Confession
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I sometimes resent my family for keeping me alive.
I think about things that I wish that I didn't. I cut myself and I wish that I didn't. I wish that I was able to stop. I wish that it mattered what I wished for. I wish I wasn't so pretentious that I wrote that. I really don't like anything and I don't really think I will ever be able to. To me, life is just a transient state- we are all just waiting for death and every day that we deny that that is what we are doing, we hurt ourselves even more as individuals. I mean, i just don't understand. You can look at the glass and say that it is half full, but that means that it is also half empty. It also means that there is something there to be wanted, something that is missing. You cannot ignore something that calls out to you. You can't. But the fact that you cannot have it is worse than never seeing the glass in the first place, and the only way to solve the problem of the water in the glass is to drink it. But if you drink it, then that is just it. You never know if you will get another glass, or what might have happened with it- even if the reality of the glass always having the capacity for emptiness is all thag seems to matter. But no, in not suicidal. Not actively.
@emotionalPal9880 hey, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Thanks for being so brave and sharing. There are lots of brave people here today.
The way I prefer to maintain my relationships is by having at least a nice little chat every day or two, depending on how close I am to the said person. This chat does not have to be long at all, just like a "hello, how was your day?"
So here's the confession:
I sometimes feel as if I am not paid enough attention by the people around me, and in prolonged cases, I will start doing things for their negative attention.
@ArasZ
I don't think that makes you any different than anyone else. I just think that you are more aware of it than others.
I do not want anymore children, and I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing that about yourself. 
@blitheSun94
I totally agree. I never wanted the responsibility, so I never had kids.
I still get the urge to talk to my abusive ex. Why? I'm not entirely sure...I just do.
He treated me like garbage and I still wanna talk to him. Not just him tho. This girl who turned me down for no particular reason.
I had her blocked on social media...and I unblocked her on one of them...and whenever I see her name come across my feed..I get a super strong urge to talk to her...but I know I shouldn't. She hates me as well.
@lovingPine3496
Sometimes we most want what we can't have. I can understand why that might intrigue you. I hope you find some peace. <3
I still have a hard time getting out of bed. I still don't want to exist most days but I do it anyways, because I know there's some people that care and I don't want to hurt them.
I still hate crying in front of people. I feel weak and unworthy to be loved.
I still get scared to be around people. When I let you know something it is out of complete trust, and recently I have been betrayed and I feel like crap.
I just want to feel loved by people and find this world is so cold.
I resent myself for gaining weight and not being under a [edited by Anomalia for weight/BMI specifics / triggers] bmi anymore. I was happier when I was [edited]lbs and I actually felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel angry everytime I looked in the mirror, I saw progress.
I know this isn't normal, that I have an eating disorder. I do not wish anyone else to feel this way, nor encourage individuals to starve, purge or hurt themselves in the effort to be thin.
I have hated my body for as long as I can remember and I think it's a battle I will continue to face for a long time.
I apologize if anyone found this triggering, I just needed to get this down.
I wish I could learn to live for today instead of worrying about the future.
@lazyKatz
Katz, if you ever learn how to do this, write a book and you will make millions. I think that many people struggle with it too
I drank and overdosed with opioids at the start of this month with no intent to kill myself and didn't realize it could've been fatal.
@GruesomeRed
What self care are you doing to be sure it does not happen again? Can you talk to a mental health professional about this?
@braveKitten4951 Hello. It was very thoughtful of you to ask this question. I've had these kind of problems on and off - I've been trying to recover for almost a year now. I haven't told any professionals about my latest incidents with self-harm, because I'm afraid they'd put me in a ward. But I've realized that this is a serious issue, and I need to keep it under control because if it starts spiraling out, I'll end up dead quite fast. There's nothing really that any professional could do about this, it's me who has to make the decision to help myself.
The reason I did this was because my personality is kind of fragmented, and one "voice" was begging me to let him out and take control. I was afraid that if I didn't let him do anything he wants, he would later then just take control by force and do something really bad and possibly hurt other people around me. So I decided that I'd let that "voice" and his urges manifest in the least harmful way I could come up with (he was at first suggesting going running outdoors looking for a dealer ang people to pick up fights with), so instead of that I decided to drank what I had left from New Year's eve and take a few pills with that, and stay home listening to music(the voice was satisfied with this). Before I realized, I had taken all I had in store and a few hours later I was lying on the bathroom floor, regretting it all.
I've been trying to practice mindfulness and be more aware of my urges, and reason with myself whenever the "voices" get too loud and try to push me to do stupid things. For example, if I feel violent(to the point where I could attack someone entering the room), I just tell myself "yeah, you're a big scary badass, here, have a snickers bar and a coloring book, watch some cartoons and chill out" and then I spend an hour or two coloring dinosaurs while wrapped in a blanket, scowling at everything around me, and at some point those violent urges have turned into a realization that I was just hungry, bored and pissed off. So essentially I just have to recognize which "voice" is up each time there is some trouble, and then treat myself accordingly, not giving in even an inch. Because if I feel violent and start tearing up paper or punching pillows, I won't be able to stop myself and soon I'll be punching walls and breaking stuff. It was a mistake to let myself have a few drinks the last time.
So I've decided that I'll keep on pushing these urges away and find alternative ways to express myself rather than go and sabotage my own life.
Thank you for asking, writing this allows me to see things from another perspective.
@GruesomeRed
Hi Red. Please understand that you can find some help. There are many meds that can help with it. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right mix, but you eventually will.
You cannot be forced to go in-patient unless you are homicidal or suicidal, which is sounds like you are able to control. Which, by the way, talk about inner strength, wow, you have it.
Just keep in mind that there is help. Don't be afraid of it.
@braveKitten4951 It's funny to see how I'm refusing help, and on the other hand I want it. Maybe it's because I still see myself as a bad person who has no real problems and is just using up everyone else's time when I could just go and deal with everything on my own. But I also understand that if I'm alone with this, it'll just grow bigger and meaner in my head.
Your reply is much appreciated!
Im horrible at recovering buts it's okay because I'm not bad enough to desperately need it but anyways I'm horrible at recovering because I'll get this rare little kick of motivation and be good for a few days to a few weeks and when I think I'm happy I'll give my girlfriend an update in the form of txt and she'll be so proud of me even though she knows it won't last long but for that short moment we believe but then I put all this stress on me to be perfect then I quickly have a tiny relapse maybe a purge here or skipped meal there but then I become so hard on myself that I spiral out of control messing everything up
