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callmeRM
1 1,466 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts327 Forum posts90 Forum upvotes287 Current upvotes287 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceJuly 25, 2020
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I just want a break
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 July 8th
...See more I've through worst and know that this isnt the end of the world But the last week have been brutal Family emergency after emegency, ER after ER all while also trying to take care of myself and stay on track with my goals I just want a break I thought today was going to be a good day, then bang something happens And you know what I AM OVER IT Its not the end of the world and this will work out but i just wanted an easy day or at least one where there isnt a fire  like this is the last thing i needed or wanted  for a breif second it made me think how much i fall short, how much things are just not sticking, like duhh it would happen to me  anyways im going to figure it out and if i cant i cant change what i cant control so it is what it is
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God is so good
Religion & Spirituality / by callmeRM
Last post
 June 18th
...See more God is so good. For so long I felt like I was in this coninouse state where i would cry to go home and never felt at home anywhere The cry of my heart was to God Some of my earliest memories are of me crying in the halways of my home saying i want to go home This feeling stayed in the background and came with me through moves, transitions and through the best and worst times of life Overtime the feeling also brought a friend one that just didnt want to be here One that saw this life as temporary and was ready for forever This feeling never left aswell, through the best days and worst it stayed Ive had a lot of worst days This feeling was tempting because in the hard days the pain felt pointless, i found myself gripling with the idea of why not just get passed temporary and get to eternity In the darkest days i tried a few times and through the hands of God they didnt work I’ve come to except that God wants me here but that feeling didnt go away overnight Theres a great pain that comes when the only thing your heart crys for is the thing that you cant have Decade after decade the background noise of my life, the brouse of my heart, the cry that comes from the deepest part of my soul is the thing the lord says no to When i was younger i would reason with the lord, like ok if your saying no let me just have like 5 min with you, i had the logistics figured out and everything It got to a point where in late 24 early 25 i told the lord unless you want me to come home you will take this from me During that time i was also in the mits of a grief that I didnt know existed, my first battle with a grief that shook the ground i stood on I didnt understand how the world kept moving when it felt like mine was in a standstill  Greif is something i wish on nobody  Greif with the constant longing for a home not on earth and the knowledge that this is temporary was a recipe for disaster I should have been checked in to a mental hospital and i have no clue how i got through that alone but more shockingly with no one knowing how bad it go, its amazing what a smile can hide It got to the point where i broke down and told God, lord take this from me or im coming home Have you ever asked God to take your hand from you or your leg, then image he does take the hand or the leg,  it felt like that I had this feeling for so long it felt not only a permanent part of me but one that i didnt even know i could give to God I spoke to God about it all the time but even ask for help but i had never gave it to him, i didnt know it was an option Then I did and he took it away Its something that i dont think i can ever describe properly  I felt it being taken from my body The cry of my heart was pasified, the brouse is healed, the background noise was silenced It brought with it peace  It didnt take away the troubles of life, they still come, im in one now, but in the hylands and the heart breaks the unrest is not there  The cribliness of the friend whent away but the truth didnt now i reconize its truth and live this temporary life for however long it takes to get to forever  Im no longer tempted by forever but joyfull for whoever gets to see it More then anything im so grateful for the good that God is
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I won’t let despair take over.
Religion & Spirituality / by callmeRM
Last post
 April 11th
...See more I won’t let despair take over. Been there, done that and it doesn’t change anything, nor does it make me feel better. So I choose not to ignore my circumstance, but rather, despite it, I choose not to stay in that dark space. I know God is working, and this is not where I will stay forever. This too shall pass. Every now and then, though, I’m forced to face the reality of it, to be confronted by the true hardship, and it can be so overwhelming that despair shows its face. I sit in it for a moment; not enough to live in it, but enough to recognize it and let it pass. Enough to shed the tears of the hard steps I take daily. I don’t know how long this season of life is, but I pray that it ends soon. It’s hard overwhelming at times. It’s heart aching, the type of pain that makes you kneel at church and just cry. It’s mind changing. I will never be the same again. The way I view the world and life has forever changed and maybe that’s not a bad thing. In a few hours, I’ll be fine. The tears will have dried, and the only evidence of this moment will be the small ache in my heart that begs for relief. I won’t let despair take over.
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Unemployed for 3 years
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 March 26th
...See more I feel like I should preface this by saying I am so blessed to have a family that will catch me before I even get the chance to fall, and bandage my wounds. And ultimately, I know it will work out, but I just want to get to it working out. I have been unemployed for nearly three years, and in that time I have taken different retail jobs, but even then it’s been hard to get them. I just feel like my life has paused until I find a job. It’s important not to let your job define you, but it’s what gives you access to the things that do. Like, I can’t hang out with friends because I can’t afford the gas to get there, let alone parking and whatever activity or meal. I can’t go to someone’s house because everyone either lives with their parents or with 10 other people. I can’t have the house, kids, and partner because I can’t afford it. And suddenly I start thinking maybe I don’t want kids or a partner, and sometimes I’m not sure if that’s what I really think, or if I think that because I know it doesn’t feel possible. I can’t even go window shopping because I feel like nothing looks good on me, and even if it did, I couldn’t afford it. I can’t show up for my community the way I want to. I can’t live life the way I want to. Then I think about AI and the future, is it as good as we say it is? Is it better, or is it worse? What does that even mean? Am I going to grad school for a degree that won’t matter in two years? Then I start thinking, is this what my life is coming to? Is this what it’s all about, where I’m coasting off the people who care about me? Will this be forever? Then I think, what am I doing wrong? Am I not smart enough? What am I missing? I know it all works out, it always has, so it will. But the future I believe is so much brighter than today feels hazy and hard to see or understand. I’ve come a long way, because this feeling would have crippled me before. But now I know it’s temporary, and I just have to keep going and have faith. But sometimes it gets hard.
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The pain of my heart
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 October 12th, 2025
...See more Ohh to write about pain where do i start  The pain in my heart I could start where I talk about the life I lived, the future I thought was so certain one with bright lights and an even brighter future, the one where breath came easy and i faced the noise with a smile and bright eyes knowing I could tackle anything that faced me, the one where I was so exite in the world I lived and the one I have yet to see, that person is me the me I took so much time and effert to make the me with the futer I took to make the me that almost feels forgoten almost unknowen its the me that everyone knows and loves, the me that everyone asks for, the me that I wish so bad I could bring back, its the me without the hurt, without the pain, its the me that hasnt been so hurt shes afaired to dream, people ask for her back I dream for her back, in dreams she still exisits and shes telling me the exact way to get her back. Oh how I wish she was me again even for a sec so she can make a message from this mess so she can write out a plan so she can tell me the way out, just for a moment. Or I can start on the living room couch surrounded with all my freinds talking about the future of us older and wiser with kids and familys. How the best freinds would make best freinds that would grow up together. Where they would laughed and played all day but life got in the way and the reality is that the kids dont even know each others names, we havent spoken in years and the only time we saw eachother was for the funeral of one of our own. So much left unsaid that could never be said, we had a funeral before we had a wedding or reunion before we hashed things out before our kids became bestfreinds. I think about that a lot, I live with it. The reality that so much pain of the past has happend that could we ever reunite, could that futur of us all togerher exisit even with one of us always missing, I think no but a small part of me hopes so. Or I could talk about how they passed and how when I relized the passed willingly, I understood it and the real reason it runined me is becouse in some ways I wished it was me and in others times I wish I was there, for just one hug, one how are you...really, one yes well all see eachother and talk but ultmitly i understood the pain and I wished with all my heart you didnt Or I could just talk about how the last few years have broken me down in ways I could have never imagend, how just when I think there is no more of me to breake im proven wrong. I can talk about the countless times I broke down on my knees begging God to show up, to give me some sourt of light that guides me out of the darkeness. I can talk about how much I fought with my faith and almost lost it or the coutless journal entrys writen with shaking hands hoping that if I put the pain into words it would some how leave me. I can tell you about the disapointment I see in the eyes that look at me in the mirrior, how she shakes her head back at me asking 'how did you get here? where did you go wrong?' as the feeling of greive, disipotment and pain shakes in her body and silently she wispers back at me 'youll be ok' a chant that im not sure either of us beleive but one that is said everytime even if to just fake a little hope Or how I had to beg God to take the disire to go home from me and thanks to him it has but how even now when the lights go out and the pain fades in and I no longer have to fake it there is a breeze that makes me want to go home, even for just a moment or just to take a break from the pain but I wont becouse the disire is gone but sometimes im tempted to entertain the breeze I could talk extensively about the pain of my heart but for now I'll leave it as this, at times the pain feels like a bruise one that is forgten if not touched but one that is crippling when you accidentally touch it  I have touched my bruise 
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I hate october the journy of greif
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 October 4th, 2025
...See more Grief is such an intersting thing becouse just when you think you are ok, your not I saw an old freind from a far today and just that quick glance made me remeber the freind that passed It brought back this ace in my chest, this feeling that for so long i thought would be a permante fixture of my heart and some how i have forgoten its there The freind and I will be meeting up in a few days to catch up, we'ere meeting in october just days from the aniversry  I hate october and I feel like seeing that freind was the perfect better start to a month I wish would just disapear im not ready for october, my eyes are already tearing, my heart is already hurting and im already braking Im trying to brace myself for the emotional impact that october will bring but I know no matter how much I prepair I will never be ready I wont be ready for the meeting with the freind, the tragitys of the month and I sure as heck wont be ready for the aniversry  Will I ever be get over this greive, will I live my whole life avoiding the freinds that remind me of the person, will the pain ever fully go away There is just a song that says that greif is just love with no place to go
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A little after grieve
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 July 25th, 2025
...See more i came on here a few months ago in the begining and middle of my grief journey it was my first time experiencing a loss that was life changing I had never experianced a pain so deep, so shatering, so reconing  A pain i didnt see a way out of, one that didnt feel just physical but like something more It wasnt just the pain of emotion that i was feeling, my phyical heart hurt, my eyes dried because they could no longer make tears, my knees bent cus they couldnt hold me up, my throught was hourse from all the times i spoke to him, yelled at God and just broke down sobing So i came on here to put feeling to paper, to put something I coudnt undertand into something outside of me I was both comforted, shocked and shattered by the comments Comforted with the knowledge that at least one person felt something similar and although I couldn't see a way out of the pain they are proof that it does go away Shocked on how meny people felt the same or similar pain and life kept moving, mine did to but it felt like it shoudnt Shattered becouse at the time breathing made me brake down and I would read the comment with tears and snot rolling down my face Im writing this now becouse I just saw one of the last vidios of they were in unxpectly and I relized how far ive come I dont know when and i dont know how but the cripling pain started to dull  It didnt happen overnight, the first two weeks felt like 20 years, but it got better I think subcontiously I stoped looking at anything that reminded me of them, even now there are artest, pictures, vidios, etc i avoid but it helped a lot I write this becouse even seeing that vidio hurt a bit, but it also reminded me they wernt perfect and its something im thinking about now Grive gave me rose colored glasses and that video reminded me that ultimately just like any human they fell short and that doesnt mean they diserved this at all its just a reminder that athough they were great they didnt have it all together
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I dont know how to human
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 April 22nd, 2025
...See more I wish I knew how to human I just dont know how to human  How to say the right things, when to know when to talk, when to know when to not talk, when to discuss something with someone, when to let it go, where to be, where not to be, how to reach out, how to stay connected, ect. I can go on and on for days I know how to 'turn it on' and be extroverted for moments or an event but I cant sustain that or build relationships on that level and to an extent, that is not me I've struggled all my life with being human, from the way I think to the way I act, its always been a struggle and I don't see how this is sustainable  Like, can I live an actual life when I don't human well or right All aspects of my life have taken a hit because I don't human well, from my professional life to my personal life Like how is this sustainable - it isnt and quite frankly, it isn't a life I want - I just don't know how to change or what to change  If I can live my life secluded somewhere with just myself and my books, I would, thrive but I can't and its not realistic so in this reality where I need to work and friends is a part of being human, I need to learn to be human but how  I have searched every search engine on the different versions of how to human, I have looked at every video, listened to every podcast and it has helped me with being 'on' but I either don't fully understand or im missing something cus I still dont know how to human Like I said this isn't sustainable, something has to change
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