Confession
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I sometimes resent my family for keeping me alive.
I've had oral sex multiple times in multiple ways none that have been enjoyable......and all have been before I was 16
I wish I were taller and skinnier, and prettier and smarter... I wish I could have a real job with a real salary. I wish I could be as perfect as my parents want me to be.
I confess that i am afraid. I'm afraid to live, afraid to love, and afraid that every choise i make has been made for nothing. And im afraid this is all my life ever will Be.
I don't hate eating, I'm not anorexic, and I don't like starving. But I hate eating in front of other people, I feel like I shouldn't feel beautiful around others or see myself as thin. I feel like I have to have an eating disorder and I feel like a pig for not. A part of me doesn't want to get better, a part of me wants me to suffer...
I completely relate to your feeling that part of you wants you to suffer. I never had body image issues regarding my weight, but I did keep myself from eating as a way to punish myself. Starving was, for me, a form of self-harm just like cutting. While I dont know the details of your situation, and I am writing this two years after your post, I want to let you know that it can, and does get better. Yes, I know "it gets better" feels like an empty cliche, something people just say to make us shut up about our pain. But I've been there. I've felt lower than low and I've wanted to end my life. Yet, here I am now, still alive, and the happiest I have been in five years. Hold on. It gets better.
I'm sacred of so many things. Being alone. Getting trapped with my thoughts. I'm scared of what I might do in the future or even how it'll turn out. What will happen this school year ...so much.
Cockroaches freak the hell out of me, especially flying ones. However I'm totally okay with wasps, spiders, and rodents.
I have a fear of frogs and toads it make me shudder even typing this.
I can't eat around others or stay calm in public. In fact I get so scared even when I only have to walk past someone. Also I feel that by helping others I can make up for all the bad people in the world.
I hear voices - well verbal thoughts which I have little control over, like projections from my subconscious mind - I didn't know what to think of it, I knew it wasn't real, but I wasn't sure why they were there. Then I met someone like me. The twist? She hears 1 voice, I hear 6.
They come and go, but they rarely are kind. And now that they are back I'm unsure of what to do.
I know I rarely ask you how you're doing, what's wrong. I know I can be moody, I know Ivan be a horrible friend, and I'm sorry. I don't hate you I'm just not very trusting, and emotionally unstable.
I really wish I could tell my friend that, but I suck at apologizing, and he probably hates me so I'm here doing absolutely nothing about it😓
Maybe try writing a letter of you can't say it to his face just yet. But if you let him in, maybe you can't be emotionally unstable together...? Friends are suppose to be there when you need to use them the most. Frequent Rage Irritation Envy Nonsense Duties for a friend