Confession

One time I ate a maple leaf because I thought it would have maple syrup in it but nope. Just grassy juices and chlorophyll. Now I wont eat lettuce because I just taste the same mushy leafiness.

I miss my mom very much

I still live in the same area as my ex, stalker, and rapist (same person) and still fear that he will find me even though we have no mutual contacts, I am not on social media anymore, and have moved several times.

part of me wants to fit in, part of me wants to set an example, and part of me wants to give up

Im bisexual and Im finally coming to terms after 10years of self denial and shame. Well the shame is still there because of my fear of judgment from my family and colleagues. I want to make sure Im financially independent completely before I come out to everyone. It feels like Im holding my breath everyday because Im not living my life as my authentic self.

I am alone and feel like I am going to remain like this. I keep ruining all relationships and friendships I have. I feel like I am a terrible person and I want to be someone else.

I dont like babies.

My first story that freaked me out with infant was when I changed my brother. I was 12 and my stepmother was going to Wal-Mart, she was only going to be gone 20 minutes, but of course during that time my brother decided to mess in his diaper. He was about 6 months, the age where they roll and crawl. I found the last diaper, put it on the couch, put him on the couch, but I lost the baby wipes. . . Grrr. I was looking for the damn wipes. I found them, he was only rocking back and forth, but still on the couch.

I took off his dirty diaper and clean up but then the clean diaper was gone. I moved him, but it was not under him. I put him back on the couch as I look behind the couch I heard a splat and the a shrieking cry. My baby brother had rolled off the couch on to the hard wooden floor. I grab the baby and the diaper on the floor as it was under the couch.

I put him on the couch, and checked him head to toe. . . There were no bumps, no bruises. He was okay. Im freaking out still which was why he was still crying. I put his diaper on him and tried to call him down.

Once she got home, I told my stepmother who checks him over and give me a mixture of laughter, yelling, lecturing me (as if she was communicating me with different personalities, I felt like I was talking to Glenda the good witch, the wicked witch, and a mama dragon.) Then my stepmother said Im telling your father. Im freaking out crying in the shower thinking Im going to get grounded because I am not responsible, because my stepmother is going to make it sound that I wanted to hurt my baby brother. . . In reality it was just accident.

I told my dad when he got home, he looked over my brother, and just said be more careful next time.

(It didnt help that I had just hit by a car months before this incident.

I cant hold a baby or change a baby under a year without freaking out in fear Ill hurt that one too. Im too nervous, scared, and anxious that Im accidently going to hurt anyone elses kid.

I dont know how I managed to take care of my youngest brother, but from the moment I got my first drivers tempts I blocked out from the years 15 and half to almost 18.)

I posted more on my blog beckyms1213 on WordPress

@blitheSun94

same

If I ever have to give up my writing for a 9 to 5 job, I am pretty sure I will take everyone out or at least myself.

I have gotten so good at masking my emotions that nearly everyone remarks at how calm and unflappable I am in any situation. If only they knew the inner turmoil I face and how scared I am ....