Confessions of a confused raven

I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs.

Not me crying in the middle of the night because I imagined P breaking up with me 🙃🙃🙃

Well, my friend has left. Kind of relieved. I have a lot of work to do before my own flight tomorrow.

Another friend unexpectedly reached out yesterday as well. Haven't spoken to her in a while. It was nice to hear from her. I hope we get a chance to catch up soon.

I kinda want these two weeks that I'm away to be some space from P... but at the same time I don't want that. I'm worried that he'll enjoy being away from me so much he won't want to be with me when I'm away 🙃 but space is good. I know I need it. I just have to will myself not to message him. And not to constantly check if he's messaged me. 🙃🙃 God I'm so insecure. I feel like a teenager sometimes. I feel like more of a teenager than when I actually was a teenager.

Gonna see my dog tomorrow. I can't wait. I miss him so much. I wish I could have him with me all the time.

Arrived at my parents house. Got to see doggo 🥰🥰🥰 He was so happy to see me. I was happy to see him. I've missed him a lot. Every time I see him, I worry its the last time I'll get to. He's getting old :( I try not to think about it too much because it inevitably ends with me sobbing. But it's hard not to when I know he can't have much longer left. He's... pretty healthy for a dog his age. Still loves life and walks. But I know things can go downhill so fast. And I live so far away...

P got his dates mixed up and thought I was flying yesterday not today. He asked me if I arrived home yesterday which I wasn't expecting. I didn't think he'd remember. Anyway, I told him it was today but I guess today he did forget cos I've heard nothing from him. Or maybe he figures he's done his duty by asking yesterday and didn't bother to today. Either way, haven't spoken to him today and I'm planning not to message him while I'm here. Like I'll respond if he messages me, but I don't wanna initiate. I don't know if that resolve will last very long, but I'll do my best.

I'm feeling better. Had a chat with P today and he told me he's got a busy couple months coming up. That made me feel a bit better, but also worried for him. He works too much I think sometimes. Like, he's got a lot of energy, but not endless.

I also spoke to OH and my supervisor. I will be asking for sick-leave for a while. It was hard to do, I didn't really want to have to. But it's such a relief to have done it. Really needed it. Now I just need to speak to my doctor.

We have guests tonight. I don't really like them cos they have kids and they're annoying. I also don't particularly like the parents either. Got nothing in common with them and usually just end up sitting there awkwardly. And also since I'm so rarely here, I always get asked questions. It's so uncomfortable. But they do look after the dog when my parents are away, so for that, I shall endure them.

P and I have spoken very little while I've been at my parent's... which is what I kinda wanted just to give both of us some space. But I also can't help but feel sad that he didn't want to contact me more. I do miss him and I feel like he does not miss me. And that makes me sad.

I keep going back and forth on whether I wanna talk to him about our relationship when I get back. I think I'll have to for my peace of mind. But I'm scared to. And I also know he's busy so I don't know if now is the best time. I don't wanna stress him more. But I also need to know where we stand.

My family of course asked me about him and they all act as if it's a done deal that we're gonna stay together. Which I mean... is what I want, but I'm far from certain that it's also what he wants. And having that expectation from my family makes the though that he might not want to be with me even more depressing. At least I don't have to see my family very often. But still, I wish they wouldn't all act as if we're just about ready to tie the knot. I've been trying to manage expectations, reminding everyone that I've only known him for 6 months. But it barely seems to register.

Going back home tomorrow. I'm so exhausted. I love my family, but my goodness, is coming here exhausting. I feel like I need to sleep for a week to recover.

I have very mixed feelings about leaving. One the one hand, I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to getting back to my own place and my routine... seeing P again. On the other hand... this might be the last time I see my dog and my grandmother. They're both old and my grandmother is quite unwell. My dog is doing pretty well for a dog his age, but things can change so fast. I usually only come home once a year and I don't know if they will both still be alive next summer. Or if either of them will. I also feel guilty because the thought of never seeing my dog again is more painful than the thought of never seeing my grandmother again.

Also, speaking of P... I'm excited to see him again. But I'm also so uncertain. I feel like he isn't that excited to see me again and seeing that when we do meet will hurt like a mf. We spoke maybe once every 2-3 days while I was at my parents and even then, we didn't speak very much. I've been very busy and I know he has been as well, to be fair. But I can't help but feel that he's just bored of me or something. I know I need to talk to him about it and see where we stand, but I'm just so exhausted. I don't want this relationship to fail. But I also don't have the energy to work on it rn.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday to ask for leave from work for burnout. Hopefully I get what I ask for and I can take some time to rest.

Yesterday I put together a little care package for P and it genuinely made me so happy to do that. I haven't even given it to him yet, but just thinking about it and wrapping each item and writing little notes to go with each item just genuinely put me in such a good mood. I can't wait to give it to him. I never knew giving someone a gift could make me this happy.

This past week has been such a rollercoaster. I'm so confused and scared and sad... I just don't know what to do.