Confession

Since a period of social isolation, loneliness, depression and anxiety I feel that I really don't know myself at all. I don't know who I am!

On a quora post, I tried to answer a question about what my suicide note would contain. I ended up writing what my suicide note would have looked like if I had followed through with it a month ago.

It scares me so much I chucked my phone away from me halfway through. To this day, I still think about suicide sometimes, but I'm not active. Sometimes I wonder whether or not any of this or anything that we do even matters in the end.

I've been in an abusive relationship and now being without it makes me sad and lonely. Normal, healthy relationships seem wrong to me now. I know im not in the right mental frame of mind but i dont know how to get out of it.

I hide all my pain. I don't want to face it. I want to keep myself hidden from everyone so they dont judge me for being negative and depressed. I make everyone else happy but myself. I put a.smile on and tri k everyone into thinking I'm happy. I'm not. I wish someone would see right through me and see I'm in pain that I need help. But I've gotten so good at hiding it people don't see it anymore. Sometimes I do show people how I feel but then I think they get too freaked out they don't know what to do. They don't know how to help so I say I just had breakdown and it's not important. It's important! Listen to my actions, listen to my eyes when you can see the sadness in them. When I sit around for days, talking to no one. I need someone to help me get put of this funk and I need motivation. I need hobbies. I need a friend to enjoy my hobbies, to enjoy my company, to want to be around me. I get the feeling no one likes me and no one wants to hangout with me. I'm not negative and sad all the time. I just need someone and something to help

I've been seriously neglecting my chores at home because of my depression. I can't invite anyone over at the moment because I'm ashamed of the state of my place. Yet I can't find motivation to clean it. I smell the trash bin and dishes piling up the sink and it disgusts me. People say that having a clean home means taking pride in yourself and your things. Right now I just do not care. Thanks a lot depression

I had two abortions, one in 1983 and then was a jerk all over again in 1984.

I feel like it's better to have less friends. Anxiety is always there when it comes to my peer relationships. I always ended up doubting them. I feel like they are all fake and doesn't really like to be with me. I'm not that comfortable to vent out all my feelings to them because of my trust issues. I feel like they are just waiting for me to cut ties with them. I feel like they can leave me easily. I still feel awkward whenever I'm with them because I'd rather be alone. I always wanted to be alone but somewhere in me wanted to be loved and cared by them. I don't know, I think, maybe this is all just in the mind.

I have scars all over my arms from cutting years ago, and acid burns from removing all my moles and sunspots.

I honestly don't like my parents as people because they are honestly missing an empathy chip in their functioning and can't handle any disagreement or anything that isn't utter reverence. The only thing is that they hold my beloved sister hostage or else I would be gone from their lives

I got thrown out of graduate school as I was fasting so much and going up and down 15 pounds a week that the professors knew I was troubled and unstable. I was removed from the student teacher's program and just had to sit thru the classes, which was a huge waste of my time. Instead of going to graduation which was not for me anyhow - I blew Dodge and went to England for 5 weeks without saying a word to anyone. The Dean gave my diploma to my mother who went up to the school to see if it was even possible for me to receive one.