Confession

Not sure if this is an appropriate ‘confession as such for this thread but my confession is that my family (just my brother and my mum) dont know that I am sometimes really not okay. I dont let my mum know how sometimes I go crazy and have lashed out at the kids. She doesnt know how much I protect her from the bad mouthing I get from in laws and hubby on her and how I am horribly stuck in the middle. Im most of the time exhausted. But I dont want to burden my mum anymore as she has depression.... My brother, he is too busy and exhausted himself with dealing with his own life that I dont want to bother him either.

Guess what Im trying to say is I put my loved ones above myself, especially my mum... when I really guess I really could do with the support. Im usually a humble person but I just feel like putting it out there. I am a really kind person, always feeling for others around me, including my in laws (and hubby at times) and then I put others first but that is to the expense of my own mental and emotional well-being. And now for the sake of the kids mainly I am staying in this marriage.

I hate my dad. I feel like he could have done so much more than he did for me and my mum.

My confession...? I have a few I might post... but this one is the worst.

I am so insecure with my body. I am fat. Really, really fat. I fit in an XL/ 14-16 depending on the brand and never had to buy above that but honestly... I look bigger than that. My stomach is disgusting. I just noticed about two months ago that it has a little hang part. my arms are disgusting to, way to big... I've tried every diet. Smoothie diet, soup diet, all liquid, intermittent fasting (this actually works but I have no fuckin willpower bc I'm disgusting) , vegetarian, vegan... lots... some worked. Some didnt.

But all of them I couldn't stick too it. I'm just getting fatter and fatter and I don't know what to do anymore. Its an endless cycle. I eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed bc I'm fat (amongst other shit but this is the worst) and again... I eat bc I'm depressed. I can't make it stop. I have no will power. If I have a craving for sugar, it stays in my brain until I get it.

I know there's a lot of this "body positivity" shit going around... but I can't be positive about myself until I lose the weight... and I feel hopeless doing that. I wear shapewear just to sit at my 9-5 job...

I know this sounds harsh, inwardly. And thats because I think like this to myself every day. I don't know which habit to break first... hating myself and calling myself names or to just stop eating sweets, carbs and oily stuff (which is another problem in itself bc my fiance refuses to go on a healthy diet and I cant afford to buy two separate groceries for us ... and he won't allow me to join the gym either... and I can't afford an elliptical to do it at home... Im afraid to go to a park.. people will see my pathetic attempt to run and laugh at the land whale)

Okay I'm done.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way my friend but just try to take it one day at a time as you begin to start your new life.

Start with trying to think positive things about yourself and quit putting yourself down. If you can change the way you think

about yourself everything else will follow suit.