type of pain that makes you kneel at church and just cry. It’s mind changing. I will never be the same again. The way I view the world and life has forever changed and maybe that’s not a bad thing. In a few hours, I’ll be fine. The tears will have dried, and the only evidence of this moment will be the small ache in my heart that begs for relief. I won’t let despair take over.

Unemployed for 3 years

General Support / by callmeRM

March 26th

...See more I feel like I should preface this by saying I am so blessed to have a family that will catch me before I even get the chance to fall, and bandage my wounds. And ultimately, I know it will work out, but I just want to get to it working out. I have been unemployed for nearly three years, and in that time I have taken different retail jobs, but even then it’s been hard to get them. I just feel like my life has paused until I find a job. It’s important not to let your job define you, but it’s what gives you access to the things that do. Like, I can’t hang out with friends because I can’t afford the gas to get there, let alone parking and whatever activity or meal. I can’t go to someone’s house because everyone either lives with their parents or with 10 other people. I can’t have the house, kids, and partner because I can’t afford it. And suddenly I start thinking maybe I don’t want kids or a partner, and sometimes I’m not sure if that’s what I really think, or if I think that because I know it doesn’t feel possible. I can’t even go window shopping because I feel like nothing looks good on me, and even if it did, I couldn’t afford it. I can’t show up for my community the way I want to. I can’t live life the way I want to. Then I think about AI and the future, is it as good as we say it is? Is it better, or is it worse? What does that even mean? Am I going to grad school for a degree that won’t matter in two years? Then I start thinking, is this what my life is coming to? Is this what it’s all about, where I’m coasting off the people who care about me? Will this be forever? Then I think, what am I doing wrong? Am I not smart enough? What am I missing? I know it all works out, it always has, so it will. But the future I believe is so much brighter than today feels hazy and hard to see or understand. I’ve come a long way, because this feeling would have crippled me before. But now I know it’s temporary, and I just have to keep going and have faith. But sometimes it gets hard.

The pain of my heart

General Support / by callmeRM

October 12th, 2025

...See more Ohh to write about pain where do i start The pain in my heart I could start where I talk about the life I lived, the future I thought was so certain one with bright lights and an even brighter future, the one where breath came easy and i faced the noise with a smile and bright eyes knowing I could tackle anything that faced me, the one where I was so exite in the world I lived and the one I have yet to see, that person is me the me I took so much time and effert to make the me with the futer I took to make the me that almost feels forgoten almost unknowen its the me that everyone knows and loves, the me that everyone asks for, the me that I wish so bad I could bring back, its the me without the hurt, without the pain, its the me that hasnt been so hurt shes afaired to dream, people ask for her back I dream for her back, in dreams she still exisits and shes telling me the exact way to get her back. Oh how I wish she was me again even for a sec so she can make a message from this mess so she can write out a plan so she can tell me the way out, just for a moment. Or I can start on the living room couch surrounded with all my freinds talking about the future of us older and wiser with kids and familys. How the best freinds would make best freinds that would grow up together. Where they would laughed and played all day but life got in the way and the reality is that the kids dont even know each others names, we havent spoken in years and the only time we saw eachother was for the funeral of one of our own. So much left unsaid that could never be said, we had a funeral before we had a wedding or reunion before we hashed things out before our kids became bestfreinds. I think about that a lot, I live with it. The reality that so much pain of the past has happend that could we ever reunite, could that futur of us all togerher exisit even with one of us always missing, I think no but a small part of me hopes so. Or I could talk about how they passed and how when I relized the passed willingly, I understood it and the real reason it runined me is becouse in some ways I wished it was me and in others times I wish I was there, for just one hug, one how are you...really, one yes well all see eachother and talk but ultmitly i understood the pain and I wished with all my heart you didnt Or I could just talk about how the last few years have broken me down in ways I could have never imagend, how just when I think there is no more of me to breake im proven wrong. I can talk about the countless times I broke down on my knees begging God to show up, to give me some sourt of light that guides me out of the darkeness. I can talk about how much I fought with my faith and almost lost it or the coutless journal entrys writen with shaking hands hoping that if I put the pain into words it would some how leave me. I can tell you about the disapointment I see in the eyes that look at me in the mirrior, how she shakes her head back at me asking 'how did you get here? where did you go wrong?' as the feeling of greive, disipotment and pain shakes in her body and silently she wispers back at me 'youll be ok' a chant that im not sure either of us beleive but one that is said everytime even if to just fake a little hope Or how I had to beg God to take the disire to go home from me and thanks to him it has but how even now when the lights go out and the pain fades in and I no longer have to fake it there is a breeze that makes me want to go home, even for just a moment or just to take a break from the pain but I wont becouse the disire is gone but sometimes im tempted to entertain the breeze I could talk extensively about the pain of my heart but for now I'll leave it as this, at times the pain feels like a bruise one that is forgten if not touched but one that is crippling when you accidentally touch it I have touched my bruise

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