Confessions of a confused raven
Hi everyone!
So, I guess I'm giving this a go. Here are some of the things that are on my mind. I'm happy for people to reply.
Feeling very anxious today. I hate anxious days. They don't happen very often anymore, but it's been a long few weeks.
I think I'm falling in love with my boyfriend but I'm worried he doesn't feel the same. Kinda scared to ask. I know I should. if the answer is no, it's better to get it now than later. But I can't quite bring myself to. But at the same time I don't think I can really invest into the relationship any more until I know that it goes both ways. But at the same time, we haven't been together that long. I know his previous relationship was crushing and I want to give him the time he needs to figure stuff out. So I don't want to rush to do anything. And I don't want to pressure him. Ah, I just don't know. I don't know what the best thing to do is and I'm just scared. Maybe I'm just unlovable.
Work is also kinda crap. I'm bored and don't have much interest in it, but gotta do it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to make it as a scientist.
I want to help and support my boyfriend in his mental health struggles, but he doesn't seem to really want my help. Which is fair enough. Just makes me a bit sad. He's very... obsessed (for lack of a better word) with freedom and independence. Which I understand to some extent. I think some amount of independence in a relationship is important. But I think his comes from a place of fear due to past... baggage. And well... nothing I can really do about it. But I worry that he will never let me in. The hardest part is that the only way to really show him that I'm not here to shackle him or something, is to just let him go. that's hard. And I hate that stupid quote about loving something and letting it go more than ever. It's a dumb quote. Come @ me.
I'm also worried that someone I know will read this and figure out it's me. god, that would be mortifying.
Basically, I worry about everything today. I need to go punch some bags or something to let some of it out.
that's it for now I guess.
I miss P :( He's away for a few weeks. Haven't seen him since last Saturday and I'm missing him already. It'll likely be a couple more weeks before I see him again.
P got back on Sunday. Spent yesterday with him and it was... really nice. He's been super sweet and affectionate. He told me he'd missed me. I'm just so confused... part of me wants to hope that it's genuine and that he's managed to move past the fear of letting me in. But part of me can't help but worry that he's just feeling guilty.
Also... he told me that he's made some plans for Christmas and New years and that he's going to be away for over a month. Which i was really hurt by because he just made those plans without any consideration for me. We hadn't really discussed it or anything, but I was hoping I'd get to spend the holidays with him... but I guess I will be spending them alone... I want to bring this up with him, but I don't want to sound like I'm inviting myself to join him or that I don't want him to make plans with friends/without me. It's just... it would be nice if he considered me when making such plans.
But I also realised that even more than that, I was upset by the fact that... he makes plans with literally everyone but me. We only really hang out at my place or his place. We don't really do stuff together. We're... well we aren't really friends. I feel like I'm somehow separate from the rest of his life. And I want to be a part of his life. I want to do things with him. I want to be friends with him as well as his girlfriend. I want to meet his friends and go places with him and play games and try new things. I want my partner to also be one of my closest friends. I don't really think relationships can work long term otherwise. And I really like him. I like spending time with him. And I want us to be friends but I wonder if he does too. Like does he really like me as a person? Or is he just attracted to me? Does he not want to be my friend? I just don't know. I asked him if we could talk sometime this week. I need some answers. I'm just so confused and heavy hearted.
This is a weird update and somewhat TMI, but for some reason today I just feel like I'm not fully awake. Like I'm kinda living in a dream world. Especially... when I go to the toilet. You know those dreams when you need to pee so you dream that you're on the toilet? Well, sometimes that happens to me and sometimes it'll happen several times. Like I'll wake up and immediately fall asleep and have the same dream but in my second dream, I think I've woken up after the first dream and gone to the bathroom... only to then wake up again still in bed...
Because of that, sometimes when I go to the toilet after I've just woken up, I have this paranoia that I'm still sleeping and don't wanna pee. Well, every time I've gone to the toilet today I've felt that way... even though I'm at work and everything.
Weird update, I know 😂 I've just noticed it and found it a bit disquieting. I slept really poorly last night. Maybe that's why.
P broke up with me a week and a half ago. I won't write much about that in here. I've made a separate diary just for dealing with that grief. But I guess I wanted to mention it for the sake of completeness.
I've had a sore throat for a week now. I'm so tired. I just want to be healthy. I want the holidays to be over. So I can just focus on work and nothing else. I just want to focus on work.
I used to love the winter holidays... they've been kind of hard and a bit sad for some yearns now though. But this year they're especially hard... it's my own fault really for getting my hopes up. I thought... I thought I would be able to spend them with P this year. Have a nice dinner together. But that was foolish of me. Even if he had not broken up with me... he would have just gone to spend Christmas with his family and we were not yet far enough in the relationship for me to be invited to his family Christmas celebrations. But all that is moot... because he did not want to continue the relationship. So I'm really not looking forward to this next month. 😕
