Confessions of a confused raven
Hi everyone!
So, I guess I'm giving this a go. Here are some of the things that are on my mind. I'm happy for people to reply.
Feeling very anxious today. I hate anxious days. They don't happen very often anymore, but it's been a long few weeks.
I think I'm falling in love with my boyfriend but I'm worried he doesn't feel the same. Kinda scared to ask. I know I should. if the answer is no, it's better to get it now than later. But I can't quite bring myself to. But at the same time I don't think I can really invest into the relationship any more until I know that it goes both ways. But at the same time, we haven't been together that long. I know his previous relationship was crushing and I want to give him the time he needs to figure stuff out. So I don't want to rush to do anything. And I don't want to pressure him. Ah, I just don't know. I don't know what the best thing to do is and I'm just scared. Maybe I'm just unlovable.
Work is also kinda crap. I'm bored and don't have much interest in it, but gotta do it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to make it as a scientist.
I want to help and support my boyfriend in his mental health struggles, but he doesn't seem to really want my help. Which is fair enough. Just makes me a bit sad. He's very... obsessed (for lack of a better word) with freedom and independence. Which I understand to some extent. I think some amount of independence in a relationship is important. But I think his comes from a place of fear due to past... baggage. And well... nothing I can really do about it. But I worry that he will never let me in. The hardest part is that the only way to really show him that I'm not here to shackle him or something, is to just let him go. that's hard. And I hate that stupid quote about loving something and letting it go more than ever. It's a dumb quote. Come @ me.
I'm also worried that someone I know will read this and figure out it's me. god, that would be mortifying.
Basically, I worry about everything today. I need to go punch some bags or something to let some of it out.
that's it for now I guess.
@confusedRaven6140
Hi Raven.
I have heard another person here say "Let them go". What I have learned is: "If you love someone, set them free". I think that is much better - meaning: give them some space.
@Helgafy
I mean, he has all the space he wants tbh. I'm very low maintenance. And never ask for much in relationships. But yeah, it's just hard not knowing where we stand.
By the way, just a heads up for people... there will be swearing in this thread most likely. Wish I could edit the OP to add this in but ah well.
Yesterday's anxiety has transitioned into general despondency and low mood. It's gonna be one of those I guess.
I've managed to convince myself that my boyfriend (I shall refer to him as P from here on out) will never love me and it's just a matter of time before he dumps me. I've even started thinking about ways to cope with the breakup and currently debating whether or not I should just sort of force his hand and get it over with.
There's still a rational part of me that's aware at least a large part of this is all in my head and I should therefore not take any drastic actions based on it. I should at the very least wait until I can have a conversation with P about where we stand. To be frank, i have very little foundation for any of this. It's more of a feeling and I know that at least right now, my feeling aren't particularly trustworthy. Doesn't stop it from being an absolute pain in my ass and ruining my weekend though. Oh the joys of dealing with mental health issues. 🙃
I've gone out into the forest to chill and hope that nature and a good book can at least slightly improve my mood. But we shall see. That's it for now.
Well, the hike didn't help as much as I had hoped. I spent the past 20 minutes crying because I imagined P breaking up with me/telling me that he doesn't feel any more for me now than he did when we first started dating. 🙃 Is this completely irrational? Probably not. But it's at least 98% irrational. And yet, I am utterly convinced that it's true and it's just a matter of time before it happens.
I really hope this is one of those things I'll look back on and laugh at. Maybe even tell P about it so we can laugh at it together. But just now, it's literally the only possibility that seems even remotely plausible to me.
You know what's really dumb? I didn't even want a relationship. I was content on my own. I didn't wanna fall in love. I'm like 81% sure I love him now. But I didn't ask for this.
Also, I'm getting an IUD soon. If I get that thing shoved inside me and then we break up, I'm gonna be so fucking pissed.
@confusedRaven6140
Hi.
"I think I'm falling in love with my boyfriend but I'm worried he doesn't feel the same. "
Well confusedRaven. And I'm confused over you. I thought when to persons start a relationship they are in love/attracted to each other. So I don't understand your b.f. why he started to be your b.f. if he is not attracted to him.
@Helgafy
Attached, sure. He likes me. I think he cares about me. But love? It's... complicated. We've only been together for about 3 months. We both had difficult previous relationships. It's hard to trust again. For both of us. But I... think I've got to a place where I'm not entirely over what happened in my previous relationship. But I've healed enough that I could love him if I let myself. But I don't know if he has as well, or if he's still in the same place he was when we first started dating. And if he doesn't feel any more for me now than he did 3 months ago, is it because he's still struggling with his baggage or am I just not someone he could love. These are the thoughts that keep going through my head.
@confusedRaven6140
My meaning is: You're overthinking - just enjoy your relationship at the place it is now.
@Helgafy
I know I'm overthinking. Can't control it though.
Well, apathy has set in. We'll see how long it lasts. It's... moderate, I suppose. I'm having to remind myself I require sustenance, but I'm at least eating.
Feeling a lot better. Started training again, which has helped. P is also doing better, which has been nice to see and also helped boost my mood. I'm hoping this will also mean increased productivity at work.
I really ought to stop going through the relationship support section on here. Part of me wants to help people who are going through stuff, but it just keeps triggering me. 🙃
I was doing well, feeling able to trust in my relationship, but now I'm all insecure again. I'm so damn scared that he's never gonna love me. Or that even if he does, he'll choose something else over me.
I don't even know how I fell for him in just a few months. Like when we started dating... I felt basically nothing. I mean, I liked him. I enjoyed his company and I thought there was potential. But... I didn't really feel much. I wasn't crushing on him really. And now... I'm pretty sure I actually love him. 🙃🙃 I don't get it. But I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt again.
Aaaand, I didn't sleep well last night. Well, two nights of decent sleep was all I could expect I guess. It's been a long time since I've been this anxious for this long. 🙃 Blah, whatever.
I really want to go to training today, but I'm just *so* tired. I will be very disappointed in myself if I don't go. But I just don't think I have the energy.
Feeling less anxious today, so that's nice. But still feeling down. I'm struggling with work a lot. I can't muster any interest or enthusiasm for it. I just don't really care. And I don't know what I wanna do about it. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, but I'm finding there's no spark of joy left. If I don't continue in science, what will I do? There isn't anything else I particularly want to do. When I think about it, this is still what I want to do, but doing it brings me no joy and doesn't hold my interest.